Almost 2 million people worldwide have been infected with COVID-19. Over 100,000 people have passed away in this brutal global pandemic. American has recently passed Italy and now has the highest Coronavirus death toll.
Without any medical vaccine in sight, the only way mankind can combat the spread of this plague is to simply stay home and quarantine ourselves until the disease dies out. The problem (for some people) is that the unfortunate side effect of this quarantine is the sinking of the economy as no one can work which means no one has money which means no one can buy anything which means our corporate overlords can’t steal our tiny paychecks.
Which means one thing and one thing only: time to get back to work.
Relax guys. We’re in good hands. This will be handled smoothly and wisely. pic.twitter.com/NlL3JMedlw
— Helen Kennedy (@HelenKennedy) April 13, 2020
Meet the Council To Re-Open America. Look at this murder’s row of the finest minds that we Americans are lucky enough to have dictating economic policy in the midst of a once in a generation airborne virus.
Let’s start with the Prince and Princess, Ivanka and Jared.
Ivanka Trump’s biggest claim to fame is that American voters hate themselves so much that they’d rather be led by a racist game show host than by a woman. Ivanka has spent a majority of her father’s administration inviting herself to international diplomatic photo-ops. The only reason Donald keeps Ivanka around is because she looks better in heels than Tiffany, the forgotten Trump daughter.
Jared Kushner is America’s biggest slum lord so if you’re expecting rent forgiveness during this quarantine then Jared will go out of his way to make sure that never happens. He also looks like he knows exactly what his own jizz tastes likes and he’s pleased.
As you read this, Larry Kudlow is blowing lines. In 1994, he had to resign from his position at Bear Stearns after too many weekend coke binges. Then he was fired from the National Review because of, ya know, the coke. At least we know he’ll be energized for the meetings.
Mark Meadows is already quite familiar with Coronavirus after he came in contact with someone who had the illness and was immediately tested. Problem is, CDC guidelines say that the limited tests are reserved for people who are hospitalized, showing symptoms, elderly or have compromised immune systems.
Good to know that a man who used his power and influence to get tested will now be in charge of sending citizens back into work. Citizens who actually have to follow those CDC guidelines and can’t be tested. Surely, Mark understands that plight.
Steven Mnuchin produced the worst movie ever created: Suicide Squad. He should be given life in prison for funding that 2-hour long music video that plays on a Hot Topic tv while you’re shopping for gag gifts at the mall.
I have no fucking idea who Robert Lighthizer is but like, what if he was a super chill dude? Like he just wants to make the world a better place. Lololol jk he probably has Mein Kempf tattooed on his back.
In January, Wilbur Ross said that Coronavirus will bring jobs back to American because locations where jobs are outsized would catch the illness. Little does Wilbur Ross know that America pretty much has the health care system of a third world nation and we’d be leading the world in COVID deaths.
Shout out to the Council To Re-Open America. We are all going to die and it’s going to be painful as hell. Oh, and the Council To Re-Open America is going to find a way to get rich(er) off it. Can’t wait.