thelesterlee
We made it through a longggg season. Remember the In-Season Tournament?? It feels like that happened right after The Bubble.
It’s time to honor the best and brightest and weirdest and worst. Most of these are random awards I made up after leaving the marijuana distributor and sampling too much.
Here are the Deadseriousness 2023-24 NBA season awards:
The “I Still Cannot Believe You Jumped Over a Short Person Sitting Down” Award: Jaylen Brown
crowd booing after Jaylen Brown dunks over a 5’3 Kai Cenat SITTING DOWN 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/Gz3TtVD4sc
— ryan 🤿 (@scubaryan_) February 18, 2024
I will never forget Jaylen Brown bringing out a 4-foot tall Twitch streamer, sitting him down in a metal folding chair so that he’s even shorter, and then covering his eyes with his forearm as if to indicate he cannot see but doing so AFTER he dunked and landed on his feet. Highest paid player in the NBA, folks.
The “Please Work On Your Game This Summer” Award: Scoot Henderson
The no. 3 overall pick of the 2023 NBA Draft, Scoot Henderson, averaged 14 points and 5.4 assists on 38% shooting. He played 62 games this season. He shot 50% or better in 12 of them. He had more turnovers than assists in 16 games.
Meanwhile, Brandon Miller—the player who went no. 2 where many believed Scoot deserved to be drafted—finished 3rd in Rookie of the Year voting and looks like he’s about to become the next Tracy McGrady. Scoot looks like he’s about to become the next [insert name of rotation player on the Shanghai Sharks]
The “Adam Silver Is Currently Hiring a Hitman to Murder You In Your Sleep” Award: Jontay Porter
I wrote this award title before the NBA handed down a lifetime ban to Jontay Porter for point-shaving but I still think Adam Silver may have snipers outside Porter’s bedroom window zoomed in on his phone, ready to fire if he opens the DraftKings app again.
The “Double-Double Addiction Hotline” Award: Domantas Sabonis
This season, Sabonis recorded 77 double-doubles. He set a single-season record. When Sabonis steps on the court he’s getting 10 points and 10 rebounds. He has to. He needs it. Some people are addicted to fast food. Others, ketamine. Sabonis? Double-doubles.
The Most Well-Behaved Boy Award: Kyrie Irving
It feels condescending to say Kyrie was well-behaved this season. Then I remembered in Brooklyn, his job required him to take medicine and he elected not to, which is his right I reckon, but then he pretended like he was Malcolm X when he was just afraid of needles and didn’t want to be told what to do. Ya know, the way a child moves.
Oh and he shared a link to straight-up Nazi propaganda.
It was cool to see Kyrie play basketball without stories about how weird he is to his teammates or hearing about how much of a ‘free thinker’ he is. I may turn this into the ‘shut up and dribble’ award next season. Or after seeing some of the dumbest clips in podcast history, the Michael Porter Jr award.
The “Nah, I Swear My Dad’s Black” Award: Isaiah Hartenstein
“You know it’s like light skin? I’m bright skin.” 😭
Isaiah Hartenstein confirms he is actually black. pic.twitter.com/VQsUW0w30H
— Complex Sports (@ComplexSports) March 28, 2024
The “Scammer of the Year” Award: Doc Rivers
Doc Rivers blew a 3-1 lead in the bubble, ‘stepped down’ from the Clippers, and was hired by the Sixers within a week.
He blew another lead in 2023 but this time, he immediately shifted into media doing ESPN play-by-play and weekly appearances on Bill Simmons’s podcast to keep himself fresh in the minds of front offices.
It worked.
The Milwaukee Bucks hired Doc Rivers as a ‘consultant’ to guide their rookie coach, Adrian Griffin. The Bucks fired Griffin and replaced him with Doc—the guy giving Griffin advice all year.
Doc Rivers must have that gawk gawk 3000. He took over a 32-14 team and went 17-19. He’s about to lose in the first round of the playoffs and no matter what happens, he’ll get a paycheck from someone else. Get Doc in a room with a potential employer and he turns into prime Gianna Michaels.
The “Most Divorced” Award: Damian Lillard
I love that Dame got a divorce the week he was traded, thinking he was about to be single for the first time in a long time on a Miami beach and instead, ended up in Wisconsin hanging out with like, Pat Connaughton at the local Chillis and FaceTiming his children at the table.
Every quote from Dame is about how lonely he is. Dame and Tyler Herro were for sure about to put out a mixtape together and instead, Dame has to listen to Giannis’s brother say “I would’ve dropped 30 tonight if coach put me in” like Scrappy Doo on the team plane.
The “You’re a Weirdo, Bro…” Award: Josh Giddey
I mean, you can’t bang teenagers. Josh is only 21 so I’m not pretending as if he should get life in prison. But he should absolutely be treated like the weirdo he is. You’re rich and Oklahoma famous. Stop being weird.
Best Podcast: Club 520
Jeff Teague figured out the secret to making a great podcast: be funny and have funny friends. For whatever reason, these NBA players link up with the nerdy white dude they played with in high school and attempt to have serious Larry King-style interviews with the same rotating guests of boring people.
Best Bucket-Getter: Luka Doncic
Luka led the league in total points. Of course he did. He scored 73 points against the team that drafted him and traded him away for Trae Young. Trae is on the trade block and Luka is Slovenian 2017 James Harden.
Best On-Ball Defender: OG Anunoby
The best of OG Anunoby’s defense as a Knick
pic.twitter.com/sX6bxMRGi2— Teg🚨 (@IQfor3) April 15, 2024
Defensive Player of the Year is an award seemingly only for big men but when it comes to playing on-ball defense, OG is the best in the business.
It helps that OG Anunoby is the size of a young grizzly bear and as strong as an older grizzly bear. There’s a reason why the Knicks were 20-3 in the games he played in their jersey this season. He makes life hell for the opposing team’s best scorer and the only that can slow him down is his own body failing him. Let’s pray he spends the offseason in one of those hyperbolic chambers until opening night.
Most Improved: Jalen Brunson
This is a silly award given to the kids at basketball camps who can barely play and by the end of the camp, the counselors reward them for trying hard and like, showing up every day. It’s an award for kids like me.
2024 was Jalen Brunson’s first All-Star game. This will be his first All-NBA team. The Knicks finished with 50 wins and the No. 2 seed thanks to Brunson. Going from a guy to an All-NBA player sounds like an improvement to me.
MVP: Nikola Jokic
Duh.
LVP: Jordan Poole
This feels obvious but so is the MVP. Sometimes, you don’t need to overthink it. Jordan Poole was supposed to be averaging like, 29 points a night for a last-place Wizards team. The foundation of their rebuild.
Instead, he looks like, before every game, a group of men kidnap him, put a black bag over his head, drive him to an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the city, ask him if he knows what’s going on. Then when he doesn’t get it, he starts to hear a woman’s voice being stifled by the sock stuffed in her mouth. The captor then rips the black bag off of his head so he can see his mother tied up to the chair in front of him. Before he can even react, a sniper’s red dot shines on his chest. The captor tells Jordan he needs to act normal at the game that night or it’ll be the final time he ever sees his mother—after being dropped off back at Capital One Arena moments before the opening tip, he remembers he has to play it cool and proceeds to have the weirdest basketball performance anyone’s ever seen. Every game.
Who are your 2023-24 NBA Season Award winners? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
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