Deadseriousness Wrestlemania 40 Awards

Wrestlemania 40 felt like the most important event in recent WWE history. The play was obvious: erase Vince McMahon from our memories and re-establish the brand as something separate from whatever nonsense the sexual predator was trying to create for the last few years.

Typically when I’ve done these WWE PPV reviews, I’ve gone match-by-match but with Wrestlemania being 2 nights, this article would take a half hour to read and require me to have real, genuine opinions on a random Santos Escobar tag team match. I will not be doing that.

Instead, let’s give out some awards.

The “Seth Rollins Wrestlemania 31 Cash-In” Award: Damian Priest

Damian Priest had been walking around with that Money In The Bank briefcase as if he had no idea there was an automatic title shot inside.

Seth Rollins’s entire story all year long was how beat up his body was from defending the Heavyweight Championship so often and Damian Priest was just in the back re-applying his eye shadow and nail polish with no thoughts of ever cashing in.

Still reeling from this cash in by Damian Priest! #WrestleMania pic.twitter.com/QvlLlC47Sh

— USA Network (@USANetwork) April 7, 2024

Let’s see how long WWE allows Damian Priest to be ‘the guy’. It feels as though we are about to get a repeat of what the Bloodline was doing where Judgement Day predictably interferes in all of Priest’s title matches but who knows? Maybe Priest is a workhorse about to put on bangers every month.

Either way, I’m ready for the reign of The Cuntertaker.

The “Please Break All My Bones, Please” Award: Jade Cargill

I’M LOOKING RESPECTFULLY.

I imagine Jade Cargill will be winning this award every Wrestlemania she appears in.

👀👀👀

“This is the First and Last Wrestlemania For You” Award: The Final Testament

Karrion Kross has been trying his best to get over on the main roster for what feels like my entire life. Shout out to Scarlett Bordeaux for taking that Russian leg sweep through the table and for being the only captivating part of this group of guys who look like they think the solar eclipse is an attempt to make voters dumb so they’d vote for Joe Biden or whatever bullshit fake news they see (and believe) on Facebook. “I’m not looking at no eclipse. That’s what they want you to do”

This, uh, this should be the final time we see the Final Testament at a Wrestlemania. Stick to Smackdown Live events or whatever.

Save Scarlett Bordeaux though.

The “Fan Most Likely To Have Slept With P Diddy” Award: Meek Mill

Like Vince McMahon, P Diddy has some nasty allegations on his name including a list of famous performers he has had sex with. Meek Mill’s name made that list. Meek has struggled to beat the gay allegations.

Meek Mill yelled “Get Up” to the Rock at Wrestlemania
pic.twitter.com/T9w3zRFNxm

— My Mixtapez (@mymixtapez) April 7, 2024

“geeet UuuuUUUuupppp”.

There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Meek. Be yourself.

The “Or Maybe Not, Brother” Award: Rey Mysterio

Last year, Rey Mysterio faced his son, Dominik. He won. It’s fine. It made sense for the story. Dom attacked his father at Thanksgiving that year. He was a real shithead and needed his comeuppance. Cool.

At 49 years old, Rey Mysterio once again took home a Wrestlemania victory over his son. When you’re almost 50 and barely a full-time performer, you just have to beat your son’s ass at the biggest show every single year.

REY MYSTERIO WINS ONCE AGAIN AT WRESTLEMANIA! pic.twitter.com/hVnmASxThj

— Mr Matthew CFB (@MrMatthew_CFB) April 7, 2024

Rey Mysterio spent enough time in WCW to have Hulk Hogan’s booking philosophies rub off on him. Put my son over? Not tonight, brother.

Runner-up—The Rock: We always joke about The Rock having a clause in his movie contracts that he cannot lose fights and that has extended into his return to professional wrestling as he and Roman Reigns beat the brakes off Cody Rhodes and Seth Rollins. The Rock did NOT come back to do the job.

The Easiest Bag Award: The Undertaker

We all understand Stone Cold Steve Austin was supposed to be the one to show up and stun The Rock right? Like, no one thought The Undertaker was going to chokeslam The Rock, including The Undertaker who was dressed like he was watching the event from the press box and was rushed down last minute.

But you have to salute my man. Not only did he get a massive check for 5 seconds of work but he got to attack a negro. No one loves the Triple H era more than Taker. That chokeslame was for the local police force.

Runner-up Carlito: I see you, Carlito. Get paid, brother.

The Biggest Ball-Licker Award: Bubba Ray Dudley

Bubba Ray Dudley has built a following as being hyper-critical of AEW while claiming to be an objective third party who only wants everyone to succeed.

Recently he went viral for saying Kenny Omega—one of the best wrestlers on planet Earth— should come to WWE so Kenny could learn ‘real’ ring psychology from Randy Orton. Kenny Omega is one of the best wrestlers of all time. And it’s not like he’s a young man with a bright future ahead of him. His learning days are over. He is a finished product and will go down as a better wrestler than Randy Orton.

It was a strange take but it makes sense now after seeing him in a WWE ring again.

Bubba Ray Dudley aka Bully Ray is the special guest referee for The Pride vs. Final Testament! #WWE #Wrestlemania pic.twitter.com/LUK6eix70P

— NoDQ.com: WWE and AEW news (@nodqdotcom) April 7, 2024

From Eric Bischoff to Kevin Nash to Booker T to Pat McAfee to Ariel Helwani—every major voice in wrestling media has a million criticisms of AEW while simultaneously having nothing negative to say about WWE. All of these guys are on the WWE payroll. A legion of WWE ball-lickers controlling the narrative online.

Shouldn’t be surprising now that WWE is owned by TKO, the same company that owns UFC. Dana White smacked the everloving shit out of his wife and the story was washed away in days.

Runner-up—Cody Rhodes: Growing up, Stone Cold and, well, pretty much every wrestler hated Vince McMahon on-screen. Cody Rhodes won the championship at Wrestlemania 40 and immediately called his bosses to the ring to celebrate with them.

The I Banged Your Daughter and Stole Your Company Award: Triple H

You could not watch Wrestlemania 40 without the constant reminders of the brilliant contributions of Chief Content Officer, Triple H. And I want to remove all sarcasm when I say Triple H fixed a broken WWE that Vince McMahon ran to the ground from 2015 to like 2019.

Triple H played the long game. He got jobbed out to Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 12 and did everything he could to secure power and ensure he never had to deal with that bullshit ever again. Chyna was thrown in the trash at the first opportunity to sleep with the boss’s daughter. I’d like to imagine Triple H snuck little bags of coke into Shane McMahon’s bag to get him out of the succession plan.

And now he runs WWE with Stephanie McMahon while Vince is on trial, Shane is lost off the sauce somewhere and Chyna is dead.

TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAME.

Bold move for the entire company to put all of their eggs into the Paul Levesque basket while Vince McMahon is currently fighting for his life in a sex trafficking lawsuit. You know the powers that be sat Triple H in a dark room and asked him to be honest about knowing anything about Vince’s crimes because if his name gets dragged into this court case, all of the goodwill WWE earned this weekend will be lit on fire. Nick Khan has a sniper outside of Triple H’s window every night just in case a new story drops.

The Match of the Night: Bayley vs. Iyo Sky

For the second year in a row, the best Wrestlemania match was for the women’s world championship. Last year, Charlotte and Rhea, pissed they weren’t given the main event, went out there and had a BANGER.

This year, Bayley and Iyo Sky decided to treat fans of real graps who weren’t here to see Twitch streamers get RKO’d or the Uso brothers kicking each other over and over.

Iyo Sky vs. Bayley highlights from last nights Wrestlemania. They went out there & killed it 💯 pic.twitter.com/cCPiLsTIT9

— Dark Puroresu Flowsion (@PuroresuFlow) April 8, 2024

Real hoops.

Rhea will most likely hold onto her belt until Wrestlemania 41 when Bianca Belair beats her which makes this Bayley win more interesting. She is going to be the workhorse women’s champion and this match against Iyo makes me believe she’s more than capable of doing so.

The “Your Family is Full of Losers” Award: Seth Rollins and Becky Lynch

Let’s briefly run through the weekend Seth and Becky had:

Wrestlemania 40 starts with Rhea Ripley beating Becky Lynch in the opening match of the weekend.
Night 1 ends with Seth Rollins losing to The Rock and Roman Reigns.
Night 2 begins with Seth Rollins losing to Drew McIntyre.
Night 2 ends with Seth Rollins attempting to interrupt the main event only to get pummeled as soon as he appears and then takes a brutal chair shot. Seth showed up, got zero offense in and exclusively got pounded.

LOSERS.

Runner-up—The Bloodline: Honestly, the only real loser in The Bloodline is Jimmy Uso who, with Roman Reigns gone, has no real purpose on television. At least Solo Sikoa beat John Cena and has a path as a singles wrestler. Jimmy doesn’t have it and should be hanging out in catering until Roman Reigns comes back.

The “I Guess I Have To Give Cody Rhodes An Award” Award: Cody Rhodes

Cody Rhodes finished the story.

You really have to give Cody all the credit in the world for what he accomplished this weekend. This man was STARDUST. WWE didn’t give a single shit about Cody. He had to leave and resurrect himself into someone a company could build around.

Cody got jacked, dyed his hair to look like someone Hitler would daydream about on long car rides, added some cool moves to his repertoire and mastered the microphone.

After losing at Wrestlemania 39, he spent the year auditioning to be the top guy. He could’ve fallen off a cliff but instead, he was the biggest part of every Raw broadcast. Cody was the champion without the title.

But what makes Cody Rhodes’s ascension even more unbelievable is how much the fans genuinely love him. He isn’t booed like John Cena or liked ironically in an age where almost everyone is snarky and sarcastic. People love Cody Rhodes for real.

Cannot wait until The Rock beats him for the title.

Is this the greatest Wrestlemania ever? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know your Wrestlemania 40 awards.