Jameis Winston lasik eye surgery is an unexpected headline to run into this offseason and I’m sure there’s some wildly unfunny joke about a 2020 bingo card or whatever. Not at Deadseriousness. We don’t do that here.
Free-agent QB Jameis Winston underwent Lasik surgery. “Jameis did not want to count out any options that he had that could possibly help him with the game he loves so much,” said his spokeswoman Denise White. “He doesn’t want to miss out on any opportunity that presents itself.”
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) February 12, 2020
Jameis Winston is entering free agency this winter in one of the most pivotal turning points in his career.
Last season, Winston threw for 5,109 yards with 33 touchdowns. Those are MVP numbers. We should be including Jameis in all of our top quarterback conversations. He’s putting up Patrick Mahomes statistics.
He also led the league with 30 interceptions and became the first player in NFL history to throw 30 touchdowns and 30 INTs in the same season.
Jameis Winston is the Thanos of the NFL. All things must be balanced. You cannot throw a touchdown without immediately throwing an interception. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.
Apparently you cannot turn the ball over 30+ times and maintain your starting job in the NFL. When his Bucs head coach, Bruce Arians, was asked if they could win with another quarterback, here’s his response:
“With another quarterback? Oh yeah. If we can win with this one, we can definitely win with another one, too,”
So like I mentioned earlier, this is the most important moment of his career.
His former boss seemingly doesn’t give a shit if the organization re-signs him or not. Teams are debating whether they should bring in 65-year old Tom Brady while probably ignoring Winston’s texts.
Jameis has decided to take matters into his own hands and went to a doctor to get brand new eyeballs. Apparently in his mind, he threw 30 interceptions because he couldn’t see anything which some might argue is a problem for an NFL quarterback.
This isn’t the first time Jameis went into the offseason with a genius plan to improve his game. Last year, Winston said he needed to gain weight and hit 250 pounds. Jameis is 6-foot-4. Cam Newton and Joe Flacco are both 6-foot-4 and weigh 245 pounds. Jameis Winston thought he needed to be even bigger than that. THAT’S why he couldn’t stop throwing interceptions.
He then proceeded to throw 30 of them. Being fat didn’t help so time to have a surgeon burn your eyes.
Here’s the problem with getting Lasik eye surgery: you cannot throw 30 interceptions again. You are out of solutions. Two years ago you stopped drinking alcohol to help prevent you from groping Uber drivers. Last year you spent the offseason in the Taco Bell drive-thru. And now you have 20/20 vision. You’re out of transformations.
If Jameis Winston comes out here and leads the Buccaneers—or whatever team that signs him—to another disappointing 7 win season and leading the league in interceptions again then it’s a wrap for your favorite fat alcoholic sex offender with perfect vision.
Jameis Winston lasik surgery is going to end his beautifully disastrous career.
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