bryce harper

Bryce Harper: The $330 Million Cuck

They say money doesn’t buy happiness and as someone who occasionally gets paid dollars to write nonsense, I find myself far happier when that direct deposit hits then on any other day on the calendar.

But Bryce Harper’s 2019 season might be the clear example of when money truly does not buy happiness after he signed a 13-year $330 million deal with the Philadelphia Phillies this winter only to watch the team he spent the first seven years of his career with to win a playoff series earlier this week, an outcome that never occurred with Harper on the team.

Bryce Harper is one of the most polarizing players in baseball and after a whisper of a season in Philadelphia, I’m not totally sure why.

Perhaps he consistently grabs headlines because he was a huge prospect as a teenager and was slated to be God’s gift to the game. He was on a Sports Illustrated cover at the age of 16.

But Mike Trout was also scouted as a future king and that man could hit 125 homers next season and not a single one of those home runs would crack a one-hour episode of Sportscenter.

Maybe it’s because he had that ‘clown question‘ quote in a post-game interview early in his career that resulted in people labeling him as a bro/asshole so we all waited for more assholes moments. He would not disappoint.

There was just something about watching him flip his hair as he took off his batting helmet or violent swing that looks as if he is literally trying too hard.

From a bird’s eye view of this guy, it’s understandable why Jonathon Papelbon choked that weirdo out in the dugout mid-game.

He wins a home run derby and we’re watching his very awkward and feminine overhand bat toss for the next week on repeat whether we want to or not.

Now, this seems like I’m bashing Harper in an attempt to say has never deserved to get the amount of attention he’s received thus far in his career. My man won the MVP in 2015 with 42 bombs and a 1.109 OPS.

He has certainly earned acclaimed but so has Joey Votto, a player who has never popped up behind home plate yet has an entire career of obscurity outside of the city of Cincinnati.

Bryce Harper is a Mormon. There is no reason for me to know that information outside of the fact that for almost a decade, everything Harper said or did was discussed.

I say all of this to say that if you are Bryce Harper, it would make sense for you to feel like you’re worthy of a massive deal.

You assume at this point in your life, your talent and celebrity would carry over to the City of Brotherly Love.

So when the prodigal son FINALLY reached free agency, you’d think he would shut down the presses and make his mark as the official face of baseball. It was supposed to be the Summer of Bryce.

Weird that Harper couldn’t even get a meeting with the Yankees. A former MVP and apparent face of the sport couldn’t get a text back from the biggest organization in the world. Hm.

Harper signed with the Phillies and no one knew why he’d want to spend the next 13 years of his life in Pennsylvania but there is one thing we all collectively discovered simultaneously: we do not give a shit.

He ended the 2019 season hitting 35 homers which is his second-highest career total since his 2015 MVP campaign and a career-high 114 RBIs.

Have you heard his name in any MVP discussions? Did you hear his name this year at all??

I swear if you say that Bryce can’t win the MVP because the Phillies didn’t make the playoffs then you better delete all of your corny Mike Trout tweets but that’s a conversation I’ve already had and now I’m making myself angry for no reason.

Back to the Mormon gawd.

Bryce Harper quietly had the best season of his career and we were too busy watching the Washington Nationals twerking in the dugout to notice.

The Phillies finished 81-81 while the Nats finished with a 93-69 record.

Hilarious considering that Washington only won 82 games with Bryce last season while the Phillies won 80. So Bryce leaving Washington was an 11-win gain and Bryce signing with Philadelphia was worth 1 more win.

(I’m aware there are more factors to both teams win-loss records outside of Bryce. Duh. Can I continue making fun of him now that we’ve cleared up that up?)

Not only did his former team soar with him snacking on cheesesteaks, Washington ended their season with ultimate Bryce cuck.

This is funnier than anything Bill Burr said on that lazy Netflix special last month. “What’s the deal with women? Amirite, fellas???!” Ok, Bill.

ANYWAY, laugh out loud.

Bryce signed a massive contract.

Had the best statistical season he’s ever had.

And the world cared more about Trevor Bauer’s Twitter activity.

Cuck life.

Not only was he a tree falling in the woods but the team he left won their first playoff series since, well, before Bryce was even drafted. It’s as if they rallied around the thought of embarrassing him.

Cuck life.

Imagine being the hottest Instagram model in the game and one day you take hours getting your make up perfect. A few more hours taking pictures at the right angles and getting the filters right and alas, you took the best selfie you’ve ever taken. And when you log into Instagram you realize you suddenly have zero followers because you moved to Philadelphia.

I’d feel bad for Bryce but 1. this is hilarious and 2. $330 million. According to dominatrix’s, the most successful men enjoy being dominated so actually it makes total sense that Bryce would pen a major contract and become a cuck and who am I to kink shame.

Get your rocks off, Bryce.


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TheLesterLee

Written by TheLesterLee

Creator and King of Deadseriousness. Writer of all things pop culture. Jerk.

E-mail Lester@Deadseriousness.com to talk to the king directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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