Why Can’t Kristaps Porzingis Rebound?

Kristaps Porzingis is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s so amazing on a basketball court that he made James Dolan confident in giving basketball operations to Phil Jackson who accidentally drafted Porzingis because Jahlil Okafor was off the board.

Porzingis is so great that he got NBA legend Phil Jackson the FUCK up out of New York with his wack ass archiac¬†triangle offense and obvious narcolepsy. He’s so great that he got Carmelo Anthony to waive his no-trade clause even though we all love Melo loves those NY strippers.

He can shoot from anywhere on the floor and over any defender you throw at him. His shot selection has improved every year. He’s leading the NBA in blocks so no one can question the way players are straight up afraid of the gigantic 9 foot tall Frankenstein (‘s monster) sitting in the paint waiting to swat their layups into the concession stands.

But for a man who is always the tallest man on the floor, it’s pretty insane that he’s only averaging 6.7 rebounds a game. Here’s a quick list of players averaging more rebounds: Ben Simmons. Russell Westbrook. Lauri Markkanen. Harrison Barnes. Lonzo fucking Ball.

So why can’t Kristaps Porzingis rebound?

We can first look at the fact that he’s playing next to Enes Kanter who is 10th in the NBA in rebounding. It’s tough to out-rebound one of the best rebounders in the league. Let your teammate secure the possession and jog back to offense.

But the thing is, Kanter has no problem giving up rebounds to a teammate. Russell Westbrook didn’t earn all of those triple-doubles. Steven Adams and Enes Kanter visually moved out of the way to let Westbrook snatch boards. If Kristaps decided to become a rebounder, Kanter is a team-first guy who would for sure move out of the way.

Porzingis has 3 double-doubles in 20 games. THREE. Hassan Whiteside has 9 double-doubles in 5 less games. What is happening?

You can’t make the argument that he plays too far from the basket because so does Boogie Cousins and Karl Anthony Towns.

At the end of the day, it has to be a lack of effort. It’s safe to say that he and the organization are desperately afraid of an injury. Kristaps Porzingis seems incredibly timid in the paint as if he’s Bambi walking on ice with a pressure sensitive bomb attached to his ankle ready to detonate.

He is still the most important person in my life and even if he averaged 2 boards a game, I’d ride with my captain to the gates of hell.

Long Live Kristaps. Also, rebound more.



Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Porzingis should be better than he currently is. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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