What I Learned; Week of July 5

It’s like the sharks came and ate all the rainbows and General Lees on my timeline.

People are already wwayyy to attached to this new Ghostbusters flick.

Tom Cruise announces he’s leaving Scientology curiously just as he has another Mission Impossible to promote. Upon seeing the previous Mission Impossibles, Scientology says, “We’re cool.”

It came to light during a previous deposition, Bill Cosby admitted to giving women ‘ludes in order to have sex with them. And now, according to the NY Post, Camille Cosby (his wife, in case you couldn’t figure that out) believes the women accusers actually agreed to drugs and sex. So while Bill continues to be leading candidate for Scumbag of The Year, Camille is now the favorite for Best Wife of The Year.

A monkey that escaped from a Memphis Zoo was captured and safely returned. Families in Quahog, RI go back to leaving their doors unlocked.

During the week, the computer systems for the New York Stock Exchange, the Wall Street Journal and United Airways all mysteriously crashed. Fears of a cyber attack were quickly dismissed as YouPorn continued to run smoothly.

The offensive confederate flag came down in South Carolina last week. Up next; offensive Bobcats flags.

The trailer for Batman vs Superman was released. While the nerds fight over who will win, I’m just looking forward to the onslaught of slutty Wonder Woman costumes this Halloween.

A Florida State football player was caught on tape punching a girl. Cincinnati Bengals immediately target him for the next draft.

Carrie Underwood had to break into her own car after her dogs locked themselves in, along with Underwood’s 4 month old son. When later discussing the incident, Underwood told reporters, “Dogs, cars, kids and breaking stuff. I have enough country clichés to fill my next three albums.”

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Written by Kevin McFadden

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