10 Thoughts After Watching The Maleficent: Mistress of Evil Trailer

  1. Welcome back, queen.

2. Angelina Jolie hasn’t starred in a movie since 2015 in a movie she directed co-starring Brad Pitt that no one on planet Earth saw and Angelina sure as hell won’t ever be seeing again.

3. Yes, she was in Kung Fu Panda 3 but that’s not quite the same.

4. Jolie has pretty much been a ghost since her divorce. She won’t even call me back anymore. That’s how you know things are bad. So it’s a relief to see her back on the big screen in a movie sequel that no one asked for.

5. Seriously, Maleficent came out 5 years ago. It made a shitload of money so I reckon it makes sense they ran it back but yea, you’re reallyyy trying to squeeze orange juice out of this Sleeping Beauty stone. Let Aurora chill.

6. That being said chop up Angelina Jolie vs. Michelle Pfeiffer into lines on a dirty mirror and let me snort that. I’ve never needed anything more in my life than these two going to war.

7.Michelle Pfeiffer can kick me directly in the chest.

8. Is there anyone who has less emotional control than Maleficent? Homegirl almost killed the princess because she wasn’t invited to a party and now she’s going to war with a kingdom because she has to share that same princess with her new mother-in-law.

9. The big reveal at the end of the trailer that there’s a larger underground world of more creatures just like Maleficent would be a super cool reveal to save for the actual movie. Not the trailer. Why did they show every single scene and plot point in that trailer?

10. This is going to be the worst movie that I’m absolutely going to see. On opening night. Alone.


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Deadseriousness

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