The Chicago Cubs Trading For Ronald Torreyes Makes Them The Automatic 2019 World Series Favorites

What Happened?


The Chicago Cubs just won the offseason and the offseason hasn’t even really begun yet after the STOLE Ronald Torreyes from the New York Yankees in the middle of the night. What a heist.

Somewhere in the world, Theo Epstein is wearing a black turtleneck and clinking champagne glasses with George Clooney, Brad Pitt and that Affleck brother that sexually harassed that woman.

The backbone of the Yankees organization is gone so you can cross New York off of the list of title contenders. Who cares how many home runs Aaron Judge hits next season if Torreyes isn’t there to not be able to reach his high fives.

Anthony Rizzo is going to show up on opening day wearing Ronald Torreyes as a backpack and the Cubs are going 162-0. Kyle Schwarber is going to use Torreyes as a bat in the on-deck circle. He is the ultimate Swiss Army knife of a man. Someone should make a movie about that and cast the kid from Harry Potter.

Who will fill that role on the New York Yankees now?

Tyler Wade? He wishes. The thing about Ronald Torreyes is that he is actually a .281 career hitter. He can ball. Tyler Wade has a gross .161 batting average. He has 20 career hits. P.U.

I’d say Clint Frazier could step into that role but an Aaron Judge high five would put him in the concussion protocol. Plus, there’s something off about that kid. This isn’t a joke about redheads either. Grow up. I was just being nice and not explicitly coming out and saying that he seems like a loser. But fine. It’s out there now.

Is Jacoby Ellsbury…alive? Has anyone checked his home recently? I assume he took his free $21 million and he’s with Theo Epstein and Clooney right now all celebrating in a pool of cash.

Don’t even bother watching the 2019 MLB season. The Chicago Cubs won it already.




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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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