The Bachelor Recap: The Escort Interrogation

Last week ended with Sarah leaving and crying because she decided to go on a dating game show away from home while her father was on her death bed and finally realized that may not be a great look for her.

All that shit was thrown entirely out the window when 5 new girls arrived fresh off their Coronavirus quarantines and everyone lost their minds. Last season they brought in a new Bachelorette after a few weeks and I imagine there was a ratings spike so naturally, the show producers tried to run this concept back. Shrug.

The 5 new girls walk in and are immediately treated like garbage by the 18 women already in the house because the show producers elected to hold them back for episode 4.

One of the women introduced was a former Miss Puerto Rico, who walked in with a tiara so naturally, Victoria the Queen immediately took the tiara off Miss Puerto Rico’s head, placed it on her own head and then placed it down on the table all while nervously trembling and looking around to see if she had the approval of the other girls in the room as she continued to pretend to be the villain even though she is clearly uncomfortable doing so.

There was instant smoke between Anna and new girl, Brittany, as they both run in the same streets of Chicago and according to Anna, Brittany hangs around a lot of rich men therefore she is automatically an escort.

That is a very dumb thought process but Anna is clearly upset that there’s new competition and she’s reacting poorly. Do you know how I know she’s upset? Because Anna’s face constantly looks like she just stepped on a floor full of thumbtacks.

Anna’s teeth look so fucking heavy. Why is this a thing? Dear women with weird oversized mouths, you don’t need to smother it in red lipstick. We already see it. I’m looking at you, Busy Phillips.

Anyway, thinking Brittany to be a prostitute is one thing. Telling everyone in the house and then demanding she respond to the rumors that you literally just made up yourself, is a whole other thing.

The rest of the episode is dedicated to the escort thing and we don’t get a rose ceremony until next week. Whatever. Here are some awards for the week:

Most Likely To Become The Next Bachelorette: Katie

I always say, there are 2 ways to play the game. You can try to actually win and find love and marriage and blah blah. OR, you play for fame. You play for longevity.

Katie the Coomer walked in with her vibrator on day one and turned that into some female empowerment move about women being free and open sexually when it was really just a way to stand out and she just somehow accidentally kept getting roses.

Now Katie has positioned herself as the ‘good’ girl in the house after defending Sarah last week against bullying and now ending this week’s episode reporting to Matt that Anna cannot stop telling people that Brittany blows men for dollars.

She’s going to lose because duh but ABC will be able to advertise her as the good girl who had her heartbroken and then 25 flaccid 5-foot-11 dudes can pretend to love her. Can’t wait.

Dumbest Date: Squirrel Hunt

I was ready to talk shit about Matt making these women box each other and immediately clutching his pearls in shock to see these women…boxing. But I’m having chilling flashes of women dressed as squirrels jumping in leaves to find fake acorns(?) Am I getting this correct? Did I dream this?

The Love of My Life: Kim

The producers brought 5 girls into the show about an hour before a rose ceremony began for reasons I still cannot fathom. 4 of those girls received roses and 1 of those new girls got about 100 seconds of screen time in a trash fit before she awkwardly had to leave.

I will never forget you, Kim. The ICU nurse from Cali was kicked out in the middle of a global pandemic where she is singlehandedly keeping people alive out there. Shame on you, Matt. Who knew the first black bachelor would treat this Asian princess this way. Makes you think.

Best Matt Moment of the Week:

This is the loudest silence I have ever heard in my life.



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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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