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Raiders Hard Knocks Episode 1: Derek Carr is a Weenie and Jonathan Abram is a Sociopath

The Raiders are having their second back-to-back farewell season in Oakland as the Las Vegas stadium is still under construction and they decided to take this as an opportunity to compile a roster full of maniacs so naturally, they ended up on this season of Hard Knocks.

Hard Knocks seems deadset on making us care about Derek Carr. I assure you, we do not. Even in the beginning when he’s interviewed at his home with his family, his wife didn’t want to be seen on camera. I don’t think I’ve ever seen bigger sunglasses.

She went full Melania Trump stunt double.

Also super funny that Derek Carr told his baby sons not to cry as he continually swatted their jump shots away like an asshole when we all know last season he got sacked like, super hard, and cried because it hurt to be tackled.

Then there was a weird very forced conversation about Derek Carr’s arms and the only thing I could think about the whole time is that no matter what size his arms are, Carr still cannot throw a football further than 10 yards. No wonder his wife was in hiding. Flaccid life.

Antonio Brown’s children are also underwhelmed by their dad’s new QB, calling him Derek Carter. I guess it’s Derek Carter now. The man’s been in the league for six years and he’s still a no name. Derek Carter from this point forward. The Brown family has spoken.

Speaking of Antonio Brown, outside of an unnecessary hot air balloon (that would immediately be dwarfed by unnecessary horse rides) AB was pretty lowkey which is surprising considering the number of cameras in his face.

If anything, Brown came off looking great. With his foot basically rotting off his ankle, he was still going hard in drills in spite of the trainers giving him full permission to take it easy. This Antonio Brown kid might turn into a star someday if he keeps up the hard work.

Nooooot a great look for Ronald Ollie who seemed to also suffer a foot injury and was promptly cut when he couldn’t play through it. Football sucks. If you’re an undrafted rookie and you get shot in the face, you better bandage that shit up and hit the sleds or else you’re OUTTTAAAA here.

It’s an evil world we live in.

But after the show was done with Derek Carter, it quickly gave the spotlight to rookie safety, Jonathan Abram, and outgoing isn’t a strong enough to describe the rookie who showed up in the most expensive car and talked nonstop.

He went horseback riding with Clelin Ferrell and the two held hands at one point. Mega cute. He had a truly thought provoking discussion over the pronunciation of the word ‘salmon’, a revelation that most people have at the age of 12.

But the best Abram moment came during practice when he was straight up clotheslining receivers in a walkthrough practice where no one was wearing pads.

I’m sure these two with have zero issues going forward. Zero.

Winner of the Week

Let me just state plainly: the winner will always be Jon Gruden and he wrapped this week’s victory up in the first 5 minutes with that opening speech.

“I’m not really into dreams anymore…I’m into nightmares” *runs through a wall for the ol’ ball coach*

What we need more of

Antonio Brown and Richie Incognito were a little toooo behaved. It’s only a matter of time until they strangle each other like Homer and Bart Simpson. It’d be a reaaaal shame if the Hard Knocks cameras caught the altercation. A real shame.

Oh, also this happened:

Raiders going 16-0.

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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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