The Bachelor is BACK with a 3-hour premiere that was mostly just weird people proposing to each other at their own viewing parties and former Bachelor contestants soaking in hot tubs in the parking lot for some reason.
In between the hours of Chris Harrison hosting a viewing party and getting tribute videos from his mom, there was an actual Bachelor premiere squeezed between.
First, let’s talk about The Bachelor himself, Colton Underwood.
He’s so dreamy, I’ve been told. The only thing I know about Colton is that he played in the NFL for like, one afternoon oh, and that he’s never had sex before.
I don’t know how I feel about his virginity being the only thing that’s spoken about for the entirety of this season. It’s both not a big deal and also, not the truth.
Oh, so you were a college football star and you played in the NFL and didn’t come near a vagina once? You’re either lying or you like boy’s butts. Both? It’s 2019, after all. But good for you. Sex is overrated, I typed out knowing that if a girl texted me right now saying ‘come have sex with me’ then I’d go sprinting there and you will never see this article because it would just sit in the
Time to rank these girls based off absolutely nothing because I don’t think I saw a single personality last night.
Elyse is a 31-year old makeup artist from Arizona. She’s clearly out of choices. It was either going on the Bachelor or becoming a criminal’s wife. I’m a big ‘age is just a number guy’ but let’s face it, she’s not even in anyone’s Tinder age radius anymore.
“Hi, I’m Heather and I’ve never been kissed before”. This is a cute little gimmick considering that Colton has never had sex but something tells me that the hot girl who has specifically chosen never to kiss a guy before won’t handle the fact that her first kiss will be on television 5 minutes before and 5 minutes after Colton just made out with other chicks.
BB girl. I luh yu. You’re great. But you can’t be the girl who calls out another girl on the opening night. Do you realize you’re already fighting against the odds as one of the few black girls on The Bachelor? You can’t be the girl known for ‘drama’.
I don’t remember who the fuck this is so.
I’m pretty sure Erika is the girl who walked up and handed Colton a bag of nuts so that’s…a thing that happened.
Kirpa seems sweet and will probably stick around for awhile. Personally, my teeth are falling out of my face because I don’t have healthcare so every time I see a dentist on television I get genuinely pissed.
Tracy is a ‘former’ dancer and keeps alluding to leaving her job in a weird way that I definitely need further explanation of but her biggest problem is being a brunette. This is The Bachelor. Dye your hair blonde or stay home.
Again, I don’t totally remember who this is but man, how about that tribute to Chris Harrison. What a guy.
Nina has taken a reaaaal bold strategy of choosing to only speak in Croatian. We’ll see how this plays out long term.
Tayshia is cute as fuck. I’m a fan. She’s also a phlebotomist which is a fine profession, that I’m pretty sure every girl I’ve met in the last 3 years has. Let’s just say things didn’t end well with those girls. I hold grudges.
There are two women who look the same and have almost the same name and Caitlin is the one out of the two that didn’t how up wearing a beauty contest sash.
The other Caitlin, minus the T, plus the beauty contest W equals Top Tier on a competition all about how great you look in a dress and how much you can lie about looking for ‘the one’. She checks those boxes off.
Don’t sleep on the Cuban mami who seems to be extremely family oriented which is like cheat codes to get to the final rounds of The Bachelor. All you have to do is mention that you have family members and you’re in the Final 4.
Alex B’s occupation is ‘dog rescuer’ and although I’m not entirely sure what that means, it would appear as though anything related to dogs will be Colton’s kryptonite.
The blonde Miss Alabama beauty pageant winner. Homegirl can just say ‘Roll Tide’ for the next few weeks and she’s going home with a rose every single time. That’s just how this works.
Deadass, if you name isn’t Hannah then go home right now. Stop wasting our time. Hannah G. gets the nod over Hannah B. because she reminded Colton to breathe, an important function for the human body to maintain. Colton is going to need Dr. Hannah to literally stay alive. D.E.N.N.I.S. System: Demonstrate Value.
The episode started with footage of Katie working out and that’s pretty much what I remember most from the premiere. Like I think a girl showed up dressed like but I KNOW Katie was crushing that wack ass Crossfit gym.
Cassie is my darkhorse to run the table here. They showed footage of homegirl working with children as a speech pathologist and even I’m like ‘awww’ and I don’t ‘aw’. I scoff, mostly. Lester, The Scoffer.
Absolute Fucking Wild Cards
You walk in with a fake Australian accent just to stand out, you’ve won the night. Whenever you go viral before the show even premieres, you enter GOAT status. She’ll be
Catherine is a straight up BULLY. She came through like Cruella Deville with a gameplan, spend as much time with Colton regardless of whether or not he’s in the middle of a conversation with some other bitch. I think my favorite thing about her is that she’s a ‘DJ’. My second favorite thing about her is that she bought lips for this show. Can’t. Knock. The Hustle.
Demi, AKA my future wife, may have not won the episode but she sure as shit won my attention the second she said “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12′. Done. Her mom is in federal prison. She looks like a 15-year old. Her eyes don’t quite line up. I’m ready for the Demi spin-off show. Fuck The Bachelor. I’m here for Demi.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee with your thoughts on the new Bachelor contestants. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.