Minnesota Vikings Signing Kirk Cousins To Over $85 Million Fully Guaranteed is the Worst Signing in NFL History

Kirk Cousins sucks.

Before I go any further, I need to make it incredibly clear that Kirk Cousins is an average NFL quarterback and the idea that he’s about to make close to $30 million this season, all fully guaranteed, is an insane miscalculation on the Minnesota Vikings part.

Here’s a positive Cousins stat: Kirk has thrown for 4,000 yards three times in his career. The Minnesota Vikings have only had four 4,000 passing seasons in FRANCHISE HISTORY. Daunte Culpepper, Warren Moon twice and Brett Favre. Warren Moon was 38 and 39 when he did it. Brett Favre was 40. Minnesota doesn’t quite have a history of having quarterbacks in their prime putting up big numbers.

Cousins gets a lot of credit for how well he played last season after factoring in how awful the Washington Redskins offensive line was and how injured the wide receiver corp was. Cousins still put up 4,000 yards and tossed 27 touchdowns while completing 64% of his passes.

Buuuut here’s how you know Cousins sucks, his own head coach shit all over him when the season was over.

“When you’re 7-9, you know it’s hard to say, ‘Wow, this guy really was outstanding,'” Washington coach Jay Gruden told reporters following the season. “Kirk had his flashes where he was really good. From a consistent standpoint, over the course of 16 games, you know we’re 7-9.”

(Bleacher Report)

That’s one of the meanest things I’ve ever heard someone say about another man. Jay Gruden is making my first point for me. Kirk won 7 games last season. Want to know how many times Kirk has made the playoffs? One times. You know how many playoff games he’s won? Zero games.

If you’re backing up a Brinks truck to a quarterback’s front door, you might want a quarterback who like, contributes to their team’s win-loss record. You can’t make the argument ‘well look at the Redskins team around him. Cousins is only one guy’ argument when you watch Cam Newton, Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson drag their shitty teams through playoff runs. All three of those quarterbacks are making less money that Cousins is about to.

Also, you cannot turn the football over in the NFL, I’ve heard. Cousins had 13 interceptions and 13 FUMBLES. All you have to do is get a hand on Cousins and that ball is dropping right out of his hands. Doesn’t matter if he has Stefon Diggs and Adam Thielen running fly routes when Cousins is going to fumble the snap.

Thoughts and Prayers to the Minnesota Vikings for making the worst signing in NFL history.

But congrats to my mom and dad, Kirk and Julie, for getting that sweet delicious cash. Cash Rules Everything Around Me.




Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Kirk Cousins is going to save the Minnesota Vikings. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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