STONE COLD TYLER AUSTIN IS ABOUT THAT LIFE SHOUTOUT TO MY MAN FOR SMACKING HIS BAT AGAINST THE GROUND LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK FUCK THE RED SOX THE RIVALRY IS OFFICIALLY BACK ON BUILD TYLER AUSTIN’S STATUE IN MONUMENT PARK TONIGHT
(Joe Kelly reallyyy won this fight…fuck) pic.twitter.com/tHHJ5YYfiz
— Lester, The Writer (@TheLesterLee) April 12, 2018
So, I know I’ve spoken very highly of Greg Bird over the years. The kid has a bat and unfortunately, his body is made of tissue paper so he’s constantly hurt. I am 1000% okay with Bird playing like, 25 games a season and getting huge hits in the playoffs while Stone Cold Tyler Austin takes over for the rest of the year and comes out cracking skulls.
For context, early in the game, Tyler Austin sled into second base and made a little contact with Brock Holt. Holt took exception to this even though it’s game 11 of the MLB regular season and it was a normal baseball play attempting to break up a double play. Oh, and because no one gives a shit about Brock Holt.
Enter Joe Kelly who decided to stand up for his boy, Holt. Anddd he missed his first attempt to hit Austin with a bad inside pitch that made me question whether or not he was trying to intentionally hit Austin or if he was following David Price’s footsteps of having no idea how to pitch to the Yankees.
Then a couple of pitches later, Kelly finally made contact with Austin and all hell broke loose. Tyler Austin slamming his bat absolutely SHOOK Kelly out of his cleats.
Shout out to the Yankees inside man, Red Sox catcher Christian Vazquez, who wanted nothing to do with this skirmish. Tyler Austin took a solid 45 minutes between getting hit and choosing to charge the mound and Vazquez barely did anything to protect his pitcher. Vazquez had time to pick up Austin’s bat, hand it to the bat boy, get a cup of coffee and the very crowded cold brew shop in SoHo and come back to barelyyy tug on Austin’s jersey.
Charging the mound is hard. If I learned ANYTHING from the Star Wars prequels is that having the high ground is an instant victory so when you’re running from home plate and hoping to get the jump on a guy standing on a mound, you’re probably going to end up like Austin here on all fours with the pitcher mushing your face in the grass like he’s your older brother and you spit in his cereal.
Here’s the thing Joe Kelly, can’t let the guy who wants to murder you, um, get up from the bottom of the pile and MURDER YOU.
Aaron Judge is every bouncer across the country who ‘stops a fight’ by putting the wrong guy in a headlock and probably sneaking some punches in for himself. I got kicked out of a bar (a lot) for being too drunk and the bouncer like, chokeslammed me on the sidewalk because he was for sure waiting all week for some ‘action’. Aaron Judge was created to benches-clearing brawls.
Uh, Joe, Buddy. Um, you good? Joe Kelly looks like he’s currently walking through Penn Station asking strangers if they’ve seen his shoes. Jesus. Tyler Austin turned Joe Kelly into a vagrant. Joe Kelly looks like how I feel.
Tyler Austin is the new king of New York. Joe Kelly is dead, Tyler Austin murdered him. It’s April 12th. I love baseball.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee. if you are going to Tyler Austin’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.