Joe Kelly For President

On Tuesday night, the Los Angeles Dodgers and Houston Astros competed against each other for the first time since the reports of the Astros cheating to win the 2017 World Series were released. The Dodgers were robbed of a championship thanks to the Astros sign-stealing operation.

And after 5 innings, it appeared as though we were just stuck watching a regular-ass baseball game which is something none of us tuned in for. Walker Buehler decided to take the high road and actually like, just try to get outs or whatever. Very lame but I reckon that’s what you can expect from a guy named Walker Buehler that looks like Walker Buehler.

But things FINALLY got interesting when Dodger relief pitcher, Joe Kelly, entered in the 6th inning to raise hell.

After falling 3-0 against Alex Bregman, Joe Kelly’s eyes lit up and he clearly had a major fuck it moment deciding to throw behind Bregman and send him that warning. This is the old Randy Johnson move. He once said that he’d rather hit a batter than walk them. Except this was a little more personal.

Then Michael Brantly hit an infield ground ball to first. Joe Kelly went to cover the bag and he and Brantley’s feet collided. That was more staring and posturing before new Houston Astros manager, Dusty Baker, reminded Kelly to get back to the mound.

Important to note that I’m fairly certain Baker said ‘little’ fucker not ‘motherfucker’ which is astronomically funnier.

Joe Kelly then walked Yuli Gurriel before throwing a first pitch curveball directly at Carlos Correa with Correa narrowly ducking the bean. Joe Kelly would eventually strike Correa out on that same curveball before there was more jawing and benches cleared.

But Kelly gave us the best moment of the early baseball season:

Joe Kelly was a member of the 2017 Boston Red Sox that got run over by the Astros in the first round of the playoffs so he wanted revenge as much as anyone on the Dodgers. And that was the perfect reaction after an offseason of Carlos Correa and these Astros pretending as if they were the victims and they didn’t realize what they were doing is bad.

Correa is the ultimate vagina who missed time last year after his rib was cracked in a massage. Man can’t even get a massage without his bitch bones crumbling.

Joe Kelly deserves to run for president as a third party candidate. I don’t know any of his politics (I assume they are horrendous) but what he did in this game is better than anything Joe Biden or Donald Trump has ever done and it isn’t close.

But this is just one game in the series and I can’t help but notice that Jose Altuve has made it through this season completely unscathed thus far. Hopefully, the Dodgers have some running mates or a strong cabinet that will follow Joe Kelly’s lead and start making things interesting.

Also real quick, if you saw the benches clear and your little joke response was ‘this isn’t social distancing’ then please go find some other parade to rain on. Major League Baseball and Rob Manfred doesn’t even care if these players live or die. Let them bash each other’s brains in. But fine we’ll meet in the middle. Fight but like, wear face masks.


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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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