Jay Cutler and Tomi Lahren Are Having Boring Miserable Sex

You never know what news will break when you scroll the timeline so it was both shocking and completely appropriate to log on and see that former NFL quarterback and newly very divorced dad, Jay Cutler, and race-baiting dog-whistling Fox News host, Tomi Lahren, were banging.

The two were seen painting the town red on a wonderful starry night in Nashville.

“The two of them were having a lot of fun together at a table along with two other friends,” the source shares. “Tomi and Jay were passing a bottle of tequila back and forth and taking shots together directly from the bottle.”

The insider adds, “The two of them left together.”

Passing around bottles of tequila in a pandemic. Jay Cutler is really going through it right now. It makes all the sense in the world that his post-divorce midlife crisis would lead him to try and finger some 20-year blonde with dumb for brains.

This is such a fascinating relationship based entirely on their individual temperaments. Jay Cutler’s marriage just ended because he put zero effort in and acted as if doing ANYTHING was a massive burden for him. He spent his entire NFL career shrugging.

Meanwhile, Tomi Lahren has gone on several rants against lazy millennials and men in general. It’s actually lowkey kind of weird how much energy this political pundit has given to expressing his distaste for modern men and their dating bullshit.

So to see these opposites attract after a bottle of tequila is perfect. Jay was probably drunk as hell and outgoing for the first time in his life. Just pretending to care about her culture war nonsense. You have to imagine she was screaming about Antifa knocking down George Washington statues while Jay was pouring my shots for them.

But Jay Cutler saw the rumors taking over the Internet and headed over to Instagram to put an end to them.

View this post on Instagram

Only lady in my life. Be better internet.

A post shared by Jay Cutler (@ifjayhadinstagram) on

Jay wants all of us to knowespecially the ex-wife who probably has custody of his kidsthat the only woman in his life is a cow. Making it loud and clear that he is not dating Tomi Lahren. He simply put his mostly soft tequila weiner in her for several consecutive seconds and that’s all it was.

It’s safe to say that Jay Cutler isn’t the first man to announce to the world that he is not interested in Tomi Lahren. This is business as usual for her. She seems like the type of girl who is constantly holding up her front-facing camera to check on her makeup so she ignores you when you’re talking but then demands your full attention when she’s going on about like, why brown people have violence in their DNA or whatever evil shit she believes this week.

I’m happy Jay had sex. I’m happy Tomi had sex. Jay Cutler is from Tennesee. He’s probably a Trump supporter but I’m just happy he’s not dating Tomi Lahren and I can pretend he’s apolitical and only cares about farm animals and leaving Kristin Cavalieri’s texts on read.


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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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