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How To Properly Mock The Houston Astros Trading For Wife Beater Roberto Osuna as a New York Yankees Fan That Cheers For Wife Beater Aroldis Chapman

There are a lot of moving parts in this Robert Osuna for Ken Giles trade as a New York Yankees fan.

I don’t know where to start. Suppose I should get into Roberto Osuna beating a woman up. This is going to be difficult to talk about not because of the subject matter but simply because the Toronto police and Major League Baseball have released zero details about the incident but it was gruesome enough that MLB hit Osuna with a 75-game suspension which is the longest personal conduct suspension in MLB history. Jesus.

So while Osuna is sitting at home icing his hand from hitting his girl so hard, the Houston Astros traded for him to sure up their bullpen. He’s one of the best closers in baseball so as far as his on the field talents go, this deal is a no-brainer.

But there are consequences to your actions.

If you trade for a guy who hasn’t even had his domestic abuse court date yet then you are opening yourself up to a PR nightmare. The front office can’t really claim they did their ‘due diligence’ when Osuna isn’t set to appear in court until August 1st.

Everyone is allowed to shit on the Astros for this awful move. Well, unless you’re a New York Yankees fan who watches Aroldis Chapman throw 103mph nowhere near the strike zone every other night.

The New York Yankees traded for Aroldis Chapman after it was reported that Chapman’s Bae went through his phone, found some sketchy shit she didn’t like and then ended up getting choked out and slammed into the garage wall before Aroldis fired off EIGHT gunshots in anger.

It’s impossible to not come off as a hypocrite as I scold the Astros for acquiring Roberto Osuna while the Yankees traded for Aroldis Chapman AND signed him in free agency and a year later. They acquired Chapman twice, damn it.

First of all, Fuck Aroldis Chapman.

I want to make it extremely clear that I am not nor have I ever personally rooted for that piece of shit. He happens to wear pinstripes and pitch the 9th inning and I want the team to succeed but you could put anyone in the closer role and I’ll want him to succeed.

If Aroldis Chapman got cut today, I’d celebrate.

He’s been suffering from a bit of a knee injury this season and I’ve been actively rooting for the knee injury to win. If the Yankees can somehow manage to win this season’s World Series without Chapman being involved, it would be the best case scenario.

There is no clear solution when it comes to disciplinary actions regarding domestic abuse. As much as I would fully support a lifetime ban for these garbage people, the unintended consequences would potentially cancel out the good it would do.

By kicking players out of the sport for hitting their significant others, you are discouraging these women from coming forward and calling the police because they could effectively end their husband’s career.

More often than not, couples stay together after these incidents so if women are afraid that coming out would cancel their husband’s careers they are either destroying their own family’s income orrrrr they are going to have to face the physical consequences of their boyfriend now sitting at home with unlimited free time and a bone to pick with the woman that took everything from him. Fists will be thrown.

As a Yankees fan, you might be able to get away with saying that Chapman was only suspended 30 games while Roberto Osuna was suspended 75 games but the ‘my pitcher didn’t hit his wife as many times as your pitcher did’ argument seems a tad, insensitive.

I think as long as you can acknowledge that Chapman is a trashbag whose life doesn’t matter anymore, then you may openly shit on the Houston Astros. Especially considering that NO ONE made them trade for Roberto Osuna.

Zach Britton was available. Obviously. Other relief pitchers were moved this week. The Texas Rangers just traded their closer, Keone Kela, to the Pittsburgh Pirates. There were plenty of other moves outside of calling up the Toronto Blue Jays to pick up their player who is currently, as I write this, ironing his suit for court tomorrow.

Fuck Aroldis Chapman. Fuck Roberto Osuna.

But for a less serious impact of this Astros trade, we need to discuss the Blue Jays acquiring Ken Giles, the man who was sent to AAA because he punched himself in the face and said ‘fuck you’ to the Astros manager when he took him out of a game.

Now he’s on the Blue Jays which means he’s in the AL East which means he’s going to be seeing the New York Yankees a loooot more often and Gary Sanchez’s mouth is salivating just thinking about all of the BOMBS he’s going to hit off Giles.

I guess at the end of the day there’s only one thing to do: stop fucking hitting women. Problem solved.




Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think the Houston Astros trading for Robert Osuna was gross and bad and dumb and gross and bad and dumb. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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