— Houston Astros (@astros) October 22, 2017
There are some fans in the world that believe you are supposed to root for the team that beat your favorite team in the playoffs because it validates your season. ‘Hey, the Yankees lost but at least we lost to the team that won the World Series. We even took them 7 games.’
That’s the way losers talk. I hate the Houston Astros now. If you’ve followed me over the past couple of seasons you know that the Toronto Blue Jays are my enemies. From Edwin Encarnacion’s frat pledge chinstrap beard. To Troy Tulowitzki saying he’d never play for the Yankees after teasing being a Yankees fan for years. To Jose Bautista sleeping in a vat of HGH saline fluid and bursting out every morning like Wolverine. To Josh Donaldson simply having a vagina.
But the Astros are now my foes.
We get it, Jose Altuve is short. That’s not as remarkable as people try to make it seem. He’s not an NBA guard where being 5’6″ is an incredible handicap. He’s not Earl Boykins out there on the field. He plays baseball. Everyone relax.
After battling with the Astros for 7 games, I want nothing more than to see them fail. Suddenly everyone on this team transformed into Gold Glovers against the Yankees and I hope they break the record for most outfield errors in the World Series. I want tears.
I’m genuinely rooting for Justin Verlander’s arm to fall off. I’m tired of seeing Kate Upton’s overbite and her gorilla brows. She looks like she’s dressing up like a sexy caveman for Halloween except it’s daily.
GET THIS GUY THE FUUUUCK OUT OF HERE.