Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump’s former personal attorney, pleaded guilty in Manhattan federal court Tuesday to eight criminal counts and implicated Trump himself in a remarkable courtroom moment.
Cohen admitted that “in coordination and at the direction of a candidate for federal office,” he kept information that would have harmed Trump from becoming public during the 2016 election cycle.
The charges against Cohen, an attorney for Trump until earlier this year and a member of his inner circle throughout his presidential campaign, bring a climactic end to a months-long investigation by the US Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York. And they expose, through the criminal information filed against Cohen in court, that he acted with Trump and his allies, including David Pecker, the CEO of the National Enquirer’s publisher, American Media Inc., to suppress potentially damaging claims against the now-President.
As I write this, Michael Cohen is singing like a canary and snitching to the FBI and Robert Mueller about all of the crimes that he and his best friend Donald Trump committed by taking campaign dollars and using it to pay random chicks for sex.
Here’s what Donald Trump had to say about his right-hand man turning himself into the FBI:
If anyone is looking for a good lawyer, I would strongly suggest that you don’t retain the services of Michael Cohen!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 22, 2018
Laugh out loud.
This is like when the couple that is far too public about their relationship on social media finally break up and one of them posts a Facebook status saying “If you’re looking for a loyal woman who won’t cheat or betray you, I suggest not hitting up Amanda because that bitch is a hoe”.
Donald Trump really saw this Michael Cohen news and like the sociopath that he is, he completely disassociated himself from the situation. My man is so good at lying to himself that he truly believes he has no real relationship to Michael Cohen.
He read a headline about a sketchy lawyer and he was like ‘wow, this Cohen guy is really fishy. I would never hire such a shady crooked attorney and honestly, I need to let the American people know that they shouldn’t hire him either’. And then after he hit send on that tweet he was like ‘god damn, there I go being a hero again. Best president ever’.
None of this Cohen business will affect Trump’s presidency at all because best case he gets convicted of a crime and immediately pardons himself of that crime and worst case, Cohen and Paul Manafort are sharing bunk beds in prison while Donald Trump rapes his Handmaid, OfDonald, and I’m a slave again.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Donald Trump is going to force himself into a diet coke coma on purpose to avoid jail time. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.