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Deadseriousness Top 100 NBA Players Heading Into The 2019-20 Season

Welcome to the first ever Deadseriousness Top 100 NBA Players list. I cannot let ESPN and Bleacher Report steal all the pageviews with their bullshit top 100 lists without getting some clicks over here.

This is about to be time consuming as hell so if you’re reading this just know that half of this list was written at 5am with my eyes bleeding out of my face as I try to come up with some clever analysis for DJ Augustin.

Quick notes:

  • No players who will miss the year with injuries (KD, Klay, Boogie, John Wall, Nurkic etc.)
  • No rookies. It would be insane for me to sit here and say that DeAndre Hunter is better than Derrick Favors without ever having seen him play against Derrick Favors. Feel me?
  • You have to currently be signed to an NBA roster aka the Ron Baker rule.
  • I probably forgot some players but chances are, if there is a player you believe deserves to be on the Top 100 list and you don’t see him here, you’re wrong.

So let’s do it. Here are the Top 100 players heading into the 2019-20 NBA season:

100. Andrew Wiggins

This is my favorite stat for old heads that see Wiggins’s scoring numbers and think he’s good at basketball: 48 players averaged at least 18 points per game last season. 47 of those players had a higher true shooting percentage than Wiggins.

He is without a doubt the least effiecent basketball player in the world. He also doesn’t add anything to the box score outside of his 18-25 points on any given night. No rebounds. No playmaking. No defense.

But he makes the Top 100 because, ya know, scoring points does matter a little bit.

99. Kyle Lowry

Kyle Lowry is the least fun player to watch participate in the sport of basketball and he would’ve been dead last on this list if Andrew Wiggings didn’t exist.

He is the worst NBA All-Star ever and his terrible plump ass is going to end up in the Hall of Fame, isn’t he? I’m sick.

I don’t want to hear about the Raptors playoff chances this season. DeMar DeRozan isn’t walking through that door. It’s just Kyle Lowry being mediocre as hell.

98. Goran Dragic

Peak behind the Deadseriousness curtain: Goran Dragic is one of my favorite players in the league and I forgot to put him on this list. Damn.

This was originally supposed to be Dario Saric’s spot. I wonder what inspired me to think of Dragic when I saw Saric? Shrug.

97. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander

The Thunder are about to have one of the weirdest seasons in the NBA that might result in a playoff berth. Chris Paul and SGA vs. Everybody.

96. Joe Johnson


95. Justice Winslow

Now that Jimmy Butler is in town, get ready to hear more about Justice Winslow who has quietly been balling out in Miami but no one noticed because we were consumed by Dwyane Wade exchanging jerseys with everyone except Emmanuel Mudiay.

OR, now that Jimmy Butler is in town, get ready to hear about Jimmy keying Justice’s car because he was 30 seconds late to practice so if he doesn’t care about being on time then he doesn’t care about winning and if he doesn’t care about winning then he must not about his car, or some shit.

94. DeAndre Ayton

Ayton averaged 16 points and 10 boards in his rookie campaign. He was also got crossed up and dunked on nightly.

I don’t know what value a big man who can’t defend the paint has in the modern NBA but I do know that we’ll never find out as long as he’s wearing a Suns jersey.

93. Marvin Bagley

Marvin Bagley looked like the worst draft pick in NBA history. after we saw what Luka Doncic was doing in the first half of that season. You never want to be the Darko Milicic selected right before Carmelo Anthony.

92. Kyle Kuzma

kyle kuzma

Part of me will never understand why Kyle Kuzma is the one young Laker they needed to keep while sending everyone else to the New Orleans Pelicans. Kuzma is a big man who plays like a guard which is cool on offense but defensively, Anthony Davis is going to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting.

The one skill Kuzma has is a natural feel for the game which is crucial when you’re playing with LeBron throwing 100pmh no-look fastballs at you on the fast break.

91. Marcus Smart

Marcus Smart has a 37% career field goal percentage. You can make the argument that he puts so much effort and energy into locking up on defense that naturally his offense falls off a cliff.

I’m not making that argument.

His shot selection is atrocious and he should not take anywhere near as many 3’s as he chooses to take BUT he’s a pitbull defensively so shrug.gif.

90. Jonas Valančiūnas

No matter how many ‘unicorns’ enter the league or how much the league evolves, there will always be a special place in my heart for the traditional big man (which you will later see from where LaMarcus Aldridge is on this list).

89. Dennis Smith Jr

Dennis Smith Jr was launched out of a cannon the fuck out of Dallas because he was unable to play alongside a much better playmaker in Luka Doncic. Naturally, that trash landed in New York and now he’s going to be splitting time with Elfrid Payton because the Knicks front office is *checks notes* dumb as shit.

88. Joe Harris

I’m not directly blaming Joe Harris for Team USA finishing in 20th place at the FIBA World Cup but like, come on. Joe Harris is essentially the same player as JJ Redick except taller, hairier and significantly less important.

Harris is one of the best shooters in the NBA and will most likely end up being the best player on the team as Kevin Durant doesn’t have an achilles and Kyrie Irving will have no less than 2,000 little minor injuries that keep him off the court.

87. Thaddeus Young

Thaddeus Young is good at most aspects of the game but isn’t particularly great at anything. He’s a versitile defender in a league of *whispers* positionless basketball *turns into stardust and floats into the cosmos*

86. Serge Ibaka

I just did a quick Google and it sasy that Serge Ibaka just turned 30 years old. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Serge Ibaka hasn’t been 30 years old for about 16 years.

85. Al-Farouq Aminu

Did you know the Orlando Magic signed Al-Farouq Aminu? Here’s another question that I genuinely need an answer for: Do you know WHY the Orlando Magic signed Al-Farouq Aminu? No to both questions? Got it.

84. Patrick Beverley

kevin durant patrick beverly

Patrick Beverley ought to be No. 1 on this list after what he did to Kevin Durant in the postseason. I’m not saying that Durant tore his achilles trying to avoid Beverly but like, it’s an interesting coincidence.

Oh, there’s also that video of him balling in timbs so he might be the best Knicks point guard of the last two decades who never actually played for the Knicks.

83. Zach Lavine

Zach Lavine is frustrating as hell. He can jump out of the gym but has frequently chosen to pocket his athleticism and settle for pull up midrange jumpers with about 22 seconds left on the shot clock.

The second half of last season, Lavine went to the basket more and finished with more free throw attempts than Jimmy Butler and DeMar DeRozan. Chicago will most likely take the ball out of Lavine’s hands which means the Bulls might uh, be good??

82. Dion Waiters

So many boats and helicopters have come to rescue me but I’m NEVER leaving Waiters island. The king returns from an ankle injury this season. Me, Dion and Jimmy Butler vs. Everyone.

81. Bam Adebayo

I believe were are on the precipe of a Bam Adebayo breakout year. With Jimmy Butler in a Heat jersey, we are going to see a lot more of this team on national television.

Bam is a coast-to-coast big man who grabs defensive rebounds and pushes the ball up the floor himself so it’s going to be hilarious to watch Bam driving up the court as Jimmy Butler and Dion Waiters hands bleed clapping so hard for the ball they won’t be getting.

80. Mitchell Robinson

Had to sneak my Knicks bias in here somewhere but I’d be remiss to not claim that Mitch Robinson is a Top 100 player in the NBA whether it is true or not.

Last season, Robinson was 2nd in the entire NBA in blocks per game. He had more blocks per game than Rudy Gobert. He had 36 more blocks than Karl-Anthony Towns in 1,185 fewer minutes played.

He was coming off the bench and instantly playing like the best rim protector in the NBA. Now he’s about to start every game and play alongside four power forwards. Bully ball.

79. Domantas Sabonis

Sabonis miiiight be the best bench player in the league that but Drake never made a record about Sabonis having two girlfriends soo the world hasn’t recognized yet.

He averaged 14 points in less than 25 minutes a game on 63% true shooting with 9.3 rebounds. Highly efficient double-doubles in 25 minutes. It took me 25 minutes just to find these stats.

78. Lonzo Ball

Lonzo Ball looks like he has a brand new shooting form and it appears as though he might actually be wearing real sneakers that weren’t made by his brother LiAngelo.

I don’t think it was a coincidence that he was always suffering from leg injuries while wearing shoes made from recycled cardboard.

Ball is going to get all-you-can eat assists playing alongside JJ Redick, Zion Williamson, Jrue Holiday and Brandon Ingram.

77. Brandon Ingram

Brandon Ingram might be one of the most intriguing players heading into the 2019-20 NBA season. Although his ceiling has yet to be unlocked, there have still been flashes of his potential in short doses over the years.

Last season, Ingram averaged 18.3 points per game and is at his best when he has the ball in his hands and allowed to run the offense which obviously cannot be done once LeBron comes to town.

Ingram and Zion could be an amazing 1-2 combo as the NBA thunder and ligtening with Zion smashing through defenders like a wrecking ball and Brandon bringing finesse.

76. Derrick Favors

I’ve already mentioned Derrick Favors far too many times already. You can’t believe I have real Derrick Favors takes. He’s a Top 100 player. Whatever. Keep scrolling.

75. Montrezl Harrell

Montrezl Harrell outplayed the entire Golen State Warriors roster in the playoffs last season. He is a being of pure energy. He is a one-man momentum swing. Send him running to the rim on a pick n roll to catch a lob and he turns into Mario when he eats the mushroom.

74. Otto Porter

The wildest fact I found researching these players is that Otto Porter is only 26 years old. I could’ve sworn he was out there D-ing up against Elgin Baylor and Jerry West back in ’71 but nope, he’s still sitting at the kid’s table at the Porter family Thanksgiving.

73. Harrison Barnes

Harrison Barnes is one of the biggest scammers in the NBA. As a role player, he can trick a team into giving him a bag thinking that they can turn him into the focus of their offense only to prove that he’s just a role player where he will then outplay his small role and thus, the cycle contains.

Break the chain, NBA franchises.

72. Malcolm Brogdon

I really hope you didn’t come here for in-depth Malcom Brodgon talk because if so, you are banned from Deadseriousness.

71. Dejounte Murray

Dejounte Murray was poised to have a breakout season last year before his ACL exploded. The 23-year old already has an All-Defense award under his belt and now he’s about to have a revenge tour. Or whatever level of revenge is possible when one wears a Spurs jersey.

70. Brook Lopez

Brook Lopez is crucial to the Bucks offense. Giannis is going to brick threes and that’s fine because Brook will make up for it. He attempted more 3-pointers last season than Trae Young and Kyrie Irving. One day Brook woke up and did the math. 3’s are worth more than 2’s. The rest is history.

What makes Brook even more valuable is that if you put a smaller defender on him, he will gladly step into the paint and score over them easily. Weapon X.

69. Caris LeVert

Caris LeVert is the only player on the Nets that I genuinely enjoy watching play basketball. He has one of the best crossovers in the game. He was a potential All-Star before he had that disgusting foot injury and now he has to get Kyrie Irving’s scraps. It was fun while it lasted.

In the postseason series where Jared Dudley and Jarrett Allen got sonned by the Sixers, LeVert quietly socred 21 points per game and shot 46% from 3. With Kyrie always hurt and Durant not having an achilles, perhaps LeVert will actually get to lead this Nets team to like, a strong 10th seed.

68. Jaren Jackson Jr

Jaren Jackson Jr singlehandedly makes the Memphis Grizzlies worth watching. He’s 6’11 who can hit step back 3’s like he’s a guard. He can spin around defenders. For a young big man, he already understands where he’s supposed to be on the defensive side of the ball which is rare.

67. Robert Covington

In the last three seasons, only Rudy Gobert has a higher defensive real plus-minus. Covington is really out here being the best perimeter defender in the league.

The problem is he suffered a knee injury last January and hasn’t played since. Typically, one needs two knees in order to play high quality defense and Minnesota is going to need him back at 100% as Andrew Wiggins stands around with one hand in his pocket and a finger in his nose.

66. Josh Richardson

The Sixers flipped Robert Covington inadvertently for Josh Richardson which was quite the lateral move but GM Elton Brand, is certainly not Sam Hinkie as far as genius ideas go. But Sam Hinkie drafted Jahlil Okafor so maybe every GM is bad??

But replacing Redick with Richardson makes Philadelphia a ridiculous annoying defensive team. Ben Simmons and Richardson devouring little guards on the perimeter while Al Horford and Joel Embiid lock down the paint.

65. Julius Randle

2019 nba offseason

Julius Randle is a difficult player to evaluate because his on paper stats are All-Star caliber. 21.4 PPG, 8.7 RPG and 3.1 APG. He’d walk into the NBA Hall of Fame with those career numbers.

But we’ve seen good stats, bad team guys from the beginning of time and there is nothing about Coach Fizdale that gives me faith in Randle’s further development.

Plus, this Knicks roster is so incredibly redundant that Randle might lose a ton of minutes simply due to the Knicks insatiable desire to make awful offseason decisions.

64. Lauri Markkanen

I am going to enjoy Lauri Markkanen in 2019-2 because it’s the last season we get to have fun watching him stretch the floor and average 18 and 10 before guys like Bill Simmons start shitting on him for not singlehandedly winning games in Chicago even though his team literally had a mutiny against their head coach about a month before the Bulls front office gave that head coach a contract extension.

63. JJ Redick

I don’t love when people discuss Steph Curry’s offensive ‘gravity’ as a way to explain that just having him on the court standing around the perimeter is enough to swallow up the entire opposing team’s defensive attention but as much as I believe it’s a bit of an exaggeration, it certainly exists and it’s Redick’s best quality on the floor.

62. PJ Tucker

pj tucker

Pj Tucker is a tank.

He’s a cannonball of a man.

He is an anchor with arms and legs.

He is the human embodiment of gravity.

NBA writers need to stop giving the defensive player of the year award to the 7-foot tall guy who led the league in blocks. What PJ Tucker does defending every single position deserves recognition.

61. Ricky Rubio

According to the FIBA World Cup, Ricky Rubio is the best point guard in the NBA. Those are just facts now. As far as the actual ability of facilitating an offense and the literal passing of a basketball: Ricky Rubio is one of the best in the game.

It’s never a good sign when you leave a team and you’re replaced by another point guard and everyone says ‘FINALLY, the Jazz have a point guard’. Also, not sure how Rubio is supposed to make Devin Booker so much better when we saw what Rubio did with Donovan Mitchell.

Maybe the Suns can get Mike Conley next season.

60. Jaylen Brown

I was so high on Jaylen Brown a couple of years ago when Kyrie was out and he and Terry Rozier led this team to the Eastern Conference Finals. I was high…until I saw Kyle Korver consistently body him on both sides of the court. I’m not saying he’s the reason why Team USA got murked in the FIBA World Cup but like, it’s something to consider.

It’s also really weird to judge his 2018-19 season when everyone on the Celtics played as if it was there first time on a basketball court every night. We keep waiting for Jaylen to turn into Paul George and perhaps he’s just average ass Jaylen Brown.

59. Trae Young

Guard defense is a myth so we’ll ignore the fact that Trae Young’s -4.74 defensive real plus-minus was the lowest the NBA has seen in the last half decade.

Turnovers don’t matter too, right? Because Trae Young committed more turnovers per minute than anyone in the league not named James Harden and Russell Westbrook and according to my research, he has significantly fewer MVP trophies.

But man, he can shoot.

58. Joe Ingles

Joe Ingles was at his best when Gordon Hayward and Joe Johnson were the number one and two scoring options and he could focus on defense and hitting open 3’s. Last season, Ingles was asked to play every position and fill the offensive void that is Ricky Rubio’s awful shooting.

Statstically, he’s the seventh best three point shooter since 2015 and I expect him to retunr to top shooting form with the additions of Mike Conley and Bojan Bogdanovic.

57. John Collins

Trae Young will get all the attention on this roster but John Collins is an exponentially better basketball player. I want to compare him to Giannis but he’s already a better perimeter shooter than Giannis has been in his entire career.

19.5 points, 9.8 rebounds, 34.8% 3-point shooting (Trae only shot 32% from 3. Hm. Interesting.)

56. Gordon Hayward

There’s no way that Gordon Hayward just stinks now. There were too many determinant factors last season. His leg exploded the year before and he wasn’t healthy physically or mentally yet.

Coach Brad Stevens had to constantly shuffle lineups and no player ever became comfortable with their roles and of course, Kyrie fucking Irving thinking he’s a genius because he’s mad nice on the Sudoku app.

Simply being allowed to handle more of the playmaking well unlock former All-Star Hayward but I’m sure Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum will do everything in their power to prevent that from occurring.

What a dumb roster.

55. Eric Gordon

eric gordon

Eric Gordon is the most important player in the Houston Rockets offense which says less about how good Gordon is and says way more about Mr. Hong Kong’s inability to build around James Harden but let’s see how Gordon plays alongside known psychopath Russell Westbrook.

54. Aaron Gordon

The last of the brother’s Gordon comes Aaron. We are all waiting for even lighter skin Blake Griffin to get into his perimeter scoring bag considering the Magic don’t have any guards who can effectively get the rock to Gordon as he’s running to the rim.

The Magic roster is clunky as hell with so many big men all wanting to face up and work the elbow. Gordon, Nikola Vucevic, Jonathan Isaac and now Mo Bamba are going to be crowding the hell out of the paint together.

53. Clint Capela

Clint Capela will never become a Top 50 NBA player until he can stay on the court in playoff games. don’t care how much of an impact you make in the regular season when you have to watch from the sidelines like the rest of us because Draymond Green keeps stealing your lunch money out there.

52. Buddy Hield

Last season Buddy Hield made 278 threes at a 42.9% clip. Only Steph Curry made more threes at as high of a percentage. Only four players have made at least 600 threes over the last three season while making over 40% of them: Steph, Klay, Redick and Buddy Hield.

Hield is among the best shooters in the game today. Not bad for the oldest player in the league, probably.

51. Tobias Harris

In the endless multiverses that contain any and all possible outcomes of every situation, there exists not one single reality in which I put Tobias Harris in the Top 50 of anything.

It should probably be mentioned that most of the struggles that Tobias Harris faced in Philadelphia is the total lack of pick n rolls as the 76ers ranked last in the NBA in pick n roll actions which is a problem for Tobias who gets most of his buckets maneuvering around screens.

With Jimmy Butler gone and Tobias signing that 5-year/$180 million deal, Melo lite better learn where to stand while Ben Simmons is refusing to shoot 3’s because they need him to be a Top 50 player and as of right now, he very much is not.

50. Draymond Green

Draymond Green just looks like his breath smells, right? Like, I get the vibe that he doesn’t shower after games (or before them) and then goes out after smelling like an ass just shouting in girls ears about how much of a bitch various NBA big men are with alcohol breath spilling out of his nostrils.

49. Eric Bledsoe

48. Lou Williams

Lou William is the reason why the Clippers are going to win the Chip this season. Last season’s pick n roll magic between Willaims and Harrell almost got Golden State the fuck out of here in the first round.His ability to get hot and score buckets in bunches off the bench will be the perfect spell to Paul George and Kawhi’s dominance as starters.

47. Gary Harris

Hary Harris signed a 4-year $88 million extension last season and played like a guy you would never give a 4-year $88 million extension to. He suffered hip and hamstring injuries that caused him to miss 25 games and limp through the rest.

Much like Jaylen Brown, we are waiting for these defensive perimeter players who we know can shoot the ball to turn into Paul George/Kawhi Leonard types and they’re just not yet.

46. Danilo Gallinari

Offensively, there is nothing Danilo Gallinari can’t do when he gets the ball at the top of the key. How blessed OKC is to have he and CP3 in the building. Two basketball savants. This is me becoming a Thunder fan in real time.

Galo shot 44% from the 3-point line last season which was 5th in the NBA. Not only can he stretch the floor but his shooting efficiency is among the best in the league. Wow, Sam Presti won the Paul George trade??

45. Bojan Bogdanovic

Pst-All-Star with Victor Oladipo icing his knee, Bojan led the Pacers with 20.9 points per game ad 42.2 3-point shooting and 5 free throw attempts a night. He essentially carried Indiana to 48 wins last season.

I will never forget Bojan locking down LeBron in the playoffs two seasons ago. Everyone is deepthroating Utah because they acquired Mike Conley or whatever but the real steal of the offseason was the signing of Bojan to play alongside Joe Ingles, the two most annoying defenders in the league. Someone is going to punch them and by someone I mean Marcus Morris.

44. Jayson Tatum

jayson tatum

I have no idea why I put Jayson Tatum so high on this list. He’s one awful season away from being at the bottom hanging out with Andrew Wiggins. He shot 43% from 3 in his rookie season and it seemed like he never missed a basket.

Last season, however, he missed. Often. But he appears to finally be able to grow a full beard so perhaps he ha some new tricks up his sleeve.

43. D’Angelo Russell

d'angelo russell

D’Angelo Russell suddenly taking the leap to become an All-Star and lead the Brooklyn Nets to the playoffs might’ve been the biggest fool’s gold in the NBA buuuut with Durant gone and Klay’s ACL gone, Golden State has nothing to lose bringing Russell in to chuck up long distance shots with Steph.

Russell had more shot attempts than Russell Westbrook and Kyrie Irving last season. I have no idea if that’s a good thing or not. He fires up shots as if he’s a star and maybe that’s all Golden State needs as they move to San Francisco and won’t compete for titles anymore.

42. Kristaps Porzingis

dallas mavericks

Dallas continues to pump out propganda regarding how healthy Kristaps is and how close he and Luka are but I don’t buy it. I’ve seen too much.

It’s like when you see your shitty ex posting IG pics with their new bae.

You were trash with ME but sunddenlyyy you figured out how awful you are and now you’re in a healthy and happy relationship? Yea right. One of you is for sure beating the other while the other is cheating every night.

41. Kevin Love

Free Kevin Love from Cleveland please.

#FreeKevinLove #FreeKevinLove #FreeKevinLove

40. Victor Oladipo

The last of the damaged players who missed most of the 2018-19 season and Oladipo is still out til around January with a quad injury which sucks because he was emerging as a Top 20 player in the league and now he has to focus so much on getting his legs back, we may never see peak Oladipo again.

39. Paul Millsap

Paul Millsap is reallyyy high on this list considering I have absolutely nothing to say about him.


38. Steven Adams

Steven Adams was the secret vessel guiding Russell Westbrooks insanity last season as he was second in the league in screen assists per game and most importantly, was able to box out and allow Westbrook to come flying in for dumb triple-doubles.

37. Marc Gasol

Marc Gasol was once one of my favorite players back in the grit n grind era. Long live Zach Randolph aka The Plug. Fast forward to 2019 and my man finally won an NBA title and was just the MVP of the FIBA World Cup. A king. El Rey. Pau could never.

Gasol is the only reason Toronto Raptors fans should believe they have any chance at competing in the East. He is a Joel Embiid stopper and can also switch out onto the perimeter to defend Tobias Harris. He’s also a far better passer than Kyle Lowry but everyone is better than Kyle Lowry.

36. Myles Turner

Myles Turner still appears somewhat lost on the offensive side of the ball but he gets this high rating because defensively, ye’s somehow transformed into the American Gobert. Turner led the league in block rate and was the anchor of Indiana’s Top 10 defense.

35. Nikola Vucevic

Nikola Vucevic was an All-Star last year. *send tweet*

34. Jamal Murray

Jamal Murray just signed a 5-year $169 million extension which is interesting when you see that he and Nikola Jokic lost in the minutes they played together and had the 60th ranked offense. Some would say that you’d prefer your two best players like, ya know, played well together.

33. Andre Drummond

Andre Drummond’s No. 1 skill is his ability to secure offensive rebounds which is ideal when you’re starting point guard is Derrick Rose out there chucking up pull-up 3’s that I’ve never seen him make. This might his best season yet.

My favorite stat that negates my previous statement that this might be his best season yeti s that Andre Drummond led all centers in getting his shit blocked. Joel Ebiid and Marc Gasol are going to bully this man.

32. De’Aaron Fox

De’Aaron Fox was literally the most improved player in the NBA last season as all of his stats increased in 2018-19 but let’s all talk about Pascal Siakam and blah blah.

Fox’s 3-point shooting percentage jumped from 31% to 37% so needless to say he’ll be shooting 43% and making Steph Curry look like Renaldo Balkman out there.

31. Devin Booker

Devin Booker is the ultimate ‘tree falling in the wood’ player of the NBA as he can easily drop 30 points on any given night and no one gives a single little shit because the Suns lost by 50 at home.

Last season, Booker averaged career highs with 26.6 points and 6.8 assists. Not sure it’s totally fair to put the Suns failure on this 22 year old kid especially when there are goats crapping all over the team’s offices.

30. DeMar DeRozan

I’ve spent a lot of my time clowning DeRozan but at this point, I’m all in on him. I truly respect his dedication to complicated midrange jumpers that he’s only made 41% of in his career.

As someone who consistently does stupid problematic nonsense every week knowing damn well how dumb they, DeMar Derozan is essentially the NBA version of me.

29. Pascal Siakam

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28. Khris Middleton

Last season, Khris Middleton made his first All-Star team. He made a career-high 179 3’s on 38% shooting. He is the perfect partner for Giannis who simply cannot make 3’s and certinaly not anywhere near at the clip of Middleton.

Paul George, Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving were the only other players in the league to average 18 points, 4 assists and one steal with the amount of made 3’s as Khris Middleton so I don’t want to hear that he’s only an All-Star because he plays in the Eastern Conference. Shut up.

27. Chris Paul

chris paul

Chris Paul had awful shooting numbers last season but he was third in points created by assists so he’s not completely washed yet. The James Harden experiment simply did not work.

CP3 ranked second in unassisted 3-pointers. Second behind, yes, James Harden. What a terrible offense to put one of the most dynamic point guards ever.

Don’t sleep on the Thunder this season. Or do. It doesn’t matter. He’ll probably be traded at the deadline.

26. Donovan Mitchell

Donovan Mitchell’s biggest offensive flaw is that he takes way too many shots. High percentage or low percentage shots. It doesn’t matter. He just takes way too many.

Mitchell was 5th in the NBA last season in total drives to the basket. Do that. You don’t have to come off a screen and pull-up for a bad jumper. Go. To. The. Basket.

I don’t believe that the addition of Conley with suddenly transform Mitchell into an MVP candidate but there is without a doubt better leadership on the court than young Rubio.

And I’ve praised Bogdanovic already but that’s another playmaker on the court to make life easier for Mitchell.

25. Mike Conley

Mike Conley is BACK…on television…now that he’s no longer playing in that other city in Tennesee. Conley had a positive net rating in Memphis last season. Memphis as a whole, not so much.

Conley had a career high 21.1 points per game and his second highest true shooting percentage. Utah is going to be overrated all season long but regardless of the hype, Conley is literally worth all of it.

24. Jrue Holiday

I’m going to be ahead of talking about how great Jrue Holiday is because this Pelicans team has so many moving parts that it’s impossible for Jrue’s counting stats to catch anyone’s eye this season.

THAT BEING SAID, he’s a 6-foot-4 brickwall on defense and plays his best basketball when there’s a real point guard on the floor handling the offensive burden. Lonzo runs the offense and Jrue puts Damian Lillard in the torture chamber.

23. Luka Doncic

I’m conflicted here. I want to wax poetic on how great Luka is but every NBA preview jerks off Doncic already. If you want Doncic praise then I’m sure it wont be hard for you to find elsewhere. He’s also tag teaming with my ex, Kristaps sooo actually, Luka sucks.

22. CJ McCollum

I’ll be brief here because CJ is a cop and fuck the police but CJ is averaging 24.8 points in Portland’s last two playoff runs on almost 40% 3-point shooting.

If I’m going to mock Paul George calling himself ‘Playoff P’ before getting shackled by Joe Ingles and bounced by corny ass Donovan Mitchell in the first round, I have to give CJ credit for silently matching all of Damian’s clutch shooting.

21. Kemba Walker

kemba walker

Soooo, I’ve talked a lot of shit about the Celtics and Brad Stevens and they’ve deserved all of it. But the secret to Boston’s success is going to be Kemba Walker which I feel strange writing about after watching the FIBA World Cup and seeing Kemba shrink.

Kemba Walker excels in pick and rolls which is a skill that was basically hidden last season as he had to take over possessions in Charlotte and act like a one man army. The only player who took more contested jumpers and more threes after taking seven or more dribbles than James Harden. You never want your usage numbers to be anywhere near Harden’s.

Back his ability to perform in the pick n roll is key for a Brad Stevens offense as we saw his pick n roll heavy playbook turn Isaiah Thomas into an MVP candidate while Kyrie, who ran his own isos outside of screens, led the team nowhere.

20. Kyrie Irving

Speaking of Kyrie leading a team nowhere, welcome to Brooklyn. I’ve written enough about Kyrie in the past year. He’s No. 20. You get it. He dribbles well. Etc. Next.

19. Rudy Gobert

I genuinely hate the automatic announcement of Rudy Gobert’s defensive player of the year trophy because he leads the league in blocks and the moment the season ends, Gobert is relegated to the bench because small ball renders him completely unplayable.

But Gobert just set Team USA packing in the FIBA World Cup so I don’t know what to make of Gobert. He’s really good on defense but he also cried because he wasn’t an All-Star. I think I hate the Jazz(??)

18. Brad Beal

The Wizards have no idea what they’re doing yet Brad Beal has still emerged and stepped over the dead bodies of Otto Porter and John Wall. Beal averaged 25.6 points with 5 rebounds and 5.5 assists.

His best teammate is now David Bertrans?? Mo Wagner? Brad Beal should just go full Harden and take every shot.

17. LaMarcus Aldridge

I thought it would be funny to look for like, a 20 minute long highlight reel of LaMarcus Aldridge slow methodical boring ass post moves but the joke was on me because why in the world did I think that video compilation existed. For once, the Internet did the right thing.

16. Al Horford

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15. Ben Simmons

MVP incoming.

14. Blake Griffin

I have not been shy about my bias towards Blake Griffin. Ever since LA gave him the Max and then immediately shipped him off to die in Detroit, I’ve been a stan.

Here’s a cute stat: Blake Griffin made more pull-up 3-point jumpers last season than Kyrie Irving, JJ Redick and LeBron James. My man was ALL-NBA.

Outside of health, which at this point goes without saying in regards to Blake, the only thing that can stop Griffin from leading Detroit to home court in the playoffs is the addition of Derrick Rose, who will without a doubt tank the Pistons.

13. LeBron James

lebron james jewish money

You want to be a Top 10 player in the NBA? Make the playoffs, my guy. Yes, he averaged 27, 8 ad 8 last season before his groin bursted at the seams and it became Kuzma Time in LA.

You want to be a Top 10 player in the NBA? Don’t say weird pro-China communist proclamations at press conferences, you weirdo.

But most importantly, if you want to be a Top 10 player in the NBA: don’t play alongside Dwight Howard.

12. Russell Westbrook

russell westbrook

The only player in NBA HISTORY who has a usage rate anywhere near Russell Westbrook’s is his new teammate, James Harden.

Good luck averaging a triple-double for the fourth consecutive season when you end every game with zero assists because you pass the ball to James Harden and instead of instantly shooting like you trained the guys in OKC to do, he dribbles for 20 seconds and takes a one-legged jumped for no reason.

11. Karl-Anthony Towns

KAT might be the best shooting big men we’ve ever seen while also never actually being seen because he plays in Minnesota and they STINK. Towns averaged 24.4 ppg, 12.4 rebounds and 3.4 assists while shooting 52% from the field and 40% from behind the arc.

Offensively, there is nothing he cannot do and the only thing that separates him from Anthony Davis and Joel Embiid is how much he shrinks on the defensive side of the ball which can obviously be improved.

10. Jimmy Butler

jimmy butler

If I don’t put Jimmy Butler in the Top 10, he’s going to drive to my house and beat my ass one-on-one in my driveway and I don’t want that smoke. All of Butler’s numbers dropped last season which some might say means he doesn’t deserve to be in the Top 10 anymore but I’d beg to differ.

If anything, his numbers dropping and Butler not complaining about it at all proves that he’s out here walking it like he talks it. He claimed to be all about winning and he sacrificed his numbers to win. Didn’t even have to run with the third stringers to do so.

But what really made Butler stand out last season is the postseason. His usage rate went through the roof and he became the point guard that the Sixers front office refuses to actually sign.

9. Nikola Jokic

The waves appears to be claiming that Jokc is the best center in the NBA and a Top 5 player. Nah. The hot take of saying that Jokic is underrated has suddenly made this man wildly overrated.

I know I just shit on him but here comes a cute little fact: Only Wilt Chamberlain and Oscar Robertson have had simular statistical seasons to Jokic’s 20.1 points, 10.8 rebounds and 7.3 assists per game on 58.9 true shooting percentage.

I don’t know what to believe. Jokic MVP? Sure. He just looks so congested all the time.

8. Paul George

paul george

Pau George proved last season that the ‘sidekick’ can still somehow be the best all-around player on the team as he finished 3rd in MVP voting while simultaneously bending the knee to Russell Westbrook tyranny.

I just love the idea that Kawhi left a meeting with the Lakers this summer and then snuck across the street to like, the local Waffle House, to give Paul George the intel before George went to the thunder and demanded a trade a few hours later.

I’m all for employees fucking over their bosses especially when it seems extremely Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap-esque. Trick rich people.

And damn it, I still want the setlist from the party that Westbrook threw for Paul George when he re-signed in Oklahoma City. What the hell did Nas perform? What is in Nas’s discography that makes a party lit? WAS IT ONE MIC OR OOCHIE WALLY?!!

7. Damian Lillard

That .gif is everything. No further words.

6. Steph Curry

steph curry

This is the one ranking I know I’m going to regret on this list. Steph Curry’s about to average like, 40 points a night and won’t even have to play 4th quarters because he scored the 40 points in the first half.

With Kevin Durant and Klay Thompson gone this season, the scoring load will be almost entirely on Curry’s shoulders. D’Angelo Russell is there too or whatever but I get the feeling their minutes will be staggered and they often won’t be on the court at the same time.

5. Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis shutting himself down after New Orleans refused to trade him was some real sucker shit. I get NFL players holding out because every single collision on the football field is like a car crash. Your career could be ended at any moment. Anthony Davis didn’t play because he like, didn’t want to twist an ankle which would not have affected his trade value in any way.

But if Rich Paul tells you to jump off a bridge, you’re only logical reponse is ‘how high?’

4. Joel Embiid

Joel Embiid is better than Anthony Davis and this one stat proves it: The Sixers outscored the Toronto Raptors in the Conference Finals by 90 points in 237 minutes with Embiid on the floor. Subsequently, the 99 minutes where Embiid wasn’t on the floor, the Sixers lost by 109. That’s fucking insane. His presence singlehandedly swung an entire Conference Finals.

Joel Embiid is the most dominant big man in the NBA since Shaquille O’Neal. all he has to do is stop chucking up 3-pointers for no reason and he will truly reach his final form. Sixers in 4.

3. James Harden

james harden

James Harden might be the most fascinating player in the NBA as there is no one on Earth who plays basketball in the style that he does.

Pounding the ball at the top of the key. Slowly draining the shotclock as the defender guarding him is left on an island where he is moments away from either getting crossed up and touching the ground like he’s playing Twister or having Harden step back to hit an unblockable shot in his face.

Harden had more threes off the dribble than the next two shooters COMBINED. He scored 45% of the Rockets points last season.

He was putting up stats and records that put him in the same sentence as Wilt Chamberlain, a man that we’re only 50% sure ever really existed. You might as well compare Harden to Paul Bunyan at this point.

The only reason why he’s not No. 1 on this list is because the two players ahead of him walked away with the two MVP trophies that he did not.

2. Giannis Antentoukoumpo

milwaukee bucks

Giannis is 6-foot-11 and has complete control of the basketball court. I didn’t wrte anything about Ben Simmons because this article is already long as hell and no one really reads the words on lists like these but I’ll my share thoughts on Ben, Zion and now Giannis: not every player needs to shoot 3-pointers. Shut up.

Giannis led the league in field goal percentage at the rim. Why would you tell someone who can get to the rim from half court on one dribble to stop taking easy duks at the hoop and instead step back for a low percentage jumper?

These players don’t need to chuck up 3’s when they can get to the rim at will. Giannis was top 5 in free throw attmpts. Those are far easier buckets than 3’s are. Again, shut up about taking 3’s.

1. Kawhi Leonard

kawhi leonard

Kawhi just had one of the greatest plpayoff runs in NBA history and followed that up with one of the biggest free agency moves ever after he snatched Paul George from OKC to join him in LA in the middle of the night.

Kawhi averaged a career high with 26.6 points per game and 60.6 true shooting. I the playoffs, he jumped up that scoring to 30.5 points and carried the entire country on Toronto on his back.

He is the best basketball player on the planet. There is no spot on the floor he can’t make a jumper fro. There is no one he can’t defend. There is no moment too big for him to succeed and there is a closet full of Finals MVP trophies growing by the year. Kawhi2020

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