THE NFL SEASON IS HERE MOTHERFUCKERSSSS. That was aggressive. Especially since I already know that I’m going to turn on the Red Zone channel at 1 o’clock and be asleep by 1:30 but for the time being, I’m hyped or whatever.
NFL week 1 should be a holiday. I mean, most people don’t work today anyway but yea I feel like I was making some grand point but I’ve really lost steam from that opening caps lock shouting. Whatever.
Here are your NFL Week 1 previews, predictions and other garbage:
New York Jets @ Buffalo Bills -7.5
Don’t believe what the experts are saying. Jets heading into Buffalo is the game of the week and no one can tell me otherwise. Two teams who are busting their asses to lose every single game this year as they cut and trade all potential talent. We are about to witness madness.
Don’t be shocked if punters stay on the sidelines during this game. Buffalo and New York might go for every 4th down conversation hoping to lose field position and ultimately lose the game. The Josh McCown era is going to be a real bummer and I cannot wait.
Jets +7.5: This game will probably end in a 0-0 tie.
Atlanta Falcons -6.5 @ Chicago Bears
The Atlanta Falcons blew a 28-3 in the Super Bowl. People forget that. After having one of the best offenses in NFL history last season, the Falcons lost their offensive coordinator, Kyle Shanahan, to the San Francisco 49ers so it’s time to see if Matt Ryan can really ball. Spoiler: He cannot.
I’m all in on the Chicago Bears quarterbacks this year exclusively because Mark Sanchez is looming in the shadows holding all of the clipboards on the sidelines. Might purchase NFL Direct TV just so that I watch Sanchez clutching a clipboard as hard as he can.
Atlanta Falcons -6.5: The Falcons will not be as good as they were last year. However, everyone will think they’re as good as last year after they blow the doors off of the Bears.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans -5.5
JJ Watt is BACK and he’s making money hand over fist for ‘Hurricane Harvey’ aka his pockets, probably. Seriously, people are donating so much money to him, there’s no way he can properly allocate all of those funds to crisis relief. I mean, my man’s got practice and film room and you know, a career to handle. Not sure he really has the time or resources to save the fucking world right now.
But the reason I bring up Watt isn’t just to point out that he’s robbing a city but it’s to point out that he and Jadeveon Clowney are going to DEVOUR Blake Bortles’ lunch. Whitney Merlicus and Brian Cushing are going to 3D Bortles through a table like The Dudley Boyz. #RIPBortles.
Houston Texans -5.5: Blake Bortles is dead, Clowney and Watt murdered him.
Philadelphia Eagles -1 @ Washinton Redskins
We’ve got ourselves the first toss up game of the season which makes zero sense. If I know Kirk Cousins like I think I know Kirk Cousins, the Redskins are going to be losing today. Facts. Quarterbacks don’t suddenly improve after losing DeSean Jackson as a target.
I actually hate how confident I just wrote that as if Carson Wentz isn’t sitting on his mom’s lap right now getting breast fed before the big game. Typical pregame ritual for Wentz. Can both teams walk away with a loss, please?
Philadelphia Eagles -1: In all honesty, I truly believe the Eagles defensive line is going to obliterate Kirk Cousins.
Arizona Cardinals -2.5 @ Detroit Lions
Matthew Stafford is the highest paid player in the NFL. I have to walk away from my computer for a second after writing that. I don’t think I can watch Detroit Lions games this season knowing that win or lose, Stafford is swan diving into a pool of cash money every single night.
Bruce Arians used to drink paint as a kid to help him play football better. That’s a fact. Arians is a man who has dedicated his life to the pigskin. You think the Cardinals are losing Week 1? Laugh out loud.
Arizona Cardinals -2.5: Arians. Drank. Paint. Don’t you get it?
Oakland Raiders @ Tennesee Titans -3
Everyone is blowing the Titans. It’s their year. Marcus Mariota. Blah blah. DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry splitting carries will for sure give teams fits but I don’t think the Oakland Raiders are one of those teams.
Remember when Mariota came out of Oregon and ‘experts’ thought he wouldn’t make it in the NFL because he was a ‘system’ quarterback who didn’t know how to receive a snap from behind center and now these same ‘experts’ are saying he’s the next great quarterback? Damn, can’t figure out why ESPN is losing so much money.
Oakland Raiders +3: Reason? Because they’re the RaaAAAAiiiiIiiiDaaAAhhhzzz.
Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals -3
Confession Sunday: I think Joe Flacco is elite. I may or may not have lost all credibility but I kind of have to look at you sideways if you’re reading this because of my ‘credibility’. I write jokes all day long. What do I reaaaally know about the Baltimore Ravens offense?
But in all seriousness, the Ravens are back this year. I really think this team rallied around their mutual dislike of Colin Kaepernick when rumors floated around that they’d sign him to play behind Flacco with his current back injury.
Baltimore Ravens +3: I have to get my incredibly stupid Baltimore Ravens pick out of the way early.
Pittsburgh Steelers -9 @ Cleveland Browns
The Pittsburgh Steelers are about to have the best offense in the NFL and I don’t think the second best team will come close. LeVeon Bell, Antonio Bryant and Martavis Bryant should not all be allowed to play on one roster. Shenanigans.
Buuut, I also think the Cleveland Browns are going to be way better than people assume. They have athletes at every single position defensively. There isn’t a dud or hole anywhere. Sure, they’re all young and will make mistakes but they’ll also be able to hang around with any team.
Cleveland Browns +9: Are the Browns going to win? Of course not. Will they make it close? My bank account is begging for a yes to that question.
Indianapolis Colts @ Los Angeles Rams -3.5
The first 4 o’clock game of the year and it is well worth the wait for this Super bowl preview. Scott Tolzien vs. Jared Goff. Battle of the Bastards II. Two men enter, two men leave. No one bats an eye. There may or may have been a football game played. Who’s to say?
Scott Tolzien has never kissed a girl. Scott Tolzien cuts his own hair. Scott Tolzien pees sitting down. Scott Tolzien is afraid of the dark. Scott Tolzien is a mouth breather. Scott Tolzien loves jazz. Scott Tolzien is about to lead the Indianapolis Colts to a 16-0 season. Pack your bags, Andrew Luck.
Indianapolis Colts +3.5: But seriously, I don’t think Jared Goff understands NFL football which is scary for a starting quarterback that the Rams traded up to draft. Like, he straight up cannot comprehend what’s happening on the field.
Seattle Seahawks @ Green Bay Packers -3
Your annual NFL Championship game right here. The best offense in the NFC vs. possibly the best defense in the entire NFL. Anything can happen. JK, this game won’t be that great because both coaches will be saving their best looks for their inevitable playoff game so this is going to end up being a very conservative matchup. Lame.
Russell Wilson is married with a baby and Aaron Rodgers is newly single with a perfect mustache. You already know I’m riding with Rodgers to the grave and by ‘to the grave’ I mean to his next boring relationship.
Green Bay Packers -3: Again, the Seahawks defense is filthy but I don’t think they’re going to be throwing the kitchen sink at Green Bay. Not yet.
Carolina Panthers -5 @ San Francisco 49ers
You hear that sound?!?! Yup, you guessed it. That’s the upset alert going off. Acutally now that it’s on my brain, I want to quickly say that if you cover your eyes when you hear a police or ambulence siren, you’re a little bitch. It’s loud outisde. Sorry. That’s just how Earth is sometimes. Adjust.
Cam Newton isn’t 1000% healthy yet and the Carolina Panthers are creating a brand new playbook for Christian McCaffrey. I don’t think that’s something that gets solved week 1. Plus, Kyle Shanahan is the truth. Don’t be shocked if he transforms Brian Hoyer into Matt Ryan.
San Francisco 49ers +5: Superman has found his kryptonite. Injuries, man.
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys -4
There is something extremely infuriating about Odell Beckham probably missing this game with an ankle injury while Ezekiel Elliot gets to play after initially being suspended. Beckham gets killed for having fun and being emotional on the field but he’s never actually hurt anyone and seems like a genuinely nice young (gay) man. Elliot KOed a DJ. Pulled a random chicks tit out at a St. Patrick’s day parade, oh, and beat he girlfriend’s face into a puddle. Wonderful.
New York Giants +4: Dak Prescott is a little baby boy when he sees those Big Blue jerseys. Also Ezekiel Elliot beats women so.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee throughout game day to congratulate me on my amazing picks. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.