The NFL preseason has begun which means it’s time to wildly speculate who will win the Super Bowl before any of these teams play Week 1, as is tradition.
Here are your Deadseriousness NFL preseason power rankings:
32. Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengal without a doubt have the worst roster in the NFL and with AJ Green suffering an injury in training camp and the front office putting together the worst offensive line of all time, Andy Dalton is dead as hell.
31. Washington Redskins. Let’s all enjoy what will be a hilariously embarrassing Jay Gruden farewell tour.
30. Arizona Cardinals. Drafting Kyler Murray No. 1 will either go down as the biggest reach in NFL history or the smart gamble of all time. Murray is either the next Michael Vick or Tim Tebow. All I know is that Kliff Kingsbury is wildly unqualified to be an NFL head coach but here we are.
29. Miami Dolphins. The Miami Dolphins came into this season intentionally tanking for Tua out of Alabama but it’s impossible to label them as the worst team in football when Ryan Fitzpatrick is slinging the ball for 500 yards, 6 touchdowns and 6 interceptions every week.
28. Oakland Raiders. There’s only been one episode of Hard Knocks. Need more data.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Bruce Arians came out of retirement specifically to coach Jameis Winston sooo, he’ll be forced back into retirement by Week 16 next season
26. Tennesee Titans. Man, that 2015 NFL Draft class STINKS. Jameis Winston is a walking turnover and Marcus Mariota is always in a walking boot. What team has ever brought to capable starting QBs on their roster and had any success? Ryan Tannehill might cut Mariota’s breaks on the way to the fourth preseason game.
25. Detroit Lions. No one:
Me (after one bud light) SO HERE’S THE THING ABOUT MATTY STAFFORD.
24. Denver Broncos. Drew Lock had one preseason game and looked worse at throwing the ball than Lamar Jackson does which means it’s going to be even more hilarious when Joe Flacco is benched for him.
23. New York Jets. Adam Gase is the worst head coach to sign with a new team and have the power to remove the GM that hired him. I don’t care how good Darnold plays, the Jets have a big problem and it’s that they’re the Jets.
22. Jacksonville Jaguars. It’s insane that the Jags signed Nick Foles to a 4-year deal totally ignoring every time Foles entered the regular season as QB1 and failed with a bullet. He’s bad at football. I promise you he’s bad.
21. New York Giants. Wow, so weird that I conveniently placed my favorite team directly in front of their in-city rival and in front of Tom Coughlin’s new team. What a wild coincidence.
20. Seattle Seahawks. Are Russell Wilson and Bobby Wagner still on the roster? Yes? So the Seahawks are automatically in playoff contention again.
19. Minnesota Vikings. I don’t necessarily believe in ‘clutch’ but I do believe Kirk Cousins is a bitch when the game is one the line and the pressure is on.
18. San Francisco 49ers. Somewhere in the world, Nick Bosa is chanting ‘SEND HER BACK’ outside of a random San Francisco Muslim lady’s apartment.
17. Atlanta Falcons. Every season when I do these power rankings, I choose one time every year that I simply refuse to care about. Last season it was the Bengals but the Bengals are so atrocious this year that they have my full attention. The Falcons are very blah. Pay Julio Jones. Or don’t. Yawn. WHO CARES??
16. Pittsburgh Steelers. Antonio Brown, gone. Le’Veon Bell, gone. Ben Roethlisberger, still a rapist. The Ravens and Browns are going to devour the Steelers this year. (The Bengals will not).
15. Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys have an extremely talented young defense that deserves more credit than they receive but as long as Ezekiel Elliot holds out, it won’t matter how good the defense is because the offense won’t be getting many first downs.
14. Carolina Panthers. Cam Newton is entering 2019 with a brand new throwing motion sooo that’ll last about one play before Cam Jordan is chasing after him in the backfield and he goes back to launching it until he arm falls off.
13. Chicago Bears. No team in NFL history has ever been the No. 1 ranked defense in back-to-back seasons. It’s highly likely that the Bears are the 2018 Jacksonville Jaguars that almost beat the Patriots to make the Super Bowl and the following season their defense fell off a cliff. Trubisky has a lot of Blake Bortles in him.
12. New England Patriots. They’re a good team or whatever. Next.
11. Cleveland Browns. The New York Giants really handed Cleveland Odell Beckham for Jabrill Peppers, a random offensive lineman and Dexter Lawrence and then they threw in their sack leader, Olivier Vernon, in the deal to sweeten it. If the Browns win the Super Bowl, I’m counting that as another one for the Giants.
10. Baltimore Ravens
Lamar Jackson was 6-1 as a starter last season in an offense that was designed to succeed in 1968 and the Baltimore Ravens doubled down by signing Mark Ingram, a between the tackles running back that lowers his head into defenders.
The Ravens are going to run the ball 100% of the time and their games are going to be 1 hour and 15 minutes long with a constant running clock.
It miiight be a problem that they lost Terrell Suggs, CJ Mosely and Za’Darius Smith but signing Earl Thomas is a huge deal.
9. Houston Texans
The Houston Texans should be penciled into the Super Bowl. The problem is, they gave up 62 sacks last season and did are attempting to fix that issue by throwing two rookies onto the offensive line. Deshaun Watson is going to get murdered.
It’s still insane that Watson had to take a 12-hour bus ride across the country to a game because his internal injuries were so bad that he couldn’t handle the air pressure of a flight.
8. Green Bay Packers
The Packers would be higher up this list but I know that there’s a 0% chance that Aaron Rodgers even knows his new head coach’s name and a 0% chance that he intends to.
All of his press conferences are used to complain about something he doesn’t like and it turns out, Rodgers doesn’t like anything. This year is going to consist of alotttt of complaining.
Or Rodgers can go on a revenge tour knowing that everyone has slotted Tom Brady, Drew Brees and now Patrick Mahomes ahead of him.
7. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles seem to win free agency every single year and this year it happened again. They acquired Jordan Howard, DeSean Jackson and Malik Jackson.
It’ll be said to death but let’s see if Carson Wentz can play 16 games. Nick Foles isn’t walking out of that locker room anymore. It’s Cody Kessler. Actually, it would be hilarious if Wentz got hurt again and Kessler won the Super Bowl.
The Eagles have invented the NFL QB Closer. Eric Gagne back.
6. San Diego Chargers
My favorite annual preseason story is everyone attempting to be ‘different’ as they all predict the Chargers to make it to the Super Bowl. As I write this I bet Colin Cowherd is talking to himself about it in his insanely oversized empty warehouse radio studio as his female ‘co-host’ isn’t allowed to add her thoughts or opinions.
Melvin Gordon holding out isn’t greaaaat news but we’ll know how valuable Gordon is when we see their running game (or lack thereof) without him and suddenly offer him the bag.
Don’t love any team entering the season with that level of uncertainty.
5. Indianapolis Colts
Andrew Luck is ALREADY limping, man. This sucks. He might be the most objectively talented quarterback when you combine his physicality, his arm strength/accuracy and his brain (even though he frequently throws the ball directly into the chest of the opposing safety).
I’m just here for more clips of Quentin Nelson pancaking defenders like Bradshaw hitting the Clothesline From Hell.
4. Kansas City Chiefs
Will Patrick Mahomes throw 50 touchdowns again this season? No, probably not. 49 is very much in reach though. There is no reason to believe that he’ll suddenly fall off a cliff excluding some nagging injury.
Defensively, they were nonexistent so losing Dee Ford and Justin Houston isn’t ideal but Frank Clark is a great acquisition. In 2019, it’s all about putting opposing quarterbacks under pressure and very few guys do that better than Frank Clark.
3. New Orleans Saints
The only thing stopping the Saints from making the Super Bowl this season is the team of officials deadset on making sure they all have their backs turned on the most blatant and egregious pass interference call in NFL history. Other than that small thing, it’s a done deal.
Love that Tom Brady gets all this credit for being an older quarterback but Drew Brees is 65 years old and is still leading the league in completion percentage and passer rating every year.
Let’s see how they play with Alvin Kamara getting more carries after Mark Ingram moved to Baltimore and let’s see how they replace future Hall of Fame center, Max Unger.
2. Los Angeles Rams
Last season, the Rams were No. 1 on these power rankings and didn’t drop at any point which makes sense considering they walked to the Super Bowl andddd now Todd Gurley can’t walk at all because he has arthritis in his knees. Wonderful.
Sean McVay will still send Gurley out there in a wheelchair and defenders will continue to bite on the same play-action 3 times in a row. Linebackers are dumb.
The Rams still have the best player in the NFL. There is no reason to believe they’re going to take a step back. Jared Goff will improve and Aaron Donald will keep eating quarterbacks.
1. Buffalo Bills
The Bills were 6-10 last season which will for sure propel them to a 16-0 season in 2019. Naturally. That goes without saying. I apologize for wasting your time with that sentence.
Deadseriousness is a Josh Allen Geocities fan page as he is the best running back in the NFL who occasionally throws the ball to literally anyone who will catch it regardless of what team they play for. Every time he runs a play, the outcome is a completely random roll of the dice.
Plus, he’s adding Cole Beasley and John Brown to the receiving core along with bringing back LeSean McCoy. They drafted the next Aaron Donald in Ed Oliver out of Houston.
Bills in 4.
- Never Stop Pressing Candace Owens
- We Did It, We Bullied Howard Schultz Out of Running For President
- How Bad Does Eli Manning Have To Be For The Giants To Get Him Off The Fucking Field?
- Sign Brett Gardner To 1-Year Deals Forever
- Sam Darnold Catching Mono Proves He Can’t Be a Franchise Quarterback