I’ve never been afraid to comment on the battles taking place out there. I understand that people turn to the king for leadership, and I provide it in spades. But there is one wave that I have completely hidden from just to avoid the public shaming. After sitting idly and allowing these fires to spread, I’m finally ready to lead the people.
Crossfit is body building for nerds. Crossfit is for dweebs who aren’t actually coordinated enough to play real sports but they can dangle from monkey bars. According to Crossfit.com, crossfit is defined as “constantly varied functional movements executed at high intensity across broad modal and time domains.” That’s a cool way of saying “doing weird shit with large truck tires.”
Crossfit is a cult that attracts skinny geeks who are too intimidated to go to a gym and lift weights like a normal human. It sucks in white-collar fools and surrounds them with other white-collar fools, and together they climb ropes and toss barbells across an empty gym floor.
What the FUCK is this?
SoulCycle is a spin class, except instead of listening to that dope work out playlist you made, you listen to a woman spiritually heal you. I mean, SoulCycle doesn’t even try to pretend like it’s not a cult. It’s often in a dark, candlelit room full of other lost souls. It’s an athletic seance.
SoulCycle is church without a bible, but I’m sure the SoulCycle messiah will come to save us and write a book of her teachings. Soulcycle is a cult full of chicks who want to stay in shape as well as be hypnotized and transformed into positive thinking drones.
Remember when people had their own personalities and unique opinions? Now they just sell their soul to an athletic program and switch to having the same diet as a rabbit. Sounds super fun and all, but I think I’ll stick to going to the gym once a month and avoid spending time with people who think it’s fun to hit a tire with a giant mallet or ride a stationary bike for an hour.
Somebody once told me that they’ve cried after a SoulCycle because it was such an emotional release. Fuck. That. I cry when Dumbo gets reunited with his mother, and that’s the ONLY time I cry. Get out of here with that nonsense. I need all crossfit nerds stuffed in their lockers ASAP. Avoid these cults at all costs. Save yourselves. Find shelter.
Edited by Morgan Mandriota.
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