Netflix ended the year by dropping one of the many horror movies that have come out recently in which the heroes must survive by removing one of their senses. From Jim from the Office and Mary Poppins whispering to avoid monsters that hunt based on sound to a deaf woman that has to run from a murderer or now in Bird Box where just the sight of this monster makes you kill yourself.
Can’t wait until Chief Gordon Ramsey finally gets to make his dream project where contestants cook for him and if it tastes like shit, he gets to publicly execute them on live television.
Sandra Bullock plays a soon-to-be single mother who happens to be days away from giving birth before ya know, the end of the world, as monsters manifest themselves and force people to kill themselves just from the sight of them.
We never truly learn their motives or why they want humanity to destroy themselves. We don’t even see the monsters and let me just say to all future monster movies: show the fucking monster.
If you are building up to a big reveal for two hours and that reveal never comes, guess how I feel about that movies ending. *makes fart noise*. That’s how I feel.
But enough about the quality of this film, or lack thereof. Enough about the wonderful plot holes like the ‘rapids’ that Sandra Bullock brings two 5-year old children through with ease. Their little raft capsized IMMEDIATELY, and fortunately, the kids who have never been near a body of water before in their lives, were able to safely float to shelter with their eyes literally closed.
Let’s talk about the world of Bird Box that seemingly only Sandra Bullock, a small group of blind folks and like, Sandra Bullock’s doctor, were able to survive. Is it reallyyyy that hard to make it years without looking out of a window?
Could you survive in the Bird Box universe?
If you’re insane, yes. When deranged people looked at the monster, they didn’t kill themselves. They sort of became the monster’s little henchmen forcing people to look at the monster too.
I’m not totally sure if this movie was about mental illness and the state of mental health or if this script was just written years ago when we were all ignorant to mental illness and anyone who had behavioral problems were just called ‘crazy’. I’m assuming the latter.
I feel like the secret to surviving is to just turn your house into a fortress that these crazy people couldn’t break into and then Netflix and chill until you’re hungry when you can then just drive blind to the local market and pick up supplies.
Personally, I’m looking directly at that monster the second I realize that eye contact makes you kill yourself. It’s a wrap for me day one. Best case scenario, I get hit by a bus and die on impact.
Worst case scenario, I find out that I’m actually a lunatic and hey what do you know, I get to live my life normally and I get to keep my vision. Sure, I’d have to worship my new monster overlord but the monster seems like he takes care of his horde of zombies. I respect his leadership.
Just look at the monster. Fuck it. You just watched all of yours friends and family jump out of the windows and slit their own throats. What’s so great about riding in a rowboat blind with an annoying ass bird for weeks at a time. Pass. I’ll just go ahead and kill me.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @theLesterLee if you think you could survive the Bird Box universe. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.