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9 Bold Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Predictions Based Off Absolutely Nothing In Particular

The latest Star Wars footage came out and although it was mostly a two minute montage of old footage from previous movies, we still saw Rey holding a red lightsaber, C-3P0 with red eyes and a third red thing. Kylo doing shit or whatever.

It’s time to wildly speculate about what will happen in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker based off pretty much nothing in particular.

Here are 9 random predictions:

  1. We find out who Rey’s parents are. One of the only real problems I had with Force Awakens is JJ Abrams creating a movie that presented a million questions and provided zero answers so in a way, I’m glad Rian Johnson took over The Last Jedi and said ‘nope, Rey’s parents don’t matter.’

But JJ Abrams is back to finish what he started and it wouldn’t shock me at all if he doubled down and made her father the Emperor or some shit. There are rumors that Keri Russell’s character is her mom. That’s probably not it but again, JJ wants to finish his story so who knows? He might walk into frame looking directly into the camera saying ‘I am Rey’s father. I created her’.

2. So many cameos. This is the end of the Skywalker trilogy that revolutionized cinema and the sci-fi genre. Rise of the Skywalker is a victory lap so don’t be shocked if everyone who has even been on screen for a Star Wars movie makes a cameo in this.

Force ghost Obi-Wan Kenobi seems inevitable especially considering he’s getting his own show on Disney + and Disney cares wayyy more about acquiring subscribers than they do with continuity.

Hayden Christensen was for sure secretly driven onto the back of the set in the middle of the night to record his force ghost scene and driven back out at 5am before The Hollywood Reporter could catch wind of it.

I’m just excited to return to Dex’ Dinner from Attack of the Clones.

3. We’ll still have no idea what the fuck The First Order ever wanted. I get that these are technically children’s movies or whatever so deep diving into the ideologies of the evil Nazi-esque First Order probably wouldn’t test well with audiences but you have to admit that their existence makes no sense and was never explained.

If we are to believe that the Emperor was murdered in Return of the Jedi and Darth Vader died thus ending the Empire, it would be cool if we had any level of understanding of where the First Order sprouted from and what their goals ultimately are. The evil people want evil things isn’t really good enough when you’re goose-stepping and blowing up planets without any sort of explanation as to why.

Just when we thought we’d get some insight on what Supreme Leader Snoke’s agenda is, he’s dead as hell. Morticians have a lot of work to do to make Snoke’s face presentable at his funeral.

Anyway, I doubt JJ even wants to explain them at this point sooo yup, just space Nazis doing space Nazi things. No further questions.

4. So much CGI Leia. Apparently there’s a clause in your Star Wars contract that allows them to just create you in their movies long after your death. Grand Moff Tarkin popping up in Rogue One still haunts me.

How is this allowed?

But yea, we are going to get more Princess Leia than anyone asked for. Can’t wait for the scene where CGI Carrie Fisher has a lightsaber fight with Kylo Ren for no reason.

5. Rey vs. Kylo won’t be the final boss battle. Again, this is all based off of absolutely nothing but it’s really difficult to believe that Rey and Kylo are in the same weight class at this point.

Rey is objectively the GOAT. Kylo got his ass beat by Finn and Rey is about to build that badass double lightsaber staff.

The Emperor’s laugh was the highlight of the first trailer and now his face watermarks the movie poster. This is bigger than Rey beating Kylo for the billionth time. Not saying that Rey and Palpatine are going to do battle but I can’t imagine Kylo even makes it to the end of the movie.

6. Kylo doesn’t make it to the end of the movie. The story of Ben Solo is a tragic one, or at least, it ought to be. Sure, it would make sense to end the series on a high note and the last Skywalker leaves the dark side just like Vader did and we all know JJ likes to copy from previous movies beat-by-beat.

But I don’t think you’re allowed to kill Han Solo and inadvertently kill Luke Skywalker without consequence. I don’t subscribe to the Rey and Kylo romance and I don’t see how Kylo lives happily ever after when the final credits roll. He has serious school shooter vibes and yea, they don’t get to go back to school the next day as if nothing happened.

7. Rey is a Skywalker. I’m combing my previous point with my first point mainly because I decided this list would consist of nine predictions anddd I’m already running out.

The Rise of Skywalker will be Rey finding out she’s related to Shmi Skywalker, the woman who started this whole thing by having her virgin Mary pregnancy. Rey is related to Vader somehow and this movie is about her.

That’s wishful thinking but yea, chances are the title is about Kylo and they somehow make him the main character of this trilogy even though it was Rey for the last 5 hours of film time. If I know Hollywood like I think I know Hollywood, Disney probably wanted to name this movie Star Wars: Boy Rule and Girls Drool.

8. BB-8 makeover montage. BB-8 is a rolling ATM. He appeared in one Force Awakens trailer and his toys flew off the shelves. We are about to see a fun Clueless-style fashion makeover of BB-8 as he gets new paint jobs to sell new versions of the same toy while Phil Collins’s Sussudio blasts in the background.

9. I’ll like it. This might be the boldest prediction yet. Even though I know I won’t totally be satisfied by Finn suddenly becoming less of a consequential character than R2-D2 and Captain Phasma is going to die without having ever done anything of note besides just looking cool as shit, I’ll like it.

At the same time, this movie could be 3 hours of Poe Dameron just alone resighting Shakespeare and I’d give it a standing ovation when the credits roll and doing that whistling thing where you put your two fingers in your mouth like an MGM cartoon wolf seeing a curvaceous redhead walk by.

I will be there opening night and every night for the next two months regardless of the quality of this film.

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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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