The 50 Funniest Mitch Hedberg Jokes
Mitch Hedberg is one of the greatest comedians of all time and my personal favorite. With the recent lose of Robin Williams, I’ve been looking back at some of my favorite deceased comedians and it didn’t take long to think of all of Mitch Hedberg’s jokes. The following list is compiled from his 3 CD’s: Stratetigc Grill Locations, Mitch All Together and Do You Believe in Gosh? Limiting this list to only 50 was perhaps the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life besides the SATs and telling friends and family that I care about them.
1. Got an ant farm. Those fuckers didn’t grow shit.
2. I haven’t slept in 10 days, because that would be too long.
3. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said no, but I did want a banana later so…yes.
4. My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it but she does live in a trailer so she got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
5. I’m against picketing but I don’t know how to show it.
6. I bought a $7 dollar pen because I got tired of losing pens and not caring.
7. My friend said to me “I hear music.” As if there’s any other way to take it in. You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too.
8. 2-In-1 shampoo is bullshit because 1 isn’t big enough to hold 2.
9. I put fruit on top of my waffles because I want something to brush off.
10. I know a lot about cars, man. I can see headlights and tell you exactly which direction it’s coming from.
11. A friend came over and asked if he can use my phone. He said “do I have to dial 9?” I said “yea, especially if its in the number you’re trying to dial.”
12. I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
13. If you had a friend that was a tightrope walker and he fell of the sidewalk, that would be completely unacceptable.
14. I don’t own a cellphone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. Anyone needs me, they just turn their head and say “Mitch.”
15. My friend said to me “Man, this weather is trippy.” I said “Maybe it’s not the weather that’s trippy but the way we perceive it that is in fact trippy.” But what I should’ve just said was “Yeah.”
16. No matter how good I get a tennis, I will never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, it was fucking relentless.
17. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls, but the day that the rubber was supposed to arrive, potatoes showed up instead. Pringles is a laid back company though. They said “Fuck it! Cut ’em up!”
18. An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
19. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
20. I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of ’em.
21. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget tryna bring you down.
22. I can’t tell you what hotel I’m staying at but there are two trees involved.
23. I watched an old baseball game on ESPN Classic. A guy hit a foul ball. So fucking classic, man.
24. I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member,
25. I bought some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar but that shits under control.
26. When I was a boy, I layed in my twin sized bed wondering where my brother was.
27. I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
28. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper but it’s a bullshit replica because dude didn’t even get his degree.
29. I saw an advertisement for a boxing match that said “It’s a fight to the finish.” That’s a good place to end.
30. I was a paper boy when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2000 houses. Or 2 dumpsters.
31. I like the FedEx driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.
32. I remixed a remix and it was back to normal.
33. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
34. I tried to walk in to Target but I missed.
35. Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
36. I want to see forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal.
37. I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the woman asked me “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I said ” celebrating the 5th year anniversary of you asking me this question.”
38. I got a fire alarm at home but really it’s just a 9volt battery slowly draining.
39. I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.
40. I like when they say shampoo is volumizing because my hair is getting quiet.
41. All vitamins are chewable they just taste shitty.
42. I’m sick of soup of the day. It’s time we make a decision. I want to know what the fuck soup from now on is.
43. On TV I saw a lady who was born without arms and that was sad. But then they said “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t'” And that made me more sad because not only does Lola not have arms but she doesn’t understand the meaning of simple contractions.
44. I’d imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is fucking cleaaaan.
45. I’m drinking Nyquil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but socialable.
46. Is a hippopatomus really a hippopatomus or just a really cool oppatomus
47. My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
48. If you’re a fish and you want to become a fish stick you need to have excellent posture.
49. I had one anchovy that’s why I didn’t have two anchovies. If you like anchovies, fucking…go.
50. I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
51. I had a piece of carefree sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in.
I had to go slightly over 50 here.
Leave a comment if you miss Mitch Hedberg. Leave if a comment if you used to do drugs. You still do, but you used to, too.
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