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5 Biggest Winners and Losers of Super Bowl 54

Super Bowl 54 so the end of the Kansas City Chiefs 50-year Super Bowl draught, the beginning of the Patrick Mahomes era and the labeling of Kyle Shanahan as a choke artist. What a night.

We saw a 50-year old woman pole dance, a rookie defensive end crying because he lost his chance to meet the president and a wide receiver celebrating with the son that he beat the shit out of last year.

There were up’s. There were down’s.

Here are the 5 biggest winners and losers of Super Bowl 54.


1. Andy Reid

Entering Super Bowl 54, Andy Reid was the winningest head coach without an NFL title. Not the best claim to fame but we all knew he was historically one of the greats regardless of the fact that he had only been to the Super Bowl once and bent the knee to Bill Belichick. As one does.

Andy Reid is now a walk-in Hall of Famer and with Patrick Mahomes leading the Chiefs, Reid has the opportunity to potentially rack up a shitload more rings while passing the baton to Marty Schottenheimer, the new all-time winningest head coach with no NFL titles.

2. Shakira (and Jennifer Lopez, I guess)

The Super Bowl Halftime Show has become a bathroom break at your party. It’s when you re-up on plates and realize how drunk you actually are once you stand up for the first time in 45 minutes.

But you have to acknowledge how great Shakira is. Singing. Dancing. Tonguing down the camera. She is truly the GOAT.

I’m told Jennifer Lopez was also there doing some Ashanti karaoke. Good for her.

3. The Colquitt’s

The Colquitt family is swimming in Super Bowl rings. I don’t have much more to say about this. Needed a list of 5 winners so congrats or whatever.

4. Tik Tok

Patrick Mahomes’s loved ones have seemingly had more screen time during this Chiefs run than the Super Bowl MVP himself. For weeks, his girlfriend was seen screaming and celebrating as if she was catching the touchdown passes but whatever. Support your man etc etc.

But the breakout star of the playoffs was young Jackson Mahomes out here bringing alllll the zest to Tik Tok. I have no idea what Tik Tok is. Seems like weirdos just doing the same 7 second little wack dance routines but Jackson Mahomes will probably be their new logo like Jerry West by the end of the month.

5. Eli Manning

I will not sit here and dunk on James Garoppolo. He is an average NFL quarterback and played as such. Kirk Cousins probably would’ve won that game. Okay yea, I suppose that is a bit insulting to James considering I called Kirk a bitch a couple of weeks ago. But my point is, he was fortunate to even be in the position to start in a Super Bowl.

But that play when he was being dragged to the ground and he chucked it downfield with his eyes closed into a defender’s hand, I couldn’t help but think of Eli Manning’s similar throw to David Tyree against the undefeated New England Patriots.

Everyone loves to act as if anyone could’ve done what Eli Manning did that day. Oh yea? Where’s Jimmy G’s Super Bowl ring?




And now onto the Losers…


1. Kyle Shanahan

In 2017, Kyle Shanahan was the offensive coordinator when the Atlanta Falcons blew a 28-3 lead to the New England Patriots. Fast forward three years and ya boy blew a 20-10 lead in the Super Bowl once again with awful play calling.

With the game tied up 10-10 and two minutes to go in the second quarter, San Fran had the opportunity to run a 2-minute offense and get some points on the board before the half. Buttttt Shanahan refused to call a time out when Kansas City was punting on 4th down and instead of having two minutes to march down the field, a full minute ticked down.


The 49ers got to the Super Bowl because of their dominant running game. In the second half, maintaining a lead, the team ran the ball 10 times and threw it 20. Ok.

Personally, if I were Shanahan I’d spend more time making second half adjustments and less time ironing the brim of my hats.


2. Richard Sherman

Last week, Darrelle Revis one of the greatest corners of all time called out Sherman for his inability to play man-to-man coverage and his reliance on zone coverage to excel. In the Super Bowl, Sherman instantly proved Revis’s point by getting burned by Sammy Watkins in a huge play.

Richard Sherman is great. But we can never put him in the same sentence as Revis or Champ Bailey or Deion Sanders. Ever.

3. Troy Aikman

It’s getting reaaaaal quiet out here for Troy Aikman, one of the most winningest quarterbacks of all time with absolutely none of the statistics to back it up. Patrick Mahomes is one full healthy MVP season away from removing Aikman from NFL history entirely.

4. Horny conservatives

You have to have a reaaaal disgusting unhealthy relationship with women to see Shakira and Jennifer Lopez dancing and think to yourself ‘this is promoting sex trafficking’. I thought it was encouraging to the Latin community that the current administration is deadset on locking up in cages but people like frequent Fox News guest, Charlie Kirk, see attractive women and thinks ‘I need to go pay for sex’.

5. Donald Trump

This dumb fuck is about to be president forever. Everything’s bad.






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