The 2019 Oscars were a rollercoaster ride that ended in a free fall that saw Green Book walk away with Best Picture which is strange considering it wasn’t the Best Picture but we’ll get to that.
With all of these major events and award shows, there are winners and there are losers. And I don’t just mean the people who took home awards and those who went home empty handed.
Lets start with the winners:
1. Lazy/Bullshit Biopics
Yo, stop making music biopics. I understand that the difference between a documentary and a biopic is the artistic changes needed to make an interesting narrative but if it’s at the cost of the musician whose story you’re telling then maybe just make a documentary and not make Freddie Mercury’s homosexuality come off as some sort of negative vice he suffers from.
When the real life family of Dr. Donald Shirley come out and say ‘uh yea, he was nothing like that and none of that happened’ then you should probably take a step back and perhaps give your script a re-write.
Biopics are cancelled.
2. Superhero Movies
Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse got the W. Black Panther took home some trophies. I grew up reading comic books and even I have superhero fatigue in 2019 from all of these movies (I blame DC for putting out
Can’t wait for Avengers 4 to win every single award. Shocked Venom didn’t get a Best Picture nom this year but that’s the Academy for ya, amirite?? *
3. Spike Lee
Spike Lee FINALLY won an Oscar. Buuuut it wasn’t Best Picture or Best Director but for Best Adapted Screenplay. Every young film maker’s dream. Also not cool that it was for Blackkklansman which is probably like, his 8th(?) best film but regardless, he took home that W.
And most importantly, he stopped the Oscars to have a conversation about the Knicks with his friend
Also love that Spike Lee dressed up as gay Spike Lee.
4. Olivia Colman
A queen. A GOAT. A legend.
But now, onto the Losers…
1. Kevin Hart
There was no host for this year’s Oscars and the night flowed relatively smoothly. Some people may feel as though the night was rushed but honestly, good. Rush this shit. We don’t need someone walking in between awards like ‘LOOK AT HUGH JACKMAN’S TIE HAHAHA’. The Oscars should never have a host ever again.
Sorry, Kevin. You fumbled the bag. You turned it down because you didn’t want to apologize a second time for your wack homophobic jokes and no one missed you. Never let people see how replacable you are. Imagine not showing up to work and everyone being like ‘wow, the office is actually way better without you. In fact, we’re never going to hire someone new. It’s just perfect without YOU’.
2. Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga
I was going to put them in the winners section because everyone universally celebrated their performance of ‘Shallow’ but I actually feel bad for them. They wanted to fuck each other soooo badly over that piano but they couldn’t for obvious reasons. They are losers from the 2019 Oscars solely because of their blue balls.
3. Non-White Males
Imagine thinking The Green Book was a better movie than Roma because a white guy drove a black guy through the south and ended racism? Couldn’t be me.
There’s something very haunting about the image of a bunch of white people going up to accept an award for a movie about a white savior being responsible for the success of a black man.
Also shout out to all the women tormented by Bryan Singer. Not to worry. Bohemian Rhapsody only won a few awards and not all of them.
I’ve made it very clear that I’m a Roma stan. But I identify even harder as a Ryan Gosling stan so WHERE WAS RYAN GOSLING’S OSCAR NOMINATION? WHERE WAS FIRST MAN? GOSLING WENT TO THE MOON. THE ACADEMY TRIED TO PLAY HIM LAST YEAR BY IGNORING BLADE RUNNER 2049 AND NOW THEY’RE PLAYING MY BOY AGAIN.
Seriously though, Roma was the best movie of the year and should’ve won in a landslide. I feel personally attacked.