The 2026 NBA Draft Lottery is today so this is last-minute content.
With my beloved Knicks sweeping the Philadelphia 76ers shortly following the lottery, I guess I didn’t even realize there was a lottery anymore.
Y’all still worried about them little ping pong balls?
Could not be me.
But I have readers who care about the top of the draft and who I am to rob the distinguished ladies and gentlemen of Deadseriousness a chance to talk ball.
Let’s rank each lottery team based on which ball club DESERVES the No. 1 pick the most.
We should start with a team that wouldn’t even know what to do with alll that…
14. Brooklyn Nets
Last year, the Brooklyn Nets selected 5 rookies in the first round.
By season’s end, none of them look like NBA players.
Nets GM Sean Marks has yet to establish a winning environment in Brooklyn.
He came close in 2019, sneaking into the playoffs with head coach Kenny Atkinson and a bunch of young guys who played their ass off—like Jarrett Allen, D’Angelo Russell and Rondae Hollis-Jefferson—but immediately nuked the project to add Kevin Durant and his weird anti-vax friend.
Now, in his second rebuild, it’s Michael Porter Jr surrounded by porn stars, Rumble streamers and 5 rookies who Mac McClung would run off the floor in a G-League game.
Dropping the best player in this draft onto a roster full of losers, porn addicts and IDF soldiers is just anchoring a kid’s potential All-Star career to the bottom of the Eastern Conference—playing inside an empty arena that only gets lit when Ellie the Elephant struts onto the court.
The Nets should try adding talent to their roster before they lay winning responsibilities at the feet of a teenager.
13. Chicago Bulls
Looking through the list of teams fighting for the No. 1 pick, the Chicago Bulls are the only ones that dominated and hijacked an entire decade of the NBA.
Kinda recently.
Obviously, the brand is abysmal since MJ signed with the Bullets, but those years still happened.
Your favorite NBA media personality would spend every show talking about the 90s Bulls if they didn’t care about views.
This is the Bulls punishment.
You win 6 championships with the greatest to ever do it, you don’t get the No. 1 pick.
Rules are rules.
Maybe next decade we can revisit this.
12. Milwaukee Bucks
The NBA is under the FBI’s drunk, red eyes—players and coaches intentionally tanking performances for tiny bits of cash.
Combine that with a media class addicted to complaining about teams tanking too much or winning too much or the commentary team or the officiating or the ratings or whatever gets them attention on social media—and it’s clear the Bucks can’t win the 2026 NBA Draft Lottery.
The NBA cannot let the Bucks trade Giannis and get the No. 1 overall pick a year after the Dallas Mavs traded Luka Doncic and got Cooper Flagg.
The trolls, grifters and podcasters who used to love the game but now just love yapping will all jump on this like an SS officer leaping onto a grenade for Adolf.
I think if you have one of the best basketball players still in their prime on your roster, you can survive not having a Top 10 player for a season or two.
11. Golden State Warriors
With the NBA conspiracy theorists in mind, Steve Kerr signed a 2-year contract extension over the weekend.
Bill Simmons has already thrown out the possibility that Kerr and the Warriors were told, days ahead of time, they’d be receiving the no. 1 pick and that’s why Kerr is coming back.
I don’t believe that to be the case and I don’t feel like living in a world where we must pretend so.
10. Atlanta Hawks
Last time the Hawks were given the no. 1 overall pick—just two seasons ago—they drafted Zaccharie Risacher—a player head coach Quinn Snyder removed from the rotation in the Hawks first round series against the Knicks.
Atlanta does not get the No. 1 pick anymore.
They suck at it.
9. Washington Wizards/8. Utah Jazz
The Jazz and Wizards are tied for me.
Both teams went about their team-building plans the same way.
They acquired stars at the trade deadline, putting them in the garage freezer, saving them for next season so they can continue losing without them.
Both teams set up, as if almost expecting a top pick to add alongside their already established rosters.
If I’m being generous, I prefer this team-building exercise over whatever the fuck Brooklyn is doing.
Like, at least Utah and Washington are actively acquiring talented players.
But the Jazz have Lauri Markkanen, Walker Kessler, Jaren Jackson, Ace Bailey and Keyonte George. Washington has Trae Young, Alex Sarr, Anthony Davis and Kyshawn George. Shout out to the Ky-George’s.
I love adding top 5 talent to their teams but they don’t need the No. 1 pick.
Not as much as other teams on this list with significantly fewer NBA ALL-STARS on their roster.
7. Charlotte Hornets
I hope the Hornets get an impactful role player to join their LaMelo/Kon/Brandon core.
They need it.
But adding the top rookie would be redundant and cause more problems than solve them.
The Hornets need depth and defense.
Brandon Miller should be their no. 1 scoring option and prioritizing top pick instead over the development of the guys already in-house may accidentally reset their rebuild instead of enhancing it.
6. Indiana Pacers
Ethical tanking.
5. Memphis Grizzlies
The Stephen A. Smith/LeBron James feud is so interesting considering they are both black capitalists who’d prefer to move the Memphis Grizzlies to Nashville because Nashville is an emerging market (white) and Memphis is “dangerous” (black).
2 black multimillionaires who see a city like Memphis, completely abandoned by the state of Tennessee, intentionally so, as Memphis’s fault.
Why aren’t they simply pulling themselves up by the bootstraps?
Memphis needs to get back to the playoffs so we can stop pretending Nashville is some haven when it’s just a new bank for rich people to launder money and exploit a community of young, naive whites who dream of yodeling and blowing on empty jugs.
4. Dallas Mavericks
Nah but real quick, how fucking sick would it be if Cooper Flagg and AJ Dybantsa were teammates?
(And if anything in the NBA is rigged, it would be Adam Silver giving Mavs owner, Miriam Adelson, one of Israel’s greatest financiers, another no. 1 pick. Every other American institution is lighting itself on fire upon Israel’s request. The NBA hasn’t shown me any levels of integrity that would exclude them from this phenomenon)
3. Miami Heat
No team on this list is as desperate for youth, energy, athletiscm and excitement more than the Miami Heat.
4 straight seasons competing in the play-in tournament with Bam Adebayo scoring 12 points and Tyler Herro never being as good as the best scorer on the opposing team.
This roster’s been sitting here, waiting for a star to fall in their laps like Jimmy Butler did.
I can’t keep watching this team of role players pretending like they’re title contenders.
Let’s just pull the Band-Aid and give the Miami Heat the best player in the draft.
2. Oklahoma City Thunder
None of these teams were forced to trade their first-round picks to the Oklahoma City Thunder.
GM Sam Presti built a team via stealing lottery picks from the less fortunate and now, as the defending champions remain unbeaten through the first two rounds, talent up and down the roster, guys sitting on the bench who could’ve singlehandedly saved the Orlando Magic season.
Give them AJ Dybantsa. They’ve truly earned it.
Plus, it’s Oklahoma, yo. What else do they have going on over there besides screaming at Thunder games?
1. Sacramento Kings
One of the only teams on this list determined to compete last season, signing a roster full of vets who make no x’s and o’s sense playing alongside each other, but we can’t complain about tanking, teams losing on purpose, and rewarding anyone but the Kings, who have been trying to win forever and just cannot.
The Sacramento Kings, a laughing stock since the refs cheated for the Lakers to win in 01, NEED this pick.
It’s the difference between building a dynasty and just re-signing Russell Westbrook every summer until he retires.
Light the beam.
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