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To my beloved Lindsey,
You dedicated your life in service of the greater good, ensuring the lovely citizens of South Carolina continue to rank 42nd in education.
I dream of a world, rid of war and famine and disease, well, any war, famine or disease that you, yourself didn’t personally profit from.
I love the way you close the fridge door with your hips.
I love that you can accurately guess every woman’s shoe size, and choose to, every time you meet them.
I love that you know every word from the movie La La Land. Not just the songs, you know the full dialogue. And some of the dance routines.
I have a confession.
It was me who created the gay rumors to throw the public off our relationship’s scent. I paid local DC twinks to claim sexual encounters with you as a ruse. I belly laugh when thinking of all the gay bartenders I put through college, the loans I took out paying for young men to transition, just the amount of meth I purchased for that tent city that one time, all to save our relationship from public scrutiny.
We fooled them Lindsey. They really believe you fought tooth and nail to strip away gay rights as some psychological punishment against your repressed feelings. Little do they know you’re just a hateful bigot, having a secret affair with me, the girl who pretends to be Princess Aurora at Disney World.
It’s a brutal gig, I’m Sleeping Beauty, ya know. I have to lie on a hot day bed, in the sun, 4 hours at a time, not allowed to utter a word or even open my eyes.
I remember the first day we met. I could feel you, standing over my pretend-corpse—breath beating down my forehead.
You whispered “fresh prey,” in my ear—nearly leaped out of your skin when I opened my eyes.
When TMZ spotted you at Disney World earlier this year, mere hours after the government shutdown, like you teleported there from DC—all I could do was smile, knowing you were rushing to visit me at work.
I can’t wait to see you again—once you’re done normalizing America’s relationships with Saudi Arabia and Israel. Our best nights follow days you’ve spent selling wars. Nothing sexier than a man fresh off a propoganda circuit.
Next time, I was wondering, maybe, for the first ever, we can try something other than me just pegging you? We’ll talk about that later…
-Sleeping Beauty<3
Just wait til she hears the bad news…
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