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Carson Wentz is a Loser On and Off The Field

carson wentz bear

Carson Wentz killed a bear.

 

Last week I wrote about Carson Wentz and Jon Gruden joining forces to create the Wonder Twins of lackluster quarterbacking. Form of the most turnovers in the league! Form of water!

It looks like their work is done and the unemployed dweeb is now traveling to Alaska to murder animals.

Nothing says “I’m escaping my reality and I need a fresh start” quite like a trip to Alaska.

The only people who spend their summers in Alaska are addicts who escaped their court-mandated rehabs or people who are legally unable to work in 49 other American states.

Safe to say, you can add “washed up, overrated former NFL quarterbacks” to the Alaska residents list.

Hunting in 2023 is so unbelievably corny.

You flew across the country with a bag full of tools specifically created to easily murder with the ease of bending a finger and you’re celebrating, smiling ear-to-ear hugging an innocent bear you executed with a bow and arrow in order to feel like a man.

You know what I do to feel like a man? I get out of bed in the morning.

“Got the opportunity to spot and stalk black bear in one of our new favorite places on earth— Alaska!”

Cool!!

It sounds like Carson Wentz spent an exorbitant amount of money to slaughter an animal for Instagram likes and pats on the back from even bigger losers.

And let’s be clear, I am no animal activist or whatever. I’d kill a bear with my bare hands if I met one in the wild and our hangout sesh went sideways.

But the idea of putting in my debit card info and then hoping on an airplane to go STALK and butcher a cool, big-ass wild animal for the sole purpose of gaining cheap masculinity points online is incredible loser energy.

Remember when Trump’s neurodivergent sons were on a special hunting trip and were cheesing so hard dragging around a heavy-ass dead jungle cat?

What part of your brain is missing that makes you think it’s cool to shoot animals who are minding their own business in their own habitats?

Add this to the list of terrible decisions made by a man who is literally income-less right now based entirely on his inability to make good decisions.

Every time Carson Wentz drops back, it feels like the ball is going to land in the hands of a defender. Every time.

Wentz plays football like he’s surrounded by the least talented players to ever suit up for the game so he feels like he needs to singlehandedly save the team and be the hero of Sunday which causes him to hold onto the ball for way too long or closing his eyes and chucking it down the field hoping something special happens but in reality, he’s less like Dan Marino and a lot like Nathan Peterman.

Sometimes I feel bad for Carson though.

I spend a lot of time making fun of that mouth-breathing, North Dakotan Fargo fucker but his failures aren’t entirely his fault.

This is who Carson Wentz has been from day one.

In his rookie season with the Eagles, Wentz led the NFL with 14 fumbles while throwing 14 interceptions.

But he’s been given the opportunity to start every single game he’s been healthy despite doing everything in his power to be benched.

Carson Wentz running around Carson Wentzing for the last 7 years is the fault of these organizations continuing to give him the keys to their franchise even though he keeps losing those keys and asking if they could make him a duplicate and then immediately losing the duplicate keys.

Although it seems like NFL front offices have finally realized the error of their ways and have evolved past the need for a guy who led the NFL by getting sacked 50 TIMES in his last year with the Eagles because he refused to let go of the ball thinking he was going to make a Superman play only to find out—50 times—he’s Clark Kent.

Now Wentz has to spend his days traveling around the world brutally massacring wildlife.

I’m going to miss seeing him find new ways to throw interceptions to defensive linemen every Sunday.

I’ll always rather watch a guy who makes hilariously off-target throws than someone who’s like, decent or whatever like Jacoby Brissett.

Shout out to Carson Wentz: bear assassin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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