thelesterlee
It really sucks to have a coworker who hates you for no reason. No matter what you do to try to reconcile, they are dedicated to making life awkward as hell for you. But man, when you finally leave that job and get a fresh start somewhere else—life just feels easier.
For the Golden State Warriors, last season started with Jordan Poole getting SLEPT by Draymond Green at a practice.
This season starts with Poole off to the Washington Wizards for Chris Paul—who I totally forgot was on the Washington Wizards.
ESPN Sources: The Washington Wizards are finalizing a deal to send Chris Paul to the Golden State Warriors for a package that includes Jordan Poole and future draft assets. pic.twitter.com/kpNkhqFicp
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) June 22, 2023
I was quite literally in the middle of writing an article shitting on the Wizards for this bizarre offseason when this Chris Paul trade news initially dropped.
They start off by trading Bradley Beal to Phoenix in exchange for Chris Paul,1Landry Shamet and some crumbs in the GM’s chest pocket.
But even as I’m writing this, it turns out Washington got wayyyyy more in that Beal trade than previously reported.
Washington and Phoenix have finalized the Bradley Beal trade, landing the Wizards six second-round draft picks and four first-round pick swaps, sources tell ESPN. Suns are sending seconds in 2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028 and 2030. Pick swaps in 2024, 2026, 2028 and 2030.
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) June 22, 2023
Some of those pick swaps are going to be a problem for Phoenix. Kevin Durant will be 35 years old next season and he hasn’t played more than 60 games in a season since he was on the Warriors.
And then in the final moments before Kristaps Porzingis could choose to opt out of his contract and become a free agent, the Wizards trade him to Boston in a 3-team deal. The Wizards traded a 23-per-game scorer for Tyus Jones, Danilo Gallinari, Mike Muscala and the no. 35 pick in the 2023 NBA Draft.
Michael Winger is the new team president and Will Dawkins is as the new GM. I wanted to mock them they’re doing their thing. Getting rid of all of the previous regimes’ mistakes and starting from scratch.
And now the new brain trust flipped Chris Paul for one of the funniest characters in the NBA: Jordan Poole.
Jordan Poole has gotta stop doing this lmaoo pic.twitter.com/yZJcOsULZw
— John (@iam_johnw) April 29, 2023
This 2023-24 Jordan Poole Washington Wizards are going to be a movie2. Poole gets a full green light to run the show and he is in no way prepared for that responsibility.
For his career, Poole shoots 42% from the field and 33% from 3.
He shouldn’t have his own team but he makes TWICE AS MUCH as the second highest-paid player on the Wizards. Who else is going to take shots on this team? Corey Kispert? Landry fucking Shamet?
Nah, Jordan Poole vs. everyone.
Jordan Poole plays like he knows he has no business being out there while simultaneously carrying this outrageously sized confidence—especially when an Instagram model is flown in to sit courtside.
It’s going to be hilarious in DC when the courtside baddies are Nancy Pelosi and Jill Biden.
People in the Capitol are going to think there’s a terrorist attack opening night when Poole launches thunderous BRICKS off the backboard all game long. Swapping Beal out for Poole is just so funny.
Like, the Beal-Wizards were boring as shit. John Wall and Beal were an exciting tandem but that was mostly because of how electric John Wall was before his legs imploded like a poorly manufactured submarine. Like, Bradley Beal on his own contributed absolutely nothing to the experience of watching a game. He made shots. He didn’t make shots. Whatever.
Jordan Poole will make two straight logo 3’s with 20+ seconds left on the shot clock and then immediately foul a jump shooter creating a 4-point play for the other team. Then he’ll get nervous and take his eye off the inbound pass and the ball will hit the side of his face and bounce into Kim Kardashian’s lap before he crosses up a defender and does a 360 layup causing a coach’s angry timeout.
Cinema.
Washington has been boring and irrelevant for years now.
Now, there will be at least one Jordan Poole highlight trending.
A circus layup at the rim. A bullet pass into Tyus Jones’s face. Poole is the perfect player to get the keys to this franchise while they rebuild.
Plus, his Civil Rights ass mustache is perfect for this market.
I am so ready for him to lock eyes with AOC in the crowd and go for 50 against the Orlando Magic in a meaningless game in the middle of December.
Round of applause to Washington for tanking and rebuilding the year AFTER the Victor Wembanyama draft. Jordan Poole is going to be playing with bums for the rest of his life and I cannot wait. This is my new favorite team. Deadseriousness is officially a Wizards fan page.
Is Jordan Poole good enough to be the best player on an NBA team? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if you aren’t interested in watching Jordan Poole in Washington so I can make sure to never do anything illegal near you since you’ll clearly call the police on me.
