5 NFL Week 5 Games To Keep an Eye On

We’re 5 weeks into the 2023 NFL season and we are witnessing some of the worst football anyone has ever played and there is nothing I love more than terrible football. There is nothing funnier than a quarterback throwing a disgusting interception or a DB getting sonned by a wide receiver.

I wanted to put the Jaguars @ the Bills on this list because I’m becoming a Trevor Lawrence truther but he once again alludes everyone’s attention by playing a 9am in London (which would be a FIRE Drake song by the way).

So here are the 5 NFL Week 5 games to keep an eye on:

1. Chicago Bears (0-4) @ Washington Commanders (2-2)

I’m convinced Thursday Night Football exists because of some secret underground deal with Buffalo Wild Wings to fill their dining halls for Thursday wing nights. You cannot tell me someone in the NFL offices thought the Bears and the Commandos would be good enough this season for a primetime game. Washington lost Carson Wentz and replaced him with no one. Why do they have primetime games?

But I’m a sicko for mediocre football.

Chase Young and Montez Sweat are about to powerbomb Fields over and over again as he stands in the pocket shaking, staring down a wide-open receiver. And then Chicago will blame it on Chase Claypool.

2. New York Giants (1-3) @ Miami Dolphins (3-1)

The Giants might be the worst team in the NFL and I just cannot quit them.

Two weeks ago, Miami put 70 points on the Broncos skull. Mike McDaniel has proven to be an offensive mastermind and I’m sure he’s looking at this Giants defense like food. Tua Tagovailoa is about to break single-game records.

Meanwhile, the Giants have the worst offensive line and their starting guard, Evan Neal, is cutting WWF promos on the fans mocking them as burger flippers and sheep who shouldn’t speak about lions.

Evan Neal, the Lion:

I’ve never seen anything like this. What the hell was Evan Neal doing here??#NYGiants #NYG #Giants pic.twitter.com/mdAhei9wAv

— Anthony Rivardo (@Anthony_Rivardo) October 3, 2023

3. New York Jets (1-3) @ Denver Broncos (1-3)

Prior to the season, Sean Payton called Nathaniel Hackett’s year as the Broncos head coach “One of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL”. Hackett is now the offensive coordinator of the Jets. This game might be a bloodbath. Especially when you remember Sean Payton was suspended once for paying his Saints players to injure Brett Favre intentionally. If the Jets take any cheap shots for their OC, Payton is 1000% going to gather his team together, pull out his wallet and start handing out dollars for concussion-inducing hits.

There’s a 50% chance Sean Payton and Nathaniel Hackett just fist fight at midfield. You don’t get to say I’m one of the worst coaches ever when you have a 1-3 record and you’re starting to look like a Drew Brees merchant. If Hackett can get a second great game out of Zach Wilson then he gets to slap the shit out of Payton when the clock hits 0.0.

4. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) @ Minnesota Vikings (1-3)

This week lowkey sucks and the NFL knows that which means if you’re a Taylor Swift fan, you should be glued to the Chiefs vs. Vikings because homegirl is going to be on screen more often than Patrick Mahomes.

The two stars of Netflix’s “Quarterback” go to battle and see whose vibes-based physical therapy works best. Patrick and his weird ass exercises where he does insane and random motions to avoid injuries or Kirk Cousins seeing a local Minnesota chiropractor. Both men are 1000% getting robbed by their ‘holistic’ scammers.

5. Green Bay Packers (2-2) @ Las Vegas Raiders

Jordan Love has quickly become one of my favorite players to watch. He’s capable of making electric downfield throws and dodging pass rushers in the pocket all while looking like he’s playing in wet socks.

With Jimmy G out with an injury, the rookie Aidan O’Connell gets to go out there doing god knows what. I love that NFL primetime games are showcases for the worst quarterbacks in the league. We are about to watch some of the most hilarious fumbles we’ve ever seen.