Dexter Lawrence Bullet Billing through double teams, The Revenant Bear vs. Leo’s ass.
30.5 sacks, 103 QB hits in 7 years.
Sexy dexxy diamond dancing, showered in L’s, new managers whispering empty promises, boss playing keep away with the pay raise, former coworkers draped in gold, for sale sign staked in the lawn.
Who can blame him?
After 7 years of service, two All-Pro seasons in the books, DT Dexter Lawrence is requesting a trade from the New York Giants.
In February, when asked about Dexter Lawrence’s importance was, new head John Harbaugh said, “He’s a cornerstone football player — not really a cornerstone, more like the middle stone. He’s right in the middle. He’s a very big stone”
The “middle stone” of the defense is pleading for relocation.
Good for him.
The team will attempt to brainwash him, ambitious lies from Giants new defensive coordinator Dennard Wilson about a system that’ll highlight Dexter Lawrence, it’ll land on deaf ears.
Dexter, drafted in 2019, year-by-year, watching friends and colleagues find new jobs and successes elsewhere, scrolling through Instagram, double-tapping their achievements while chained to the bottom of the NFC. New mangers show up annually, each providing him with new, different goals and false promises.
Saquon Barkley and Leonard Williams Super Bowl champions. Xavier McKinney moved to Wisconsin, 2 All-Pro trophies in 2 seasons.
Sometimes the grass is just greener than yours.
After 3 straight losing seasons and the suits refusing to pay him past his rookie extension, eyes wander.
Dexter Lawrence, too talented, too accomplished, too proven, to be begging for a new contract, to be disrepected by Carl fucking Banks, deserves an opportunity to spend his remaining impactful seasons helping a championship contender make it to The Promised Land, not crossing his fingers, hoping the new snakeoil salesman who charmed their way to the sidelines after a few wines with John Mara, actually knows how to build a winning football program.
Dexter is a one-man machine, capable of wrecking a game in isolation.
I don’t want to part ways but if I must, then let me send him to some cool teams.
1. Chicago Bears
Parsons to Green Bay.
Chicago on the clock.
Inject Lawrence into the spine of Dennis Allen’s 4-3, anxiety-inducing defense.
2025, Chicago’s first playoff appearance in 5 years. A 2nd round loss to the Rams. Index and thumb aaaaalmost touching. THAT close.
The final season an MVP ballot won’t include Caleb Williams’s name.
Jordan Love looking kinda sus. Malik Willis, new boot goofin with Dolphins.
Infinite outcomes await Kyler Murray, including a potential 14-3 season. The Vikings just did that two years ago and Kyler Murray has always been better than Sam Darnold—chained to a Cardinals organization firing maladroit executives, replacing them with more maladroit executives.
Detroit Lions stuck inside, their championship window sealed shut the day Ben Johnson flew into O’Hare.
Dexter Lawrence is a game wrecker who keeps Chicago with the pack—NFC North arms race escalating daily.
The #ceasefire pins ineffective—the Bears need bigger guns.
2. Los Angeles Chargers
Khalil Mack only recorded 5.5 sacks last season, his lowest since his rookie season.
35 years on Earth, 13 campaigns in—and his worst season is better than most’s best.
Imagine how much easier his life would be if Dexter Lawrence was bare knuckle boxing the opposing team’s interior line, granting Khalil instant access to the QB.
The Chargers chilled this offseason. Didn’t want to look too thirsty. I feel that.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
Travis Hunter, Prime Time’s protege, officially full-time corner—the Percy Harvin experiment worked about as well as it did originally—but with a superstar corner on the cusp, a pressure-generating. All-Pro interior lineman rushing quarterbacks into preemptive grenade lobbing, the Jags defense puts a lid on Daniel Jones off the burst achilles and CJ Stroud, the guy who peaked at age 22.
Trevor Lawrence, my MVP of 2025.
13 wins, second-best season in franchise history, 8-game winning streak to finish the campaign.
The no. 1 overall pick, the “generational” prospect finally reaching his potential.
The Chiefs, Ravens and Bills bounce back inevitable, predictable. The Jags need to move like they belong in the same paragraph as them.
Dexter Lawrence 3rd and long sacks to knock opposing teams out of field goal position is the difference between a Super Bowl appearance and a “nice season”.
4. Los Angeles Rams
The sun rises in the east.
Kristi Noem’s husband has ginormous knockers.
And the Los Angeles Rams trade first-round picks for superstars.
The facts of life (the facts of life).
The NFC West loading nukes (Arizona, Iran)
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5. Tennessee Titans
It’s time to come home, Dexter.
Fired Giants head coach, Brian Daboll, quickly found shelter in suburban Tennessee, joining the Titans as their new offensive coordinator, bringing along Giants WR Wan’Dale Robinson, TE Daniel Bellinger and CB Cordale Flott.
Brian Daboll’s spell still lingering on players despite his inability to ever get his teams to score more points than the other.
Wins matter not.
No, their loyalty runs deeper.
They are full-fledged members of the Cult of Daboll.
Join them, Dexter.
You know you wanna.
6. New York Giants
What if the New York Giants are just….good again?
Dexter Lawrence obviously a key ingredient in that recipe but there’s no rule saying a team must trade their best player whenever they request a trade. Maxx Crosby’s been whining about the Raiders for a year straight and on Week 1, Maxx Crosby will be a Raider.
Last season, with Dexter Lawrence off the field, the Giants ranked 27th in EPA per pass, 31st in sack rate and 32nd in yards per attempt allowed.
Without Dexter Lawrence, the Giants are the worst defense in the NFL. Nothing the Giants get back in return will equal what Dexter Lawrence is already capable of now, today, and he’s on the payroll.
Good teams keep good players.
John Harbaugh’s Giants legacy now hinges on his ability to convince the best player on the team to stay on the team.
The Giants are Super Bowl contenders with Dexter Lawrence back. That is what I am telling myself over and over as I scroll past new headlines about how “done” Lawrence is with New York. NANANANANA I CANT HEAR YOU.
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