At 24-years old, Los Angeles Rams star wide receiver Puka Nacua deemed unable to control his impulse to bite women and proclaim his hate for Jewish people—shipped off to rehab—his friends, family, employer and lawyer all hoping they can cure his illness.
Why is Puka Nacua in rehab?
Puka’s Google calendar stuffed with attorney zoom calls, fighting a lawsuit following a New Year’s Eve night, where a woman claims Nacua shouted: “fuck all the jews”.
Later in the night, in the car—presumably on the way to the afters—Puka bit that woman on her shoulder and then bit her friend’s finger.
Nacua’s attorney, Levi McCathern, calls the woman’s allegations “a blatant lie” with no evidence supporting her story, also telling the California Post, “He was in [rehab] a substantial period of time before any of these allegations broke … and he’s scheduled to be there for a while longer.”
Levi MacCathern really wants us to understand his client is not in rehab because he bit a couple dames in between Nazi salutes.
Puka was already in rehab before the lawsuit and will remain there (until the mercy of the courts throws this lawsuit away and Puka can return to his life as an antisemitic, endzone-dwelling vampire).
Millions of dollars are at stake, the Rams are my Super Bowl favorites out of the NFC (right after the Giants. Go Big Blue), Puka is spending his offseason in rehab, clearly under the guidance of legal counsel, expecting leniency from the judge for taking initiative.
Puka Nacua’s maturity stunted, mixing alcohol with red pills, now, in a permanent state of Eric Cartman—zero social skills developed, resorting to biting and Jew jokes, scaring the hoes and forcing his name into negative headlines.
Here’s Puka at the end of last season, learning brand new ways to mock Jewish people:
Puka Nacua will be doing Adin Ross’s ICONIC JEWISH DANCE for his next touchdown celebration 😭 pic.twitter.com/W2dQL4kSMB
— AdinUpdate (@AdinUpdate) December 17, 2025
A room full of toddlers refusing to adult.
If you like watching Adin Ross, or any of these lame Kick streamers who’ve locked themselves inside the machine—their entire lives determined by the whims of the algorithm—chasing virality, often at the cost of decency, charm, tact, humor, literacy and watchability—cool, do your thing.
We’re all just trying to get through the day.
You’re allowed to eat dog food, though I don’t recommend.
Personally, I’d much prefer to spend time with women than listen to dorks fantasize about a manufactured reality in which they are superior to them.
And Jews are dope. Mazel.
But what do I know?
Puka Nacua is an All-Pro wide receiver and I type run-on sentences all day for pennies.
Maybe I need more Fresh N Fit in my life if I’m really trying to get to the next level: impatient rehab.
Never mix your alcohol and your red pills.
Every drink you consume increases the likelihood you’ll vomit up your social media feed, to an audience of folks who do not have that same feed, intentionally.
Don’t let your phone turn you kook, especially if you’re on track to become a Hall of Fame wide receiver.
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