Each NBA offseason, I pray several players lock themselves in the lab to perfect their craft, arriving to the new year bearing gifts, new handles, bags of tricks, like when James Harden went to Houston with an unstoppable step-back three he created hungover in the gym.
Here are 10 NBA players I hope lock themselves in the lab this summer. Let’s start with the new villain of the league.
1. Jaylen Brown
Jaylen Brown said he had fun at work and Brad Stevens sold him off Facebook Marketplace. They’re talking about Jaylen like he dragged his wife down a hotel hallway by the scruff of her neck.
He almost won an MVP with Payton Pritchard as his ventilator but he dared admit happiness—banishment.
I know Tyrese Maxey scored the 5th most points last season, earning his first All-NBA selection—elevating himself to one of the Top 15 players in the NBA, no longer in Embiid’s immense shadow. I really tried to convince myself Immanuel Quickley was better. Long nights off that Knickstape…
Cooper got buckets and Dylan Harper’s inbox flooded—he can buy or sell whatever his heart desires—but VJ Edgecomb’s superstar trajectory surrounds us.
Jaylen Brown needs to ignore them.
Whatever they had going on before he got there no longer exists. Jaylen must show up behaving—and most importantly, playing—like the best player on the Sixers.
He needs to be the first in, day one, greeting LeBron at the door—showing him all the bathrooms and shit.
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Anything less than clear, head and shoulders confident, consistent early play from Jaylen Brown and Philadelphia’s in a drama spiral, interloppers, pot-stirers and box score scanners tossing dirt on their coffins, LeBron’s “The Last Dance” documentary boring as hell, film crew prohibited from filming any of the 37 “player-only meetings”.
2. Nickeil Alexander-Walker
The Atlanta Hawks just brought CJ McCollum back on a 1-year deal. They’re giving this team another chance, with these same pieces, to become a legit title contender. You won’t find a podcaster that doesn’t fawn over Jalen Johnson. Jalen is sick, we all love lightskin Scottie Barnes—but Nickeil Alexander-Walker’s scoring in the second half of the season turned them dangerous.
The front office brought in Lu Dort and Aaron Wiggins to support Nickeil—Dort, hopefully taking some on-ball defensive responsibility off Alexander-Walker,.Wiggins in the corner pumping up Jalen Johnson and Alexander-Walker’s assist averages.
His cousin is the second best player in the NBA. I believe Nickeil can go bucket-for-bucket with Giannis and the Heat in 4th quarters. Lock. In.
3. Jalen Suggs
The Orlando Magic elected to do nothing this offseason—the coach change expected to rejuvenate a roster capable of elite defense, plagued by months-long injuries—perhaps their practice facility is too close to a power plant. Though the Magic’s owner’s purchases kill trans teens and Jed York’s purchases pay for their medicine.
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The Magic finished 27th in 3-point percentage last season. 30th the year before that. No 3-point shooters added to the roster. Orlando’s cool with that. They must think someone on their roster will improve.
To me, that has to be Jalen Suggs.
Jalen Suggs shot 33% from 3 last year and 31% the year before.
Suggs needs to be locked inside of a gym, doors barricaded, until he leaves a 38% shooter or better. The Magic are title contenders if Jalen Suggs could hit open 3s. Banchero and Wagner uphill battles softened by Suggs open in the corner, a reliable 3-point shooter removing all double-teaming from the opposing team’s playbook—a pressure valve, saving their stars, maybe preserving their bodies for all 82. For once.
Make threes or everyone gets hurt. No pressure, Suggs.
[RELATED: Trade Grades: Minnesota Timberwolves Add All-Star Point Guard LaMelo Ball]
4. Brandon Miller
The Charlotte Hornets needed a bucket-getter in that play-in tourny. Game got physical, Kon Knueepel switched flipped off and LaMelo chucking. Charlotte begged for breaks of brilliance Brandon Miller couldn’t provide.
LaMelo no longer the fall guy, Brandon Miller with the ball in his hands at the end of the 4th is coming, I need my guy to study some of his GOAT’s tape and show up to 26-27 with some smooth handles.
Brandon Miller finished with a career-high 3.4 free throw attempts a game last season. Rookie numbers. We need that tripled if we’re being honest. Are you a superstar or accomplice?
If Brandon Miller doesn’t want it, Naz Reid’ll gladly take those shots.
5. Matas Buzelis
Newly arrived rookie Caleb Wilson appears to only play 100mph, put Summer Leager under his sneaker, light work. 23.5 points, 7.3 rebounds, 2.5 blocks, 1.3 steals on 50% shooting from the field and 42% from 3.
Josh Giddey with the rock off the boards or the outlet, up the floor with Caleb Wilson, enabling—Matas Buzelis has no excuse for not averaging 20 points per game this season. Dillon Brooks averaged 20 last season. If Caleb is this impactful, just defensively, the Bulls are out of here.
So they’ll be in more close games, where I need Buzelis to be a threat.
Only 22 years old, entering his 3rd NBA season, it’s time to start carving out your niche in this league, big dog. I see you in the back of Lyrical Lemonade Freestyles. Sure. Do your thing. When are you going to confidently take guys off the dribble and finish at the rim. Buzelis averaged 6.7 drives a game last season. Fractionally better than guys like Quentin Grimes and Ryan Nemhard. Dyson Daniels averaged 10 a game and he and I have similar dribble packages.
I keep reading these free agent signing reports. I’m a sicko for them. So many guys were called by Chicago but ultimately signed elsewhere. Nobody’s rushing to play with Matas Buzelis in his current form.
Caleb Wilson will take the Bulls to the top of the standings with or without Buzelis. Matas needs to decide if he wants to spend his career Kelly Olynk-ing around.
5. Ausar Thompson
The Detroit Pistons repeat 60 wins if Ausar Thompson learns to dribble, pass and shoot. The twin, best perimeter defender not-named OG Anunoby—we’ll get to my boy OG in a second—cannot return as an offensive non-factor—especially with the team maybe not bringing back Jalen Duren, ending possessions behind Ausar with defensive rebounds.
Last season, Ausar averaged 9.9 points, shot 25% from 3 and 57% from the free throw line, career-highs in offensive rebounds (2.1) and assists (3.1), so he aided the offense in the best ways he could but he has to enter next season open to hit a corner three, or at the very least, got to like, Josh Hart/Ben Simmons assists levels where opposing teams can’t leave Ausar wide open or he’ll create an easy 2-on-1 advantage for a quick bucket.
Ausar just needs more offensive tools. I do not trust Detroit to acquire outside talent. They traded for Kevin Huerter at the deadline. He could not shoot nor defend. Fell out of the rotation. And they re-signed him instead of upgrading that bench shooter role.
The Pistons fortunes depend almost entirely on Ausar learning some new tricks. His brother shoots like a Stormtrooper too but he’s discovered ways to impact the offense. Ausar must invent a new style of NBA offense for a guy who cannot dribble pass or shoot. The Thompson Twin Teachings.
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6. Ja Morant
Ja Morant is leaving an organization he no longer trusted, sent to an organization paying their head coach in Dave and Buster points, penny-pinching, meddling—Morant shows up balling again, none of that messiness matters.
But with Damian Lillard returning, the 36-year-old most likely starting in the backcourt alongside Ja, attempting to re-live his salad days at the expense of a young team fresh off a playoff appearance obtained through the crucible of their head coach dragged off in handcuffs—helping the mafia run pockets on his off days.
Portland is a potential atomic disaster—egos, false promises, ulterior motives and IDF apologists could flood the facility.
All tragedy avoided if 2022 Ja shows up—the one who received MVP votes and led the Grizzlies to a top seed.
The Trailblazers wouldn’t pay for two-way players to travel for road playoff games. I imagine they have no problem Old Yeller’ing Dame if Morant’s mutant abilities return. Or maybe Dame is just a productive basketball player and both he and Ja work in tandem.
Last season, Ja averaged 19.5 points, his lowest since his rookie season, his lowest rebounds, second-lowest free throw attempts and a disgusting 41% from the field and 23% from 3.
More than anyone on this list, Ja Morant needs basketballs duct taped to his hands all summer.
7. Tyrese Haliburton
The Pacers went from the NBA Finals to the worst team in the East without Tyrese Haliburton. No pressure but Tyrese better come back hooping or Indiana’s window shut, glued—Knicks too good, Sixers too good, Cleveland too good, Detroit, Atlanta and Charlotte on the way. Orlando stuffing batteries in a sock each series, the Pacers need Finals MVP Tyrese.
I know Haliburton suffered from shingles but I don’t know, pop a honey pack or something. Let’s go.
8. Ace Bailey
Aye man, I think your boss just hired your replacement—you good?
With the second pick of the 2026 NBA Draft, the Utah Jazz select Ace Bailey’s replacement, Darryn Peterson.
Peterson’s compared to Kobe Bryant and Kawhi Leonard while Ace Bailey’s manager raps Jay-Z lyrics in his IG story, wearing a chain that would collapse a small Vietnamese girl’s vertebrae.
Ace spent his rookie campaign in foul trouble. While the names of Edgecomb, Flagg and Harper echoed inside the home offices of NBA podcasters, Ace Bailey struggled to impress.
A reality exists where Bailey and Peterson form a Two Man Power Trip, sledgehammers and steel chairs at all y’all’s craniums. Utah in 4.
9. Jalen Green
The Phoenix Suns ceiling sky-high if Jalen Green morphs into the perennial All-Star projected on draft night.
Two seasons ago, Jalen Green led the Rockets in scoring and played in all 82. Last year, 32 games, scoring down from 20 a night to 17.3 points.
But flashes shown in the playoffs.
The Suns took 4 on the chin in the first round against the Oklahoma City Thunder, a humiliation ritual—Jalen Green averaged 21.8 points, 5.3 rebounds and 2 steals. His glaring flaw, 20% shooting behind the arc, correctable with a focused and intentional offseason, developing a 3-point shot off the dribble.
Bro, Jalen Green starts next season with a quick little Jalen Brunson step-back 3 he can get off on any defender and splash?? Nah, Phoenix might have to trade for Anthony Davis and go win a title.
10. OG Anunoby
This is the All-Star, Defensive Player of the Year season. Contract guaranteed, bag secured, tip-in to win the title, carved into NBA history. Jalen Brunson off wrist surgery, Karl-Anthony Towns not looking to injure himself before he receives that contract extension DocuSign—nothing is stopping OG Anunoby from knocking out some side quests.
MVPOGDOWNLOADING.
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