The Sexual Predator Gets To Play Football Again

After serving an 11-game suspension for being a sex pest and begging every local Houston massage therapist to touch his little pee pee, Deshaun Watson finally makes his triumphant return to the NFL this Sunday as the Cleveland Browns play his former team, the Houston Texans.

Such a heartwarming underdog story happening right before our eyes. Super famous guy pressures civilian women into performing sex acts on him that have absolutely no desire to do. Super famous guy then gets a $230 million guaranteed contract. Super famous guy gets a 12-week vacation. Sick.

23 out of 24 women that accused Watson agreed to settle. 23 women. Nothing says you’re innocent more than paying 23 women who all say you sexually assaulted them. That’s so many women.

And shout out to the Cleveland Browns for not giving any shits about these women and rushing to trade THREE first-round draft picks and $230 million guaranteed for a guy who missed an entire season for no reason while he was making masseuses jerk him off.

It’s been 700 days since Watson last played a regular-season football game.

Some might make the argument that we could all go the rest of our lives without ever seeing this weirdo play football again considering just how many women this man tried to coerce into touching him under the guise of helping the biggest sports star in the city and maybe getting a bump in their own personal brands and business by simply getting a shout out from him and his large platform.

The only positive I can take from the return of this pervert is knowing he’s most likely going to suuuuuck this weekend.

Here’s a quick look at what he did in the preseason prior to being suspended:

First pass for Deshaun Watson as a Brown? overthrow. pic.twitter.com/c72GrhYLq5

— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) August 12, 2022

He finished that game with 7 passing yards. He was 1-for-5. At one point, he slipped handing the ball off to the running back. I genuinely believe we are about to witness one of the worst quarterback performances in NFL history against one of the worst defenses in NFL history.

But unfortunately, they will be benching Jacoby Brissett who has a higher passer rating this season than Kirk Cousins, Matty Stafford and Kyler Murray. The Browns can do better at that position but Watson isn’t that. Especially with that absurd contract that completely shattered the QB market and has domino effects that could ruin Lamar Jackson’s contract negotiations this offseason.

Oh, Watson not only set a new contract precedent but the precedent that you can take your tiny little penis out and pressure an NFL roster size worth of women to touch you and you’ll only miss like, half a season and you’ll just have to cut a few checks to women and it’ll all be fine.

And I know this is when lame dorks like to say ‘doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance???’. Sure, bro. But NO ONE *deserves* to be a starting quarterback in the National Football League. Being a professional athlete at the highest level is a privilege. There is too much money and fame and influence involved.

If you work at Walmart and you sexually assault 20+ women, uh, you don’t get to go back to stocking shelves at Walmart once the lawsuits are settled. Not sure why these fans think these players deserve to just walk back onto an NFL field after terrorizing men, women and children.

Deshaun Watson should be pumping gas at the local freezing cold Exxon station right now. Not making 9 figures in the NFL.

The only thing we can hope is that after 700 days without playing in a real NFL game, Watson’s ACLs are looking a little weak and they don’t make it through 4 quarters.

Plus, Texans head coach Lovie Smith could use a W after this awkward ass press conference following Houston’s 9th loss on Sunday:

This interaction later in the press conference between Lovie Smith and reporters was noteworthy. pic.twitter.com/X0rN7sdLn6

— DJ Bien-Aime (@Djbienaime) November 27, 2022