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The Deadseriousness [Insert Name of Gambling Company Here] NFL Picks of the Week

It’s time for Deadseriousness to get some of these gambling company checks so here are some NFL picks hopefully soon-to-be sponsored.

nfl picks

Alright, time to get some of that sweet, sweet gambling money every company is drowning in. I saw a Hawk Tuah podcast clip with a gambling ad watermarked over. If you asked her to explain the game of basketball, I don’t think she could make it 60 seconds without a racial slur slipping out.

I, too, would like the bag.

So yea, if any sports gambling app wants to sponsor the Deadseriousness NFL Picks of the Week then by all means, we are open for business.

I will sell out and write Russian propaganda if the check clears. I will interrupt the next 50 articles with UnitedHealthcare ads as Green Arrow pushes its CFO off a skyscraper.

Call me, DraftKings…or Israel.

Whatever.

Same thing.

Anyway, here are the Deadseriousness [Insert Name of Gambling Company] NFL Picks for Week 14:

Carolina Panthers (3-9) at Philadelphia Eagles (10-2)

Line: Philadelphia -12

nfl picks

The Eagles are on an 8-game winning streak.

It started with unimpressive victories over the ghost of Deshaun Watson and a practice squad safety the Giants had out there playing quarterback for some reason.

As of late, and much more noteworthy, Philly’s beat up Cincinnati, Washington, Los Angeles and now Baltimore last week.

But they haven’t met the new Bryce Young.

In Carolina’s 26-23 loss to the Bucs last week, Bryce had a combined 315 yards and 2 total touchdowns.

The former no. 1 pick is cooking right now.

Carolina can keep it within 12 points.

Pick: Eagles -12

 

Yeaaaa, Jalen Carter is about to send Bryce Yong to the Special Olympics, brother.

This Eagles defense is full of murderers and Bryce Young, the teeniest, tiniest QB in the NFL, is the most murder-able of them all.

New York Jets (3-9) at Miami Dolphins (5-7)

Line: Miami -6.5

nfl picks

Aaron Rodgers has lost 9 of his last 10 starts.

His 58.3 completion percentage against the Seattle Seahawks last week was his second-worst outing of the year.

He is getting worse, week after week, and now he’s debuting a new Netflix documentary about him smoking crack in hidden caverns surrounded by women who quit their office jobs and started scamming old white men into paying exorbitant fees for their spiritual healing sessions.

Very cool and normal and regular, man.

Personally, if I were Rodgers I’d be trying to win football games so that I can retire on my own terms—maintaining my legacy as one of the greatest to ever do it—instead of being cut and quietly ushered out of the NFL behind the scenes without ever getting that well-deserved farewell.

Oh well.

Pick: Dolphins -6

Some Dolphins players had a problem with their head coach, Mike McDaniel, shivering in their 30-17 loss in Wisconsin.

Fortunately, this game is in Miami and we don’t have to worry about temperatures—although it is hilarious that the Dolphins Achilles Heel is outside.

Las Vegas Raiders (2-10) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-6)

Line: Tampa Bay -7

nfl picks

I NEVER know who the Raiders QB1 will be.

It could be Gardner Minshew (get well soon), Aidan O’Connell, Desmond Ridder, Antonio Pierce, Rich Gannon—anyone could jog onto the field for that opening Raiders drive.

But I thought Aidan O’Connell had a little sauce last week.

I reckon throwing to Trump’s bald little soldier, Brock Bowers, would make any mediocre quarterback look like they have a little juice.

Pick: Raiders +7

The Bucs barely squeezed past Carolina and the Raiders almost beat the Kansas City Chiefs.

7 points is a disrespectful line for this Raiders team.

New Orleans Saints (4-8) at New York Giants (2-10)

Line: New Orleans -5

nfl picks

After Daniel Jones was driven to the airport and Tommy DeVito got the marinara beat out of him, it appears the keys have landed in Drew Lock’s lap.

Sucks.

Pick: Saints -5

The Giants are dogshit.

A roster of guys who cannot wait to start their vacations so they can return to New Jersey next year with new bosses who are capable of building a successful football program the way Washington just randomly did overnight this season—the Giants might need even have 53 guys who feel like showing up this week.

Atlanta Falcons (6-6) at Minnesota Vikings (10-2)

Line: Minnesota -6

nfl picks

This is one of the most important football games of the season.

After maintaining a cushy lead in the NFC South, the Falcons are on a 3-game losing streak, averaging just 12 points a game.

300-year-old Kirk Cousins has 0 touchdowns and SIX (6) interceptions in the losing streak.

Cousins leads the NFL in interceptions.

Beautiful touch pass to the Chargers.

Meanwhile, the Vikings have the 5th best defense in the NFL.

Pick: Vikings -6

This is the game my boy Michael Penis finally gets to prove why he was deserving of being drafted by a team that just paid a bajillion dollars to the guy leading the NFL in interceptions.

Cleveland Browns (3-9) at Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)

Line: Pittsburgh -6.5

nfl picks

God-fearing Russell Wilson against an organization that invested a billion dollars in their Russian egg doll of sex pest QBs.

The Browns snuck a win off the Steelers a couple weeks ago in a game played in Antarctica.

However, Russell Wilson is coming off one of the best starts of his entire life.

Russell Wilson is 36.

In Denver, Russ played like he was being asked to throw a shotput instead of a football.

In Pittsburgh, he’s likely eating stem cells for lunch or something.

Pick: Pittsburgh -6.5

I don’t think god will be answering Jameis Winston’s prayers.

God isn’t delivering Jameis from pick-sixes. He’s too busy helping Russell Wilson get a statue in Pittsburgh next to Jerome Bettis and Mike and Molly.

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10) at Tennessee Titans (3-9)

Line: Tennessee -3.5

Azeez Al-Shaair

I don’t have much to say about this.

I reckon this game is about NFL Draft position so the loser is actually the winner.

Honestly, with Trevor Lawrence most likely shut down for the season after Azeez Al-Shaair decapitated him, this game doesn’t even exist to me.

The season’s almost over and the Jags have won just 2 more games than I have.

Pick: Titans -3.5

I know I waited for Week 14 to start giving these NFL picks but I want to make one thing extremely clear: I will never be putting MY money on Mac fucking Jones.


Nooooooope.

Seattle Seahawks (7-5) at Arizona Cardinals (6-6)

Line: Arizona -3

nfl picks

Last time the Seahawks and Cardinals faced off (2 weeks ago), the Cardinals were on a 4-game winning streak while the Seahawks had only won 2 of their previous 7 games.

Then Seattle beat Arizona 16-6 and are on a 2-game winning streak heading into the rematch as the Cardinals stumble in on a losing streak.

The NFL is weird.

Pick: Seahawks +3

I think the Cardinals win this game but it’ll be a 1-point finish.

Or the Seahawks win.

Whatever.

Either way, the Cardinals have given me no reason to believe they can comfortably beat any team. I’ll take the team on the 3-game winning streak, about to take a stranglehold of the division over the team limping into the game like Mad Max.

Buffalo Bills (10-2) at Los Angeles Rams (6-6)

Line: Buffalo -4

nfl week 13

The Rams miiiiiight be in for a beatdown. Like, they’re battling every week despite turning over an aging roster and scrapping and clawing but yea, Josh Allen is built different.

The Bills are the 2nd-highest scoring team in the NFL. The Rams haven’t scored more than 21 points in awhile.

Plus, Stafford suffered an ankle injury last week.

Pick: Bills -4

I love the LA Rams. I also think the Bills are about to execute their 2024 season.

Chicago Bears (4-8) at San Francisco 49ers (5-7)

Line: San Francisco -3.5

nfl week 6

 

Pick: Bears +3.5

Based on absolutely nothing but vibes, I’m going with the Chicago Bears to rally behind their interim head coach, Thomas Brown—the way the Raiders did last season with Antonio Pierce.

And instead of hiring an offensive mastermind like Kliff Kingsbury in Washington, Chicago will keep Thomas Brown—remaining stuck in purgatory much like the Raiders.

Los Angeles Chargers (8-4) at Kansas City Chiefs (11-1)

Line: Kansas City -4

nfl power rankings

Patrick Mahomes has 11 interceptions.

Justin Herbert has 1.

Herbert has the best interception rate in the NFL.

He only throws the ball to his guys while Mahomes has some fun playing around with pass rushers in the backfield to make his day more interesting before looking up last second and chucking it as hard as he can to Travis Kelce or whoever’s over there.

The Chiefs are treating this regular season as a playground to try whatever and they almost went undefeated. Imagine how dominant they’d look if they, like, tried to be dominant?

Unfortunately, Jim Harbaugh has the Chargers laser-focused.

Well, everyone except Quentin Johnston…

Pick: Chargers +4

Kansas City beat Aidan O’Connell’s Raiders by 1.

Win, lose or draw, this game will be within 4 points.

Cincinnati Bengals (4-8) at Dallas Cowboys (5-7)

Line: Cincinnati -5.5

nfl power rankings

The Cincinnati Bengals are my favorite team this year. This is one of the most fun offenses in the league.

Joe Burrow leads the NFL with 30 touchdown passes and 3,337 passing yards.

Ja’Marr Chase is 3rd with 79 catches and 1st with 1,142 receiving yards and 13 touchdowns.

The Bengals have the best passing offense in the league which they need because their defense lets opposing teams effortlessly walk to the endzone like local Make-A-Wish kids allowed on the field before the game to take photos.

Pick: Cowboys +5.5

The Cowboys aren’t good.

Narrowly escaping Drew Lock isn’t a great look for Dallas but the Bengals are on a 3-game losing streak and their season is over. Wasted.

All the “if Joe Burrow stays healthy” discourse before the season didn’t matter.

Burrow is healthy as hell and he’ll be watching the playoffs at the bar next to us.

 

 

 

 

Hey, Fanduel, come sponsor these NFL picks. I dare you. Cowards.

 

 

 

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Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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