Last year, before the start of the 2025-26 NBA season, the FBI kicked down the Clippers doors, demanding to speak with head coach Ty Lue regarding his participation in illegal poker games—the mafia tricking marks into losing hundreds of thousands using equipment to manipulate cards and celebrities like Ty Lue to launder the game’s reputation.
A year later, the Justice Department is back on the Clippers front lawn, megaphone in hand, “COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, ” as Steve Ballmer texts Ramona Shelburne new lies to report as fact, unquestioned.
[RELATED: Ramona Shelburne is My Favorite Reporter]
Earlier this month the Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen & Katz law firm hired by the NBA to investigate Steve Ballmer for potential salary cap circumvention shared their findings, the league found Ballmer guilty on all charges, a year suspension from the team, a fine and future draft picks lost.
[RELATED: Steve Ballmer Did It.]
As expected. Steve Ballmer spent his free time hatching schemes, resurrecting a dying, corrupt Aspiration company just so they could continue sending Kawhi Leonard extra millions off the books for no-show sponsorship jobs. Companies who’ve never had public celebrity sponsors for their products, Daktronics scoreboards and Boingo Wireless, a mobile carrier for like, Wifi usage at airports. These are not businesses historically wiring NBA players millions, secretly, to not even advertise for them.
Yes, this breaks NBA rules, but this also just straight up sounds like a crime.
And now the Department of Justice zeroes in on Ballmer’s weird ass plot, a scam that felt against the law as each detail emerged.
Why is the DoJ really investigating Steve Ballmer?
The Trump administration’s handcuffed the FBI and DOJ, forcing them to chase their own tails, pointing them at fires only visible to the keen, discerning eye of the president—like election fraud and people he personally does not like.
Millions of emails and witness statements, little girls saying “Donald Trump raped me on Epstein Island”, all lay redacted in dark closets and basements, never to see the light of day again. The president, instead, restricting the justice department, sending them in pursuit of needles in various haystacks while he eats cartoonishly large turkey legs—reminiscing of the days he and big Jeffrey used to run through elemantary schools.
But the political actors in the administration who understand the need to garner some positive public favor know that sports is the final unifying force in this nation.
It’s why the FBI was torturing Terry Rozier like the Taliban, demanding that Terry to break down the thousand-dollar operation. It’s why Mark Walter is selling every asset he has to pay back these premium insurace contracts he stole to pay those assets.
[RELATED: Totally Innocent Man Sells NBA Team To State]
In America, becoming a billionaire means you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want. Elon Musk spent billions to alter election results, he did successfully, and faced zero consequences. You can go to an island with Clinton and Trump, two presidents, and just pick the hottest teenage Russian runaway to jizz on and nothing bad happens.
HOWEVER, if you’re a billionaire who owns a sports franchise, well, now you’re being watched by the Feds, open to investigation whenever the White House needs to make the have-nots feel like they matter.
Ted Cruz is on ESPN this weekend pretending to care about people and we let them.
The Clippers were so close to becoming something special, finally owned by a man who genuinely loves the game of basketball and this sport, willing to spend all his time hatching get-kawhi-rich-quick-schemes to make his superstar happy, and he could face prison time because the GOP needs a W before midterms.
Personally, I’m saying “no” to Kawhi after his very first demand of “bring Paul George too”. That’s when the Clippers should’ve known they weren’t about to win shit.
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