Only God Can Judge Me...Oh, and That Guy Who Raped and Impregnated a 13 Year Old Girl

2023 All-Star Weekend is upon us. The best basketball players on planet Earth face off in an All-Star game. The best shooters compete in a 3-point contest. And 4 random guys no one’s heard of take turns performing dunks we’ve already seen before in front of a bored crowd of their peers and their peers’s hoes for the weekend.

And that odd dunk contest just became completely unwatchable thanks to a terrible decision by the NBA.

Presenting 2023 #ATTSlamDunk Judge.. Karl Malone! #StateFarmSaturday: Feb. 18, TNT pic.twitter.com/PzGT9003CC

— #NBAAllStar (@NBAAllStar) February 15, 2023

Fuck Karl Malone.

I understand why the NBA considered bringing Karl Malone into the fold. The All-Star game takes place in Salt Lake City and Karl Malone is the best player in the history of the franchise. He’s a 2-time MVP and had the 3rd most points in NBA history. Cool.

He also got his 13-year old neighbor pregnant when he was a 20-year-old college student and proceeded to fight tooth and nail to avoid raising the kid or providing any child support for the woman whose life he radically altered.

That alone makes Malone someone who should never be celebrated but his victim, Gloria Bell, has said that the reason her family never pressed charges is because Karl was a popular boy in the neighborhood heading to the NBA and they didn’t want to take away his future.

Karl Malone was GIFTED with freedom from the consequences of his nasty actions and all he had to do was slip the mom and son some cash every month but instead elected to go to court to claim the child wasn’t his.

But that shouldn’t have surprised the Bell family because Karl Malone had already gotten someone else in town pregnant when he was 17 and refused to help raise those twins.

His son with the little tiny teenage girl ended up playing in the NFL. One of the twins he pretended weren’t his ended up playing in the WNBA. And thank god because these stories may not have resurfaced if his children weren’t also professional athletes with Wikipedia pages and cameras in their faces after every game.

Now, there may be people out there who ‘believe in second chances’ and we can’t ‘cancel’ people based on mistakes they made when they were younger—first of all, you guys are losers—but ask Karl Malone about Kobe Bryant’s wife.

In 2004 when the Lakers signed 40 year old Karl Malone to play alongside Kobe and Shaq, ESPN reported on a fight between Malone and Kobe after Malone got suuuuuper weird and pervy with Kobe’s wife.

“Karl and his son were at the game sitting in the front row,” (Rob Pelinka, Kobe’s Agent) said. “Vanessa was on the cell phone talking to Karl’s wife, Kay, and Vanessa said that her son looked bored. Kay told her to call Karl to have her son join her in her seats. Kay gave Vanessa Karl’s cell number and she called him. When she called, Karl’s response was, ‘Why don’t you come over here and sit next to me and give me a big hug?’ Vanessa said, ‘Why? For what?’ And Karl replied, ‘If you do that it will be on the cover of every magazine in the country.’”

“Vanessa didn’t know what to say because this was the first time she had ever spoken to Malone without Kobe or Kay being around. Karl continued. ‘Do you like me?’ Malone asked her, to which Vanessa said, ‘As my friend, Kay’s husband,’” Pelinka said.

“From there Malone asked Vanessa if she could keep a secret, and that he would like to tell her something. At which point Vanessa told him she was a married woman and he was a married man who was old enough to be her father. To which Malone replied, ‘Oh, like your daddy?’ At that point she told me she ended the conversation,” Pelinka said.

Real quick, shout out to Rob Pelinka for being the main source for this story. Such a chatty little patty.

But yea, fuck Karl Malone. As much as I love mocking Michael Jordan, I have to give him endless praise for singlehandedly preventing Karl Malone from ever winning an NBA title. Sucks that the NBA has continued to pretend as if Malone isn’t always one beer away from speaking like Andrew Tate and two beers away from behaving like Andrew Tate.