Injecting Any and All Matt Ryan Propaganda Directly Into My Eyeball

Matt Ryan is one of my favorite NFL players to follow because he is essentially Kirk Cousins with a few more wins under his belt which led to an MVP award and one of the most embarrassing Super Bowl losses in NFL history.

Here are the numbers Matt Ryan somehow put up in 2016:

4,944 yards
38 touchdowns
7 interceptions
69.9% completion percentage
9.3 yards per attempt
117.1 quarterback rating
MVP

Following his strange 2016 MVP season, Ryan spent the next 5 seasons doing absolutely nothing of note. 4 out of those 5 seasons ended with a losing record. He became the poster child of what happens when you give your QB a massive contract and immediately lose the salary cap flexibility to bring in talented players to help him. And Ryan is nowhere near good enough to carry a team on his back.

He is now entering the best possible position a 37-year old at the end of his career could find himself in: replacing Carson Wentz. Ryan’s stock has taken off simply because he’s not Wentz.

Look at who Matt Ryan is replacing:

what in the world are the Colts doing in the redzone #LARvsIND pic.twitter.com/I2JBNxQwlL

— Slightly Biased (@BiasedSlightly) September 19, 2021

Carson Wentz threw an interception on a shovel pass at the goal line. Wentz has the worst looking turnovers in NFL history. Every time he drops back, his brain goes blank. Not a single good decision is made.

What was Wentz thinking?! 😖pic.twitter.com/vH8VcD7zpF

— Yahoo Sports NFL (@YahooSportsNFL) October 31, 2021

Carson Wentz is a sicko. He’s the guy you work with that forces your boss to sit everyone down and remind everyone of the company’s safety protocols because Wentz keeps falling off ladders and accidentally stapling his own hands.

Here’s what Colts head coach, Frank Reich, recently said about the GREAT Matt Ryan:

“Every quarterback at this level is a good passer. But then there are guys that are at another level, in another zip code. I mean, his statistics bear out that he’s very accurate, but I probably didn’t fully appreciate just how good of a passer he was. In my mind, he’s in that elite category of accuracy, it’s just effortless. Just pure passing ability and accuracy. Or the way Matt talks about it, it’s D.T.A.—decision-making, timing and accuracy. His decision-making, timing and accuracy is elite.”

These are all things you say after watching Carson Wentz for a season be widely inaccurate and making atrocious decisions with the football. If you dated a girl who never bathed then all your next girlfriend has to do is shower regularly and you’ll feel like you found your soulmate.

Michael Pittman Jr.
On Matt Ryan’s accuracy: you just catch it, turn and run pic.twitter.com/zpRl5hVWfJ

— Mike Chappell (@mchappell51) May 25, 2022

Beat throw I’ve seen at practice the past few weeks: Matt Ryan just rifled a dart past the corner and under the safety for a TD to Nyheim Hines.

Ryan’s accuracy is what’s different this spring. Stands out in every practice.

— Zak Keefer (@zkeefer) June 8, 2022

I asked @Colts CB Stephon Gilmore about his impression of Matt Ryan so far:

“Matty Ice, he’s been making plays for a long time. He can put the ball anywhere.”

Ryan’s accuracy and anticipation have been eye-popping in OTA/minicamp practices, and he’s flashed plenty of zip, too.

— JJ Stankevitz (@JJStankevitz) June 8, 2022

Matt Ryan is just so fucking accurate.

This is hilarious. All of these stories are coming from June practices with no real defense or pressure or anyone really putting in much of an effort but everyone is in such awe of him. Like, how bad was Carson Wentz playing in practice?

I will never forget when the Jets kicked Christian Hackenberg out of practice because he was so terrible. However, Hackenberg never threw a pass in an NFL game. Wentz is a starter everywhere he goes despite closing his eyes and just chucking the ball with no clue where it’s going to land.

The Colts will most likely make the playoffs next season competing in a division with a team cleaning up Urban Meyers’s old Bud Light bottles and another team that helped their former quarterback sexually assault every massage therapist in a 50-mile radius.

Ryan is going to be praised all year long just by making fewer mistakes than Ryan Tannehill while Tannehill is more focused on trying to prevent Malik Willis from stealing his job.

Just genius marketing by Matt Ryan—the man with two generic first names—who is going to use this season to solidify his place as a Hall of Famer even though he isn’t as good as any of the quarterbacks in the Hall of Fame.

Please keep leaking more stories about how accurate he is. They will all be fantastic screenshots when the Colts finish 7-10.