I Hope Taylor Lautner Finds What He's Looking For

This Taylor Swift Eras Tour movie is a big deal to a lot of people.

Personally, it feels like Taylor Swift makes music for people who have never experienced trauma.

Taylor Swift’s music is for people whose worst day was when their car ran out of gas and they cried in their driver’s seat on the shoulder of the highway until their dad came with a gallon or two an hour later.

Her tour made her a billionaire and now this movie about her tour is going to give her enough money to pay Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg to finally have that UFC fight but like, this time they could fight to the death. Or pay them to kiss. Or way more if Taylor is into that.

The NFL is about to rename the Super Bowl after her if she keeps showing up at Travis Kelce games and spiking ratings by just celebrating in a press box with Travis’s tired, old mother and Patrick Mahomes’s military wife ¹.

Everyone is excited about this woman. And not everyone knows how to control their excitement.

Like the werewolf boy in Twilight, Tayor Lautner, shaking his little canine bussy in a theatre for teenage girls:

Taylor Lautner at a ‘ERAS TOUR’ screening. pic.twitter.com/JqOUU0L8ZG

— Film Updates (@FilmUpdates) October 14, 2023

So let’s take a step back here. I don’t think you understand how strange this is.

Let’s talk about what it is you are supposed to do in a movie theatre:

Find your seats quickly and quietly
No jokes. Like, whatever was so funny when you were walking down that little tunnel/hallway is deaded when you enter the seating room.
Open your little snacks quickly and quietly. No plastic or paper ruffling.
Only chew popcorn during the loud parts of the movie. No one should be crunching when it’s silent.
Put your fucking phone away.
Shut up

If you notice, none of the things I listed including doing backflips or touching the theatre floor full of spilled Sierra Mist and jizz.

That’s how Taylor Swift makes these people feel.

Her songs come on and you have to get up and do the wackest shit that comes to your mind. It’s hypnotizing. Taylor Swift is blasting near me, I might do a cartwheel and the gayest little hip moves anyone’s ever seen.

I imagine it has an even stronger effect for a guy like Taylor Lautner who used to date Swift back in 2019. He knows her perfectly. He knows the passion that goes into those lyrics made for 2007 AIM away messages.

So of course he and his wife—also named Taylor Lautner—had no choice but to breakdance on the theatre floor for a bunch of high school girls who are all dating the same 3 boys and lying to each other about it.

I hope Taylor Lautner is okay. ² He hasn’t worked since 2016 and he’s doing handstands at the movie version of his ex’s billion-dollar concert.

Robert Pattison is filming a Batman movie and Taylor Lautner is making me want to rip my skin off. I feel awkward just watching it. More awkward than that feeling after you bowl and you have to turn around and walk back to your seat with everyone looking at you.

Is Taylor Lauter…Okay? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let’s figure out the closest treatment center to Lautner’s home.

I know she’s not actually a military wife but you know what I mean. You feel the vibes. You see her gums.
The actor Taylor Lautner. Not his wife, Taylor Lautner.