Guy Who Thinks The USWNT Lost Because They Were Too Woke

The following is the stream of consciousness of the guy who thinks the USWNT lost in the World Cups stage of 16 because the players are too “woke” or whatever.

Driving to the gym listening to “Try That In A Small Town” by Jason Aldean on repeat while chugging a Prime energy drink. Still pissed at my wife for making the eggs too runny. I like my eggs runny but not that runny.

Bitch.

Gary’s here. I’ve known Gary since I was 5.

We grew up on the same street. We still live on the same street now because we just stayed in the same house and waited for our parents to finally move out and give us the houses.

Gary comes up to me and asks me how funny is it that the women’s soccer team lost in the World Cup. I laugh hysterically. I actually had no idea it was the World Cup until he mentioned it but I’m glad they lost.

I jokingly tell Gary they were probably too woke to win. He spits out his prework laughing. I’m so fucking funny.

Gary asks if I could believe Megan Rapinoe missed the penalty kick that lost the game for the women’s team.

I’m not entirely sure who that is. I only know the hot one and the one with pink hair. I assume he’s talking about the one with pink hair.

“She shouldn’t have knelt during the National Anthem,” I say to Gary. I never watched any of their games but I think I read about this happening. Or at the very least, it sounds like something those assholes would do.

“Go woke, go broke” Gary says.

I ask him to remind me again what woke bullshit they did because I don’t really pay attention to soccer but I’m sure it has something to do with Bud Light.

Gary goes into a speech about how they went to court to get equal pay but in reality, they just wanted more money than the men’s team.

“Yea, the wage gap is BS,” I add to the convo. Gary nods along. I nailed it.

Gary continues on and on about how greedy they are and keeps mentioning how much his ex-wife took from him in their divorce but I’m barely listening because I’m staring at the hot girl doing squats next to us.

Next thing I know, the front desk guy is asking me to leave because I’m making that girl uncomfortable. I tell him she reminds me of my daughter and for some reason, a second front desk guy comes over to walk me out. If she didn’t want me to look at her, she shouldn’t have been dressed like that.

“Slut,” I say under my breath. Apparently, I’m now banned for a month.

This fucking woke culture, man.

You can’t even look at girls anymore without being treated like you’re the bad guy. This is why the USWNT lost. All anyone cares about now is being a feminist and hating men.

I bet if I told them I identified as a woman, they’d let me in the locker room with that girl. I should show up tomorrow in a wig and see if they let me in. Let’s see how woke they really are.

I keep checking my phone waiting for my daughter to text me Happy Birthday but I guess she’s still mad at me for my Facebook post calling the new Little Mermaid woke propaganda and fighting with her mother in the comments.

*turns “Try That In A Small Town” all the way up in the dirtiest-looking car anyone has ever seen*

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