Deadseriousness NFL Power Rankings: Jordan Love Has Arrived and Brock Purdy Wins MVP

Yes, I am releasing the first Deadseriousness NFL Power Rankings on the start of Week 14 but this has easily been one of the worst football seasons of all time—both as a Giants fan and as a guy who doesn’t like watching teams have no idea how to play football anymore. There are like, 2 good teams and 30 that are just vibing out there.

Let’s start up the first (and probably last) Deadseriousness NFL Power Rankings of the 2023 season:

32. Carolina Panthers

With rumors swirling about Panthers owner, David Tepper, firing head coach Frank Reich because Reich wanted to draft CJ Stroud instead of Bryce Young, Tepper stepped up and let everyone know that it was HIM who wanted the no. 1 pick to draft Stroud.

The only problem is, uh, Bryce Young is still very much the starting quarterback and Frank Reich is long gone.

Not sure what Tepper gained from publicly saying he doesn’t like his rookie QB but whatever.

It’s your team, bro.

Do your thing.

31, New England Patriots

I can’t say the Patriots are the worst team when they are intentionally tanking but I still don’t know if I trust Bill Belichick with another new rookie QB.

He singlehandedly destroyed Mac Jones’s NFL career so he could prove he didn’t need Brady or Josh McDaniels or anyone else in the building who has a fraction of the football knowledge he has.

Perhaps Caleb Williams will be so transcendent that his skill outshines Belichick’s attempts to stifle it.

30. New York Jets

How to build a franchise quarterback 101:

1. Draft him no. 2 overall.

2. Surround him with a defensive head coach, a first-time offensive coordinator, a QB room with Joe Flacco smoking cigs and rolling his eyes, and the worst offensive line in the NFL.

3. Trade for an elderly sociopath who is basically just Joe Flacco but smokes weed instead of Marlboros and then have him play behind that shitty offensive line on a football field designed by the guy from Saw to punish professional football players for their hubris.

4. Bring back the franchise quarterback after replacing him with the now-injured elderly sociopath only to bench him for the elderly sociopath’s buddy who might be the worst quarterback in NFL history but somehow continues to get playing opportunities.

5. Reluctantly ask the franchise quarterback to come back after you realize that the elderly sociopath is, in fact, the worst quarterback in NFL history and just pretend this whole situation isn’t awkward as hell.

The New York Jets are on step 5 this week. Super Bowl soon cometh.

29. Las Vegas Raiders

The Raiders 2023 season is already over.

The coach is gone.

The GM is gone.

The starting quarterback is benched.

At least they can watch some local A’s games soon.

28. Washington Commanders

Normally, I would mock Washington for getting blown out by the Miami Dolphins but this year, most teams get blown out by the Miami Dolphins.

I’ve also convinced myself that Sam Howell is this generation’s Jamies Winston/Ryan Fitzpatrick and if Washington continuing to lose means there’s a new coaching staff dedicated to unlocking this player-type’s ultimate potential then I am celebrating the Commanders’s losses.

NFL defenses and analytical offenses have eliminated the gunslinger from the game.

Defenses only allow receivers to catch passes like, 10 yards deep and analytics have informed quarterbacks that interceptions are the devil so no one outside of Josh Allen tosses that shit around anymore.

Free Sam Howell.

27. Arizona Cardinals

Uh, the Cardinals beat the Steelers and I have no idea what that means for either team.

I hope Kyler Murray finds whatever magic he had a couple years back but I want to give a quick shout-out to James Conner rushing for 105 yards and getting in the endzone twice. I see you, king.

James Conner’s second TD against his former team!

📺: #AZvsPIT on CBS
📱: Stream on #NFLPlus https://t.co/xvCjbLUIcN pic.twitter.com/NW9wolNZ6A

— NFL (@NFL) December 3, 2023

26. Chicago Bears

It was rumored this week the Chicago Bears were interested in Washington Commaders offensive coordinator, Eric Beniemy as their next head coach.

I feel like there’s something off about Bieniemy no one is telling us because if he was going to be a head coach, it would’ve happened by now.

Hopefully, they draft a new QB and free Justin Fields from whatever strange experiment Chicago has planned for next season.

25. New York Giants

AYYYYY TOMMY DEVITO IS FRIGGIN WALKIN HEAAAAAAAAAA.

This man has not lost a game he’s started.

I am ready to hand the reigns to this 25-year-old rookie whose favorite meal is Ma’s alfredo sauce.

24. Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers BARELY beat the New England Patriots this week.

You should be capable of scoring more than zero touchdowns against a football team that is intentionally trying to lose football games and your starting quarterback is Justin Herbert.

And that’s not a shot at Herbert.

He is playing with a group of skill players who all bet the unders on all of Herbert’s numbers.

The Los Angeles DraftKings need to be investigated.

23. Tennesee Titans

I’m not sure if I should mock the Titans for letting Gardner Minshew put up 312 yards and 2 touchdowns on their heads because everyone is letting Minshew go crazy.

But Tennesee’s loss to Indianapolis this week rolled the credits on their playoff hopes but at least they know their rookie QB, Will Levis, can ball a little.

And shout out to my guy Azeez Al-Shaair playing on a 1-year deal and having the best season of his life with the most tackles (114) and QB hits (5) of his career.

This week, he used the league’s “My Clause, My Cleats” as an opportunity to represent the Palestinian children’s relief fund.

Round of applause to a real one.

PAY this man in the offseason.

22. New Orleans Saints

I’ve convinced myself that offensive line quality is like 10% technique and 90% giving a shit about keeping your quarterback alive.

Derek Carr has been crushed and sent into concussion protocol twice in the last 3 weeks.

This team is rejecting their Derek Carr transplant.

If Jameis Winston gets sacked 3 or fewer times, my suspicions will be confirmed.

They’re trying to make that crybaby quit.

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Mike Evans’s 162-yard day solidified his 10th consecutive season with 1,000+ receiving yards.

Here are some guys who have played quarterback during this decade in dominance by Evans:

Mike Glennon
Josh McCown
Jameis Winston
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Blaine Gabbart
Whatever the fuck Tom Brady’s old ass was doing last year
Baker Mayfield

I’m putting Mike Evans in the Hall of Fame today.

20. Denver Broncos

Russell Wilson ended a 14-play 4th quarter drive down 17-22 with a nasty game-ending interception.

Everyone always wants to let that man ‘cook’ without realizing he’s out here cooking with dogshit.

Denver has two road games against Los Angeles and Detroit coming up.

This week’s loss to Houston might start a playoff-destroying losing streak.

19. Cincinnati Bengals

Oh no, Joe Burrow is injured. Better throw this season in the trash.

In the biggest moment of his career so far, @jake_browning stepped up and kept the @Bengals in the playoff hunt. 🔥 pic.twitter.com/YvhXXdJZh3

— NFL (@NFL) December 5, 2023

JK Jake Browning is the best QB of all time.

Here’s what Browning did against the Jaguars this week:

32-for-37 (86%)
354 yards
1 passing touchdown
1 rushing touchdown
115.5 passer rating

And of course, a W.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers

A team with 2 wins came to Pittsburgh’s house and beat their asses in front of their wives and children. In front of all the hoes.

Even kicked Kenny Pickett out of the house as he now has to deal with a knee injury for the next month.

But somehow, some way, the Steelers are still 7-5 and very much in the playoff picture.

Mike Tomlin’s name should already be printed on this year’s Coach of the Year trophy.

17. Seattle Seahawks

The sky is falling in Seattle.

Two weeks ago, they should’ve beat the Rams but instead they lost by a single point leading to this 3-game losing streak landing them in 3rd place in the NFC West.

OH, and Seattle still has San Francisco and Philadelphia in back-to-back weeks so a 5-game losing streak feels inevitable.

After years of benefitting from catching East Coast teams off guard with a cross-country trip to Washington, the Seahawks are finally getting their season ruined by an impossible schedule.

Suck it.

16. Atlanta Falcons

If this were college football, the Atlanta Falcons would win their division and still miss the playoffs because this team doesn’t stand a chance against the 49ers or Eagles but fortunately, the NCAA doesn’t have their nasty fingers over this league.

But I have to give Atlanta credit.

Their defense made Tim Boyle have to go update his LinkedIn page.

When you embarrass a quarterback so badly they get released, you won the week.

Tim Boyle is about to be a used car salesman thanks to Week 13 against the Falcons.

15. Minnesota Vikings

Every year, there is one team that I simply do not have the emotional bandwidth to pretend to care about and this year, it’s the Minnesota Vikings.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Or congrats.

I don’t know.

Anyway, subscribe to my newsletter where I write about things I actually care about.

14. Cleveland Browns

Joe Flacco woke up from a midday hungover nap with Limitless replaying on TNT and casually threw for 254 yards and 2 touchdowns.

My man had cotton mouth and outplayed whatever Deshaun Watson was doing all year.

Marlboro Joe Flacco🚬 came to Cleveland to smoke cigs and throw touchdown passes.

…and he’s all out of cigs pic.twitter.com/cZFz9MZ5q5

— Dead Serious (@Deadseriousness) December 3, 2023

The problem is, the Browns cannot win on the West Coast.

Since 1999, Cleveland has played 18 West games. They’ve won 3 of those 18 games.

The Rams won this game the second the Browns got to the airport.

13. Buffalo Bills

The Bills are probably better than this ranking but this team gives off horrible vibes.

The defensive coordinator quit and was never replaced.

Stefon Diggs didn’t want to come back.

They lost to the Jets after Aaron Rodgers’s tire popped 5 seconds into the game.

The offensive coordinator was thrown under the bus.

Von Miller is strangling his girlfriend and playing on Sunday like it didn’t happen.

Uh, let’s see how they come back from their bye week.

12. Los Angeles Rams

While the Seahawks have lost 3 games in a row, the Rams are on a 3-game winning streak. Before we hand Tyreek Hill an MVP award, can we give Puka Nacua some love for how easily he ends up with 100 yards? Nacua is carrying an offense in the same way Hill is.

11. Indianapolis Colts

Death. Taxes. Gardner Minshew coming off the bench and surprisingly winning games despite not appearing to have any of the tools necessary to succeed in the NFL but finds a way to will out victories.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jags have a lotttt of problems they need to sort out. Trevor Lawrence rolled his ankle this week. A former employee was caught stealing $22 million from the organization.

Christian Kirk’s balls may have exploded here pic.twitter.com/QjCt76Ya9v

— Bussin’ With The Boys (@BussinWTB) December 5, 2023

And Christian Kirk’s testicles exploded.

All hell is breaking loose in Jacksonville.

9. Houston Texans

CJ Stroud is so great at football, people in other cities are being fired.

Frank Reich is unemployed right now because Stroud is such a beast.

Stroud has 20 touchdowns to only 5 interceptions.

Patrick Mahomes has been in the league for 7 years and has twice as many interceptions as this rookie.

8. Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions are 9-fucking-3???!

7. Green Bay Packers

You want to know how I know the NFL has dramatically changed from the game I started watching 2 decades ago? The starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers has an afro.

Deadseriousness is officially a Jordan Love GeoCities fan page.

Oh and now he just put up 3 touchdowns and beat the Kansas City Chiefs in front of the Time Person of the Year.

Jordan Love beat the Lions on Thanksgiving in front of everyone’s grandmothers and now he beat the Chiefs in front of Taylor Swift.

A superstar is being born right before our eyes.

6. Philadelphia Eagles

You can’t literally get punched in your mouth the way Philadelphia did and be a Top 5 team in the NFL.

I can’t even look at this team the same way.

This is like when I went on a first date with a girl and she was the one and then I showed up for the second date and she was already 2 margaritas deep stumbling to the bathroom and I realized she wasn’t the girl I thought she was. She had problems I couldn’t solve.

The Eagles had too many margaritas on Sunday and they lost their phone so someone else had to call an Uber home for them.

5. Dallas Cowboys

I can proudly say I have watched zero Dallas Cowboys games this year after their week 1 dismantling of my beloved Giants.

They seem to be playing well or whatever.

Ok.

4. Miami Dolphins

Any time the Miami Dolphins jog onto the field, there’s a possibility they score 100 points without Tua Tagovailoa breaking a sweat.

Shout out to whoever was in that front office meeting and said out loud “What if all of our players were faster than their players”.

That guy deserves a raise.

3. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs are weird this year, man. It almost feels like they’re coasting sometimes. Like they’re waiting for the playoffs to start so they can finally start trying.

And I reckon when you’re in the Super Bowl every year, you can take it easy against the Green Bay Packers but you shouldn’t.

Mahomes doesn’t step his shit up and his wife might not be allowed to hang with Taylor and Selena Gomez anymore.

2. Baltimore Ravens

The more I think about it, the more I hate how high I ranked the Ravens here. Not because I don’t believe they’re going to the Super Bowl, because I believe they’ll be there.

But I hate how everyone seems to have forgotten how the Ravens treated Lamar Jackson in the offseason. Baltimore pretended as if Lamar was some scrub who didn’t deserve a new contract and now they’re the best team in the AFC.

I will say, Baltimore could fall off a cliff here. Here’s their next 4 games: