The 2026 NFL Draft approaches. In a moon’s cycle, a new crop enters the league for harvest.
Potential unrealized.
Anything is possible.
Hope springs eternal.
The ESPN machine fills the next 30 days with bold claims, declarative statements, no proof required.
“Who will be the next Tom Brady or Patrick Mahomes?” -a panel of experts who, at the time, did not believe Tom Brady or Patrick Mahomes would be good.
However, this year’s draft, dim.
Fernando Mendoza is the consensus no. 1 overall pick to the Las Vegas Raiders, if for nothing else, standing 6-foot-5, 240lbs, still dusting off confetti from the Championship victory. The measurables and the intangibles accounted for.
The rest of the field? Eh.
Ew, it smells like Kenny Pickett in here.
Our screen time ruled by contrarians and advocates for the devil, these other QBs are career-makers.
We’ve got a month of draft innings to eat and even the sickos tire from offensive linemen yaps.
Dan Orlovsky, ever ready to become the center of attention on ESPN, main character syndrome cannot be suppressed by Sykrizi, Bimzelx, Sotyktu—no, the man once sacked 4 times in a game by 6-foot-5, 310lb, 5-time All-Pro Minnesota Vikings DT Kevin Williams, and then charged a sack a 5th time in that same game running out of the back of the endzone on his own freewill, resulting in a safety, 2 points for Minnesota, in a game Orlovsky’s Detroit Lions literally lost by exactly 2 points—must spread the gospel of Ty Simpson, the other woman.
Orlovsky launched this take on Get Up in the AM, took his pick-me tour to the Pat McAfee show and did the worst thing any ESPN employee could possibly do…
Let’s watch Dan and Pat talk about the Great Ty Simpson:
Also, just please enjoy @PatMcAfeeShow destroying Dan Orlovsky on live television pic.twitter.com/dQcQT8CIns
— SleeperRaiders (@SleeperRaiders) March 24, 2026
In an attempt to cast doubt over Fernando Mendoza’s status as the no. 1 QB on the board, Dan Orlovsky—FaceTiming from his car like his girlfriend called as his wife changed diapers upstairs—posited a question for Pat McAfee: “What big games did Fernando Mendoza play in?”
Playing in big games is kinda Fernando Mendoza’s whole thing.
The scam busted on day one like Will Trent was on the investigation.
Distressed, Dan pleads, “I’m giving you factual information, not opinion. They had 6 points through the first 3 quarters in the Big Ten title game,” recreating reality as he endures body blows in the corner.
Indiana was up 13-10 through 3 quarters, no one scored in the 4th, Hooisers won 13-10. No factual information entered the chat.
Frustrated, he would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling alcoholics.
Orlovsky’s deviating from the norm, a nonissue.
Todd McShay currently taking this take out on a stroll.
Who cares?
His unrehearsed explanation, full of factual inaccuracies don’t matter.
Well-informed discussions don’t clock into the building until Stephen A’s rallies roll credits.
Dan’s unforgivable sin is making Pat McAfee look smart.
An unserious man issuing quarterly apologies between Rick Sanchez belches, Dan Patrick for flat earthers—co-hosted by AJ Hawk, taping live from the time warp Zordon motivates Power Rangers—now praised on parade boats—slayer of Dan Orlovsky of House Make-Shit-Up-To-Stand-Out-In-A-Crumbling-Media-Industry.
What’s next for Dan Orlovsky?
ICE always open to new buffoons to stuff in their clown cars.
Youtube allows just about anyone to upload their content on their platform. Club 520 wasn’t built in a day. Time to invest in you, Dan.
Pat McAfee may need a new stooge to honk at his jokes. It’s the least Pat can do, robbing Dan of his dinner vouchers for the next month. Every Ty Simpson turnover signed and sealed by the Orlovsky estate. That 3rd and long sack to knock his team out of field position, cosigned by Dan.
All Orlovsky should be censored until NFL training camps open. No, Dan cannot appear on television until Ty Simpson throws an NFL regular-season touchdown.
See you in 2028.
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