Hey, Aaron Rodgers is a Pittsburgh Steeler.

ESPN sources: Steelers QB Aaron Rodgers was in the team’s training facility today to sign his one-year, $13.65 million contract that includes $10 million guaranteed and has a maximum value of $19.5 million. The deal includes $5.85 million worth of playtime and team performance… pic.twitter.com/a9DygTvufb

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) June 7, 2025

I know it may seem like an odd pairing in the abstract. The Steelers have courted a fan base of humble, blue-collar, hardworking men and women—while Aaron Rodgers is the opposite of all those things.

You don’t have to listen to him speak for too long before you realize he genuinely believes he’s the smartest man on the planet; humility does not live there.

Nothing really blue collar about almost running as the Vice President to Robert Kennedy Jr—a man whose entire life has existed within a bubble of wealth, allowing him to be the first ever heroin addict to own a mansion.

And nothing says “hardworking” like waiting until the very last moment to sign with the Steelers in order to miss all of the OTAs and optional practices that his teammates are working hard at.

Mike Tomlin is a no-nonsense head coach who signed a guy who was just fired by the Jets after his refusal to stop podcasting about vaccines.

I have no idea what Tomlin thinks about vaccines and I can’t stop seeing what Rodgers thinks.

They are now joining forces.

Aaron Rodgers is exactly what the Steelers want

Mike Tomlin’s greatest skill is his ability to never finish the regular season with a sub-500 win-loss record.

He’ll go 8-8.

He’ll go 9-8 now that it’s a 17-game schedule.

When the NFL inevitably makes these cats smash skulls 18 games a year, I’m sure Mike Tomlin will go 9-9.

The Steelers have lost in the Wild Card Round 4 of the last 5 years.

And Mike Tomlin’s job is never in jeopardy.

As long as he never finishes a year with more losses than wins, he will continue to be able to run this team.

It’s like he’s running a restaurant that juuuust breaks even at the end of the year.

It’s stressful as fuck every single day, sometimes, depending on the season, employees have to be let go (like Todd Haley and Matt Canada) but the books are always balanced and the lights stay on.

Last season, Tomlin found a little success with old man Russell Wilson, (after going 2-2 with Justin Fields). They made the playoffs. No chance of beating the Baltimore Ravens but who cares?

They made the playoffs. That’s all that matters over there.

GM Omar Khan has had the job since 2022. Signing Aaron Rodgers, the best QB Pittsburgh’s had since Ben Roethlisberger used to corner women outside of bar bathrooms.

His status is solidified.

Aaron Rodgers gives the Steelers exactly what they want.

If he’s a Top 15 QB, the Steelers make the playoffs again, lose, but make the playoffs again.

If he sucks, well he’s old and weird anyway. It was never going to work. We’ll get em next year.

Shockingly, Aaron Rodgers—a man who emotionally abuses his girlfriends, (and I imagine he does so by forcing them to sit down and watches hours of Alex Jones yelling at his camera which I imagine effects Aaron’s brain the way Barney talking to the camera excites children)—is actually a safe signing for Pittsburgh.

Sure, he’ll convince some backup O-Lineman that the Clintons did 9/11 or The Obamas are AI or whatever but at least he’s better than Mason fucking Rudolph.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading.

If you’re a Steelers fan, hit me up with your honest Aaron Rodgers feelings. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if we’re confident this thing’ll work.

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