thelesterlee
Journalism used to be unbiased investigations into the truth but NBA journalism is all about cozying up to execs or players in order to be the first ones to tell us about a random G-Leaguer getting a 10-day contract or intentionally devaluing a player with ‘rumors’ of personal issues or whatever nonsense is needed to pay a player less than they deserve.
Recently, the Washington Post did a story detailing the rivalry between NBA news breakers, Adrian Wojnarowski and Shams Charania1. Then the New Yorker did an exclusive story on just Shams. So I wanted to give Woj his shine too.
I contacted one of the many anonymous sources Woj gets information from so we could learn a little more about the man behind the bombs.
Me: How did you first meet Woj?
Source: I walked in on Woj on his knees licking my boss’ balls and before he left the facility, he gave me his card and told me if I ever wanted my balls licked, give him a call.
Me: Besides getting your balls licked, what do you actually gain from giving team info away to Woj?
Source: It’s simple really. All we have to do is let him know something small like, who we plan on drafting moments after we make that decision so he can tweet it out before the broadcast or whatever and in exchange for that inside info, he’ll repay us with positive PR we don’t deserve or he’ll even let us know what other NBA teams are pursuing a player that we are also looking to acquire so we know who we’re bidding against. Oh, and of course the excellent ball-licking.
Me: Okay, so I understand how this benefits you guys. But what do you think Woj gets out of all this? Like, the man only makes around $9 million a year which isn’t poverty by any means but for someone who is so willing to throw away his ethics and integrity just to be the first to send out a tweet, you’d think he’d be making astronomically more money than that LSU gymnast that got rizzed up by Baby Gronk.
Source: Oh I don’t think he’s in it for the money at all. If I had to guess, I’d say Adrian Wojnarowski is in it to feel powerful and nothing makes him feel more powerful than licking the balls of people he considers to be powerful.
Me: But don’t you think a man with his unlimited access to information and who calls himself a journalist would use their position to actually do journalism? Woj could give us a detailed report on what happened with Ime Udoka and the Boston Cetics or the front office decision-making that allows guys like Miles Bridges or Kevin Porter Jr to remain on rosters despite more than enough evidence to conclude they brutalized women or why Trae Young can’t get on the Team USA roster or what the Dallas Mavericks front office is actually like on a day-to-day basis considering there have been two separate disgusting stories about how unbelievably and illegally horny those cubicles get or what futuristic alien technology Pat Riley2 uses to transform local Miami T-Mobile employees into key NBA postseason rotation players—instead he chooses to, well, lick balls.
Source: Do enjoy writing?
Me: I do
Source: Well Woj just enjoys licking balls. And he’s incredible at it. His mouth is a car wash. I’ve never seen such attention to detail. He’s truly a genius, a ball-licking savant. He sees balls in a way no one else ever has. It’s a gift, really. The gods bestowed upon Adrian Wojnarowski the ability to completely disregard the ethical responsibilities of his job in exchange for proximity to powerful men and their unlicked balls.
Since I am a real journalist, I had to get Adrian Wojnarowski on the phone so he could give his side of the story. But due to his lawyer’s interference, the written transcript had to be censored so here’s the most I could share from an angry voicemail:
“I have no idea who you even are or what you’re talking but I ____ lick balls. I ___ ____ __ ____ licked balls. My whole job is _____ ____ ________ _______ ____ __ __ ____ ___ licking balls. Call me a ball licker ___ ____ ____ I’ll kill ___. _ ___ _____ ___ balls. Fuck you, fuck Deadseriousness and I _____ ___ _ ____ lick balls”.
Wow, straight from the ball licker’s mouth. The man who knows everything about the NBA and uses his power to just maintain his power and nothing else. What a cool person.
Is Woj the biggest ball licker of all time? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if you think Adrian Wojnarowski is actually good for the NBA so I can make fun of you too.
- I was going to post the link to the Wa Post article but it is the weirdest, nothing of a story. I have no idea why these men are getting such strange PR pieces these days but I promise you if both Woj and Shams retired tomorrow morning, nothing in the world would be worse. Nothing would change.
- Begging someone to do a deep dive story into how or why Pat Riley cosplays as an Italian godfather when he could not be more Irish.
