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Deadseriousness NFL Week 1 Thoughts: Aaron Rodgers Sabotage and Matty Stafford’s New Clothes

nfl week 1

This won’t be a recap of every game because I won’t sit here and pretend as if I watched every minute of every game. This won’t be one of those ‘winners and losers’ articles because weren’t not bringing those into 2022. This won’t be one of those ‘twitter reacts’ articles where media companies just post popular tweets and hit ‘post’ without adding any of their own words or comments and certainly without financially rewarding the people who’s tweets are generating views for them.

Nope, here are just stray thoughts for the first week of the 2021 NFL season.

Dallas Cowboys 29 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers 31

  • lolololololol the Cowboys lost.
  • Dak Prescott threw the ball 58 times???
  • Personally, if my star quarterback was coming off a lingering shoulder injury that was so bad that he couldn’t even really practice during training camp, I wouldn’t make that man pass the ball 58 fucking times but good for Dallas.
  • If he dies, he dies, I reckon.
  • Ezekiel Elliot isn’t good enough to wear those little belly shirts anymore.
  • Fuck Antonio Brown

Philadelphia Eagles 32 – Atlanta Falcons 6

  • Pray for Matt Ryan.
  • Does anyone know or understand what Atlanta’s plan is here?
  • From the outside, the plan appears to be punishing Matt Ryan for blowing that 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.
  • Good thing they drafted Kyle Pitts though.
  • I refuse to say anything positive about the Philadelphia Eagles.

Pittsburgh Steelers 23 – Buffalo Bills 16

  • The Steelers have the best receiver corp in the league.
  • Unfortunately, Ben Roethlisberger is a gigantic immobile asshole with a busted elbow who is wasting the talent around him.
  • *erases all Josh Allen MVP tweets*
  • There is no player in the NFL that touches the ball and just anything can fucking happen.
  • Love when he drops back and one hands the ball by his waist. No mechanics, just vibes.

Minnesota Vikings 24- Cincinnati Bengals 27

San Francisco 49ers 41 – Detroit Lions 33

  • It is insane that Kyle Shannahan can literally put anyone behind center and score 41 points.
  • Jimmy G shouldn’t be leading a team scoring 41 points yet here we are.
  • Trey Lance is going to break every single passing record when Shannahan finally unleashes him upon the league.
  • I was team Jared Goff from day 1 so 38-for-57 passing for 338 yards and 3 touchdowns with a 92.6 quarterback rating is either indicative of how correct I was about Goff or just what happens when you put on a Lions jersey.

Arizona Cardinals 38 – Tennesee Titans 13

  • AIR RAID BAYBEEEE
  • Kyler Murray was a little disappointing last season but he may have finally figured it out this year.
  • Bill O’Brien needs to be behind bars for trading away DeAndre Hopkins simply because they didn’t get along.
  • Remember when everyone said the Titans were so stacked? They probably should’ve considered stacking their secondary too.

Seattle Seahawks 28 – Indianapolis Colts 16

  • Just a light Sunday afternoon for Russell Wilson throwing 4 touchdowns and having a perfect passer rating. Yawn.
  • Just a light Sunday afternoon for Carson Wentz getting for a loss of 30 yards and losing a fumble. Yawn.

Los Angeles Chargers 20 – Washington Football Team 16

    • There is only one way to describe the Washington Football Team:

  • shit storm.

New York Jets 14 – Carolina Panthers 19

  • Jets franchise strategy: 1. draft a young QB prospect. 2. refuse to put an offensive line in front of him. 3. Destroy him physically and mentally. 4. Cut/trade him. 5. repeat.
  • Maybe Zach Wilson shouldn’t get sacked 6 times against a fairly normal Carolina defense.
  • Wilson looks like he’s going to have a great career…for a different team in 5 years.
  • Good for Sam.

Jacksonville Jaguars 21 – Houston Texans 37

  • Last season, Houston won only 4 games with an MVP caliber sex perv. They’re already on pace to double that win total without him. Give Tyrod the keys to the city and please monitor his Instagram DMs.
  • I wonder what medical emergency Urban Meyer is going to fabricate in order to ‘gracefully’ bow out of coaching this terrible football team.

Cleveland Browns 29 – Kansas City Chiefs 33

  • Once again we learned that you need to execute a perfect football game in order to beat the Kansas City Chiefs and the Browns were close…until they weren’t.

  • Browns are back.
  • Still very curious to see what this offense looks like with Odell Beckham back even he exists as a decoy to draw defenders’ attention.
  • Although everyone in NFL media and sports radio will tell you Odell is the devil because he *squints* celebrates touchdowns…teams tend to be better when they have a Top 10 receiver on the field.
  • Chiefs are going back to the Super Bowl.

Miami Dolphins 17 – New England Patriots 16

  • Cam Newton could’ve also lost to the Miami Dolphins this week but coach Belichick knows more than us.
  • Newton also refused to get vaccinated so perhaps it’s for the best he wasn’t out there dry coughing in everyone’s mouths.
  • Soooo, Miami just won’t open the playback for Tua, huh? That’s just never happening? Got it.

Green Bay Packers 3 – New Orleans Saints 38

    • I am fully convinced that Aaron Rodgers is spending his final year in Green Bay destroying the Packers from the inside.
    • Like, look at this throw, man.

  • sabotage.
  • John Mulaney is out here doing lines out of Olivia Munn’s asshole and Aaron Rodgers is fake married to the boring actress from the boring teen movies and losing football games on purpose. Yike.
  • Jameis Winston leads the NFL in passing touchdowns. Don’t ever put Taysom Hill on that fucking field ever again.
  • Also real quick shout out to RGIII

  • Don’t totally understand the point this weirdo is attempting to make here but I love that RGIII is a Jameis stan. Black actors gotta stick together.

Denver Broncos 27 – New York Giants 13

Chicago Bears 14 – Los Angeles Rams 34

  • Justin Fields is one of the best quarterback prospects of the last decade and he’s on the sidelines watching Andy Dalton labor for every single completion.
  • Matt Nagy won’t be the Bears coach next season so perhaps none of this matters but it’s wild that Fields has to sit quietly in the quarterback room and listen to Andy Dalton and Nick Foles ‘teach’ him how to play the game.
  • Meanwhile in Los Angeles…

  • 20-for-26 with 321 yards and 3 touchdowns. *chef’s kiss*
  • Sun goes up. Sun goes down. Aaron Donald sacks the shit out of your quarterback. So it goes.

Baltimore Ravens 27 – Las Vegas Raiders 33

  • You cannot convince me that Lamar Jackson slander isn’t racism when you watch this kid sit in the pocket and make correct reads and great throws over and over again. Just say you hate brown people and keep it moving.
  • Every Ravens running back went down with season-ending injuries before the season even started but it doesn’t even matter when Lamar is leading the team in rushing. Again, this kid is the best player on the field whenever he jogs onto the field.
  • But guys, you cannot let DEREK CARR light you up for 435 yards in the air. DEREK CARR. I’m sick.

Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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