Ranking Potential James Harden Landing Spots

James Harden has made it quite clear he doesn’t want to play for the Philadelphia 76ers. The Sixers GM, Daryl Morey, promised him a max contract extension that never came. Then he made Harden opt-in to the final year of his contract with another promise of finding him a suitable trade which he also reneged on.

So now James Harden has to awkwardly walk back to Philly or burn the building to the ground. I imagine he’ll choose the latter.

Let’s run through the potential James Harden landing spots and see the best and worst case scenarios for China’s baby boy:

Automatic NBA Finals

Golden State Warriors: The 2018 Houston Rockets and the 2018 Golden State Warriors joining forces.

Denver Nuggets: I think James Harden can do what Michael Porter Jr. does.

Miami Heat: Going back on forth on whether the Miami nightlife would kill the Heat’s title chances but then I remembered how many guys like Shaq or Gary Payton or even Jimmy Butler came to Miami after years of being outside only to become quiet, well-behaved A students.

The Heat made the Finals with Gabe Vincent and Max Strus. James Harden is slightly better than them.

Phoenix Suns: I don’t think the Suns could win a championship if they found a way to perhaps trade DeAndre Ayton for James Harden but it’s still an automatic NBA Finals bid. They would lack the depth to finish the run, especially considering how Kevin Durant is old and coming off a thousand injuries but

Daryl Morey Revenge

Utah Jazz: If Daryl Morey and James Harden truly have beef then Morey needs to send Harden to the one NBA city that will punish him most: Salt Lake City.

Indiana Pacers: The only positive outcome of Harden being traded to Indiana is being able to go to Jeff Teague’s podcast and cut a WWF-style promo on Daryl Morey.

Oklahoma City Thunder: I’m coming home, I’m coming home. Tell the world that I’m coming home.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Cleveland has the biggest suicide rate in America. I did not Google that and have no facts to back that up. Just feeeeels that way.

Funniest potential outcome

Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant is an alcoholic and the last thing he needs in his life is James Harden at the bar ordering shots for Ja and his clown-ass friends. Harden and Ja are going to get into a shootout at a local strip club and then drop 24 points and 10 assists against the Pelicans the next night.

Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic and James Harden would lead the league in low-percentage, contested step-back 3’s at the end of an offensive possession where they dribbled a hole in the hardwood for 23 seconds of the shot clock. It could be the most boring basketball we have ever witnessed.

Minnesota Timberwolves: The funniest thing the Timberwolves could do is draft a generational superstar like Anthony Edwards and immediately trade all of their valuable assets to surround that generational superstar with Rudy Gobert and James Harden. And keep Karl-Anthony Towns there too. Turn Anthony Edwards into the greatest “what if?” in NBA history.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Los Angeles Clippers: A team consisting of Kawhi Leonard, Paul George, Russell Westbrook and James Harden would be the most talented roster in NBA history which means expectations would be through the roof. And we all see what happens to Harden when he is expected to perform at a high level in the playoffs.

Boston Celtics: Speaking of folding in the playoffs, the Boston Celtics as a team represent everything James Harden is. Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown can score 30 points whenever they want in the regular season. Perrenial all-stars. All that good shit. And the second the games matter most, they chuck passes into defender’s chests and dribble off their feet and well, they look like James Harden in the playoffs.

Houston Rockets: If the Houston Rockets wanted James Harden on their team next season then he’d be on their team right now. Let’s leave it at that.

Taps Sign Under New Management

Orlando Magic: Whenever a new GM gets hired, you should expect a big splash. For Golden State, it was trading for Chris Paul and for Anthony Parker in Orlando, it could be James Harden.

Washington Wizards: The new Wizards management might have already made their big splash trading away Brad Beal and acquiring Jordan Poole but settle for just that? The Wizards have been irrelevant since John Wall was celebrating on the scorer’s table a bajillion years ago.

Charlotte Hornets: Michael Jordan sold the Hornets and the new owner might want a bigger name on his new team than *squints* James Bouknight.

Lowkey Fire

San Antonio Spurs: James Harden is at his best when he’s playing with a great center or really any center not named Dwight Howard. Harden and Victor Wembanyama could make the playoffs together in their first year.

Sacramento Kings: I cannot stress enough how much better the Kings would be if they found anyone better than Harrison Barnes.

Most Likely Ending

Philadelphia 76ers: Daryl Morey isn’t trading this fucker. We all know that, right?

Toronto Raptors: Toronto is setting up for a big move. Whether it’s Dame Lillard or James Harden or even Donovan Mitchell, the Raptors are preparing to trade for a star. If I were Toronto, I’d make sure to pull the trigger on a trade before people get more film on Scottie Barnes and realize he’s mid.

Shanghai Sharks: James Harden has at least one more season in the NBA. By the end of next season, he’ll be 34 years old expecting a max contract. He will not be getting that max contract which means he’ll probably get another one-year deal somewhere.

So two years from now, Harden will be 35 years old with a decision to make: take the vet minimum to ring chase or get the BAG in China where he is already treated like a god. Stephon Marbury has a statue over there. James Harden could be named emperor over there.