The 2026 NFL Draft was last week.
A major event shifting the NFL’s power balance, and with every major event, there are winners, and there are losers. So many losers.
Let’s start with my beloved New York Football Giants…
Winner: New York Giants
This could and should just be 10,000 words about how great the 2026 New York Giants are about to be, clear winners of the draft, taking home the best overall prospect and best offensive lineman
Arvell Reese’s ceiling is Defensive Player of the Year, gently floated down to the Giants lap at no. 5. A gift from the gods, reperations for what Dave Gettleman did to this once storied franchise. I will never forgive that man using the no. 6 pick to draft a kid who would’ve been available the next day.
Last season, the Giants defense gained infamy, blowing leads at historic clips. The defense ran through, both literally and metaphorically.
How many years have you heard “if the Giants had an offensive line?”….
Well now they have a bit of squad out there, opening rushing lanes for Cam Skattbo to splatter through, keeping Jaxson Dart and his easily concussed head off the turf.
Now coached by professional winner, John Harbaugh, equpped with a level of talent comparable to the best teams in the conference, the New York Giants actually won a draft.
Loser: New York Giants
You can’t be hanging out with Steve Tisch, or anyone caught in Jeffrey Epstein’s emails begging him for new little girls to come thru.
Winner: New York Jets
Aaron Glenn and the 2026 Jets aren’t tanking. When Glenn declared his faith in Geno Smith, that wasn’t a show for the cameras. They used their first round picks to get Geno some help.
Kenyon Saddiq and Omar Cooper Jr, two new reciving targets to join Garrett Wilson and Breece Hall out of the backfield.
The New York Jets are in win-now mode.
Aaron Glenn is driving the Jets 200mph into the median. They should have killed him when they had the chance.
Winner: Carson Beck
A no-show in predraft content, Carson Beck, led Miami to the National Championship Game, but also someone dated one of those influencers or whatever.
Carson Beck looks like he’s trapped tens of thousands of his friends’ money in meaningless NFTs and Hawk Tuah coin.
Now, drafted to the Cardinals, Day 1 winnable QB battle with Jacoby Brissett, a player who just went 1-11 as a starter for this team last year.
Beck, handing the ball off to Jeremiyah Love or closing his eyes, anxious-induced prayers to Marvin Harrison Jr, Carson may be in the best situation of any rookie QB.
Ty Simpson’s a political prisoner in LA.
Fernando Mendoza will date Zara Larsson, the couple revitalizing Las Vegas tourism, leading Sin City by example.
Carson Beck, in Arizona, decent talent around him, including second-round guard Chase Bisontis, might fuck around and become the Cardinals franchise QB.
For better or worse.
Loser: Ty Simpson
Matthew Stafford just won an MVP award. Scouts didn’t even believe Ty Simpson was worthy of a first round selection. Simpson is 6-2, 208lbs with small hands, just led the nation with 6 lost fumbles, and injury-prone.
Winner: Sean McVay
If Ty Simpson becomes a Pro Bowler, Sean McVay crowned king of quarterbacks, from Jared Goff to Baker Mayfield to Matty Stafford to Ty Simpson, if quarterbacks leave Sean McVay meetings with newly acquired football comprehension, suddenly understanding the game at an atomic level, Sean McVay is King Midas.
If Ty Simpson sucks, then see, Sean McVay told you so.
Even McVay, of all coaches, couldn’t turn this Clint sink water to wine.
McVay is in the ultimate win-win scenario.
Loser: Las Vegas Raiders
Fernando Mendoza is the best quarterback in this draft class.
Ok.
But if this whole draft class sucks, then isn’t he just the best of the worst? The least shitty?
Right now, like, 6 quarterbacks enter their final college season, competing to become the no. 1 overall pick, against 4 or 5 other studs.
Through the entire draft process—interviews, combine, all the pony show stuff—Dante Moore and Arch Manning and Julian Sayin will be battling each other every day.
Fernando Mendoza may have a great rookie season.
I hope he does.
The NFL is more fun when more teams have quarterbacks capable of converting third downs.
But once he sees early sucess in Vegas, Mendoza will become addicted to the life. He’s the first franchise QB in Las Vegas history.
No human behaves normally seeing themselves on billboards, especially in a city where crime is legal.
Next year, Raiders could’ve drafted a focused QB who fought for the top of the draft all season, developing the neceseray habits and focus to keep him from the Bunny Ranch.
I just don’t believe Kirk Cousins will stop Fernando from breaking curfew when the BBL twins DM him.
Loser: Kadyn Proctor
Only a Hall of Fame career will shield Kadyn Proctor from comparisons to players like Reuben Bain Jr. or Caleb Downs—guys Miami could have drafted had they not traded down a spot with the Dallas Cowboys for two 5th round picks.
Kadyn Proctor better be good for the sake of Malik Willis and black quarterbacks nationwide.
Donald Trump brought racism back. Removing Jackie Robinson and black history from official white house archives, prioritizing and fast-tracking the hiring and promotion of white guys and family members. White supramecy is so fucking back.
Between Justin Fields in New York and what Geno Smith devolved into in Vegas, black QBs are becoming guys you hire to help improve your chances of drafting a better one the next year. Shedeur Sanders better have been, like, practicing.
I need Kadyn Proctor to protect Mallik Willis with the pressure of our ancestors motivating him.
Caleb Downs may become the best safety in the NFL by the end of his rookie deal.
Reuben Bain Jr double digit sacks, inevitable.
Kadyn Proctor better never allow a single QB pressure his whole ass career.
Loser: Dianna Russini
Hey man, Dianna Russini wrote so many weird tweets about Mike Vrabel she needed to delete her account to stop all the retweets.
It’s difficult to break news, maintain her status in NFL media, without a Twitter account.
Even if I believe that should not be true.
Like, most people don’t use that app.
But everyone in the media world does.
So.
She can make a Substack or join a podcast network that’ll throw dollars at her but Diannia Russini is no longer a prominent figure in sports media.
She works for Internet Coins now.
Welcome to hell.
Losers: Josh Hines-Allen and Travon Walker
Finishing 27th in sacks last season, Jacksonville added one pass rusher this offseason, Wesley Williams, a 4th rounder with 11 total sacks over the last 3 years.
Never be too good at your job or you will find yourself overworked and underpaid by the third “yeah, sure, I can stay later”.
Winner: Caleb Downs
Haven’t learned much about Caleb Downs’s personality yet but he’s about to become a star, whether he likes it or not.
The Dallas Cowboys traded up to draft him with the picks they acquired the year before, sending their franchise star to Green Bay.
From everything I gather, life is better as a rich, famous person than not.
Caleb Downs will receive invites to various bunkers and space colonies while the rest of us screech in agony, the acid rain melting our bones to marrow.
I also think he’s going to play well.
Especially in an NFL clearly preparing to utilize tight ends at unprecedented levels, teams fighting in shopping malls over the last Tickle Me Elmo on Christmas Eve, everyone and their mothers gathering multiple tight ends for next season.
Winner: AJ Brown
The Eagles trading up to acquire wide receiver Malakai Lemon indicates Philadelphia’s willingness to move on from Brown, freeing him from the shackles of Jalen Hurts and Nick Sirianni.
Imagine you’re the best waitress in your state, but the chef was sending out freezing cold steaks and your manager was always drunk at the bar with the patrons.
I don’t know, I’d want to work at a new restaurant.
Loser: Mock Drafters
Mock drafts are funnels sports media companies use to filter organic search traffic into gamblers.
I’m one overdraft fee away from pushing Deadseriousness coin on the 100 people who read me, so I get it.
Winner: Dan Orlovsky
Betting his reputation and credibility on the success of Ty Simpson, a bold move for the ESPN analyst recently relieved of his Monday Night Football broadcast booth duties.
But in the words of Damon Jones “no risk, no reward.”
And look at that, the Rams drafted Ty Simpson 13 overall. Doesn’t mean Ty will be good at his job but Dan called his shot and won.
For now.
Loser: Malik Nabers
Maybe Malik hasn’t listened to New York sports radio yet, seems like a guy very much in control of the aux, good for him, he’s not missing much, but I remember how Giants fans talked about Odell Beckham Jr, always one cocktail away from letting an n-word fly like they’re in their backyards yapping with the fellas.
Malik Nabers spent the first night of the draft on a live stream with Micah Parsons, questioning the New York Giants picks.
Athletes want to podcast and livestream sooo badly.
If I got paid millions to catch a ball, you would never hear the sound of my voice.
Winner: Monroe Freeling
A hero’s journey placed upon his feet, if Monroe Freeling keeps little Bryce Young upright, he’ll be a legend.
Bryce Young is pretty good.
Only thing stopping him from having Jared Goff’s career is the same thing stopping Jared Goff, bad offensive lines.
Task Andrew Whitworth with keeping Goff’s pocket clean and you make a Super Bowl.
There’s a reason we even know who Andrew Whitworth is, why he’s on the Amazon national broadcast, he so very much saved Jared Goff’s life, rewarded with paychecks and acclaim in perpetuity.
Losers: Houston Texans
No evidence, just vibes I’ve gotten from this organization.
I think all these picks will suck.
Just a lousy draft coasting on Will Anderson Jr reps.
The Dallas Cowboys were doing this shit too.
Take drafts seriously.
Loser: Me
I just wrote “take drafts seriously,” yuck.
Dweeb shit.
As if I know better than NFL scouts.
Once you get past like 1,200 words, you become an insuffarable self righteous columnist.
Every time.
Let me go watch some Arvell Reese highlight reels and recharge.
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